Barriers For People of Different Races To Enter Poly Relationships

Cathy: So what are the barriers to entry for people of different racist coming into poly. I’m here with Kevin A. Patterson from I’m Kathy virtually from And I hear that you have an amazing book coming out called “Love’s not color blind”

Cathy: So what are the barriers to entry for people of different racist coming into poly. I’m here with Kevin A. Patterson from I’m Kathy virtually from And I hear that you have an amazing book coming out called “Love’s not color blind”


Cathy: And you were talking when we were talking about that a few minutes ago you were talking about the barriers to entry and I’d love if you’d like could you go a little bit deeper like what is the you said class is one of the barriers to entry. Would you be willing to share about that?

Kevin: Yeah. Well, I mean polyamory cost money. And when you say how people people kinda crane suddenly every possible free thing they’ve ever done in any relationship and try to use that as sort of a blood into a conversation.

Cathy: Awwww…

Kevin: But polyamory cost money. Uhm, It cost time and money where anytime you’re not, anytime you’re not working in making money you’re you know your spending emotional energy. You’re trying to expend emotional energy in a bunch of different directions if you’re trying to to try to date if you’re trying to go to meet ups if you’re trying to go to any conferences, there’s there’s money involved even in Netflix and chill costs internet called Netflix you know but these are all cost that that that you have to pour into anything you’re doing. Building relationships with multiple people that it all cost money and if you’re a part of a community that is traditionally marginalized like, like that people color are in American society. You know, that’s a burden to you.

Cathy: Yeah.

Kevin: Things like, like redlining and segregation and slavery, all these things are these multi-tiered oppressions that don’t wash away over the course of a year or a decade or a century and if you’re part of a community that could marginalize in that way, I don’t have the numbers directly in front of me but I think like the average black household is a $26,000 under the average in the America that’s $26,000 a year they’re not spending doing other things with your life. You know

Cathy: Yeah

Kevin: and one of those other things is polyamory. So, if I’m having a happy hour and it’s on the ritzy part of town there’s only certain people who are gonna be able to make it to that happy hour and that’s the barrier for entry. If I’m if I’m having a happy hour it is not accessible by public transit, you know. If I have to pay for babysitting you know as opposed that you know as these are all things that cost money and if there’s someone who’s if you’re part of a community of your part of the population where money is it’s sort of on the down it’s gonna affect your polyamory in a major way.

Cathy: Absolutely.

Kevin: Like, you know people don’t want to talk about it because it’s hard to talk about.

Cathy: Well it’s, it’s incredibly sad that people can’t find love and find relationships that really fit who they are because of lack like we all said love is we want to believe love is free and everyone gets to get that. And it is like I have a couple lovers that are in others you know other parts of the state or whatever we have to fly to see each other or take a train or a bus and that’s time away from work time we’re not cleaning the house or and yeah that there’s definitely and I can definitely see how that would be really challenging for people that don’t have as much as much financial ease, yeah.

Kevin: Yeah. And like racist is not an easy conversation to have. Class isn’t an easy conversation to have and how race and class take a second really not an easy conversation to have. And people who are trying to go to their local their local poly cocktails a bit, they just want to have a dream and talk about polyamory.

Cathy: Yeah.

Kevin: You there they’re not necessary you know evil or wrong people but all they want to do is have a drink socialize you know maybe meet someone to love maybe meet someone to get laid and they don’t wanna hear or they don’t want to have these conversations about who’s not able to make it to that poly cocktails event because of where it’s situated. How expensive it is to get there, how expensive it is to be there.

Cathy: Well and a lot of the meet-ups I organize out of my house but I, I work in a corporate area too and if I’m gonna have a meet-up someplace else I might have it near my job which is a little bit more expensive and there’s not as much public transportation. If I’m not aware of that it’s just I’m like well of course I mean everyone can make it they just hop on their car and get here but not everybody has a car and not everyone has a babysitter.

Kevin: I host potlucks in my house all the time. Whenever I get an idea of like, “Hey, I feel like watching some movies”, I basically turn them into a potluck and watch those movies with.

Cathy: Oh that’s very cool.

Kevin: with the people from my local community. And like it’s so easy for me to do because potlucks are relatively inexpensive and relatively role making its people show up with their dishes and take their dishes home.

Cathy: You don’t have to wash them.

Kevin: Yeah. I always set up some some room in my basement for kids. So no one has to worry about childcare. Just you know, show up and put some kid movies there down on the basement while we’re watching whole verbal movies up on the living room. With it, I don’t live that near to that’s that’s a mess [inaudible 00:5:28].

Cathy: Yeah

Kevin: So, that’s that’s a barrier for entry for some people like there’s some people were like well I wanna I wanna come but I you know I don’t want have to take the train to the bus only to have them walk to your house.

Cathy: Yeah.

Kevin: That’s I mean that’s not something I can do anything about because my house but if I’m hosting an event that’s not in my home these are all things that I’m gonna have to consider.

Cathy: Yeah. Well if you’re hosting at some place close to mass transit you may have to rent it pay money for it which is another. Yeah, one thing I do on my meet up is I encourage people if they’re driving to see if they can give rides to each other and that sometimes works but sometimes people aren’t near each other in they’re kinda stuck.

Kevin: Yeah. Absolutely. And I do the same you know. But these are all things that you have to consider before you call your before you can call your event accessible before you can call your event welcoming. These are all the things you really need to stop and think about. If you’re if you don’t then you don’t really have a right to say well everyone’s welcome. Like everyone’s welcome, you can make it there.

Cathy: You can’t afford that yeah. Yeah. Well I really appreciate you sharing that because I think the more I think there’s a lot of people myself included to them so sometimes like I didn’t I wasn’t aware of something and the more we can be aware the more we can make a difference and we can’t always fix everything like you said you can’t make a bus-stop appear in your house but the more we can lower those barriers and let everybody have access to that that’s I really appreciate your generosity in sharing this.

Kevin: Yeah. Thanks. I’m glad we both have a time.

Cathy: Yeah. It was great. If you have comments questions please leave them below we’d love to hear what you think.