Confidence and Body Image can effect how we walk through the world, who we connect with, and who we let love us..
Kate McCombs from http://www.SexGeekdom.com, Ashley Manta from http://www.AshleyManta.com and Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com share tips and their experiences.
Cathy: Body confidence, body image, it affects everyone, no matter had big you are or how small you are, or what’s going on for you. This is Kate from http://www.SexGeekdom.com
Kate: Hi there.
Cathy: Ashley Manta from http://www.AshleyManta.com and I am Cathy Vartuli, from the http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com. We have all had body issues our whole lives. I think a lot people think if you are…I know I did. I thought if I saw anyone that looked as conceptionally as pretty as you, I would just assume that you would not speak to me and that you were judging me. I lost a lot of connections that would have been really beautiful because I was assuming that—I mean obviously I thought that thin people were so much more valuable than me.
I was brought up that way. Obviously you were thinking, “You are better than me.” Then you shared about some of your struggles because it helped me realize that it’s not what it is about. We all get caught up in Wheat Thins, a dangerous neighborhood. Would you be willing to share some of your experiences?
Ashley: Yes, absolutely. This is something that I’ve noticed from my own experience in talking to lots of other women and increasingly it seems like more men as well, just about how there is no one right size. It seems like the people who I would consider way more attractive than me are probably having the same insecurities that I do. They may have a different privilege or a different experience, but it is still the way the insecurity is I think is not unique to one particular size.
Cathy: I think it sometimes it almost seems like the people that are more conventionally or traditionally beautiful have more pressure. It’s like they have something to lose. They’re like if they are a little bit outside they are going to feel that judgment even more. It doesn’t matter what you stuff is.
I have one friend, a very pretty woman, and she had some acne scarring when she was young, and she won’t even go out of the house without make-up and she is convinced that everyone sees it. That’s not what I see when I see her. No matter where you are with your body image, your confidence in yourself, knowing that other people are awkward and struggling with the same stuff, that can really help. Do either of you have suggestions about how you started working through this and started feeling better about yourself?
Kate: I think similarly what I was mentioning about there not being one particular body type. I used to think that I needed to lose weight in order to be this one particular acceptable size, and it still has been a struggle for me. Letting go of the idea that there is one acceptable shape has been really helpful in feeling more connected to my body.
Ashley: Definitely, and for me it has always hard to have compliments. It’s hard for me to take compliments when somebody tells me “You are beautiful.” I don’t let that in. I try to deflect it. I finally realized that it doesn’t even just have to be about what’s external. I can accept a compliment like, “You are beautiful.” It could be my personality or the way I care about people. That allowed me to start to let those kinds of compliments in, and then when I got more comfortable with my body, I would let them apply to my body as well.
Cathy: I think when we reject a compliment, we are really shaming the person who gives it to us. When someone used to tell me “You are really pretty.” When I first started dating I had a few people say to me “You are really pretty,” and I assumed they were liars, and I just stopped talking to them, which is so silly, and me telling them that their perception of pretty is wrong, shaming them or judging them for their perception of beautiful or pretty or nice to see. We don’t get to judge that. We’ve get to let that in.
Kate: That never ceases to amaze me the older I get, the more I realize that there is this unbelievable spectrum of what other people find hot, and that is so valuable. I love that idea that there is not one thing that everyone wants, but there’s a spectrum of things that people want.
Ashley: It is so wonderful when we’re not all trying to conform to one, like, Victoria’s Secret model. We give people choices on what to like. I’m not going to look like a Victoria’s Secret model.
Cathy: Nope, but you look hot just the way you are.
Ashley: If you’re out there struggling with it, one thing we recommend is don’t put yourself down. Society does teach you to do that because it is kind of like if “If I put myself down enough, other people might say something nice.” We all know the video on that, but you’re also telling other people that you judge them too. They are hearing that like “Oh if she thinks that about her, what is she thinking about me?”
Cathy: I think that is very powerful what you guys were discussing about how when you are bashing yourself, you are telling everyone else around that they are not acceptable either and they are under scrutiny and judgment. That was such powerful learning for me. I never thought about it in that way.
Ashley: We are kind of conditioned that a virtuous person puts themselves down and hopes that other people pick them up. It’s a lot of work for other people.
Kate: Confidence is sexy. When you see somebody walking down the street that is owning their body and shoulders back and smiling, that’s hot.
Ashley: Queen Latifah is hot.
Cathy: She is gorgeous.
Kate: Oprah is hot. It’s that confidence and powerfulness and so much of it is body confidence, having that confidence and appreciating your body for all that it does for you. I may have fat under my skin, but my body is strong and healthy, so so start owning that.
Cathy: We lifted Kate up and helped her see today.
Kate: Then we fell over laughing as I was lying down on the street, a very dignified moment. It was great.
Cathy: Where ever you are, start by realizing other people have the same stuff, and that my help you get you a little bit out of that shame spiral, and find the little things that you can appreciate about yourself so you can start having a little more confidence.
Let us know what you think, and we will respond to your questions or comments, so comment below and thank you so much for watching.
All: Bye.
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