Cathy: Someone wrote in and asked, she said she’s interested in a married man and she doesn’t know what to do.
Reid: Mmmhmmmm …
Cathy: This is Reid Mihalko from …
Reid: I’m going to assume that that man’s not married to her.
Cathy: No, he’s not.
Reid: Mmmhmmm …
Cathy: This is Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com
Reid: This is Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com
Cathy: What would you suggest?
Reid: Mmhmmm … Well, well, well, you had to come to us for advice didn’t you?
Cathy: They probably won’t anymore.
Reid: No, no, we scared them away. Okay. I am somebody who personally, I’m non-monogamous so I have multiple relationships at any given time. They’re all above-board in that everybody knows I’m like this and if you want to know who I’m dating or having relationships with you just really have to ask. I don’t do the don’t ask, don’t tell policy. Ultimately, if you’re interested in somebody who’s not available, because you can be married and still be available and then you can be married and available and have integrity like everybody knows about that. Ideally the people that are married are like, “Yeah, we have an open relationship. We have an open marriage and this is fine with us.”
If you really want to entertain having a relationship or dalliance with somebody who’s married, I am a big fan of less headache equals more pleasure. I would only play with or consider playing with people who were available and it’s above-board because then there’s less drama and weirdness and emotional paperwork that you have to file later. The secrecy, while it can be erotic because it’s taboo, there’s a shelf-life to how much happiness comes from that kind of erotic kick. Ultimately, enjoy your fantasy. Enjoy your attraction, but if that person’s not actually available, don’t touch that person with a ten foot pole, so to speak.
Reid: If they are available or if they say they’re available, I’m a big fan of, “Can you get your wife or your husband on the phone right now? I would like to just check-in with them personally.” Now they may be like, “WHAT!?” but that’s a really quick way to figure out how much of a headache you might have to put up with later.
Cathy: There can be a lot of drama from that kind of situation. Humans do what humans … Humans do love the chemistry. I think part of it is in our society, we’re not really taught how to build connection so we rely on the chemistry to overwhelm us and just pull us in together so when we find that … it doesn’t happen that often that the chemistry is that powerful so when you’re noticing that kind of chemistry and you’re like, “Oh my god, this is my only connection, my only possibility of finding love.” It’s helpful to take a nice deep breath and realize that you can learn connection skills and intimacy skills so that you can build deep relationships with people that are a good specie … You talk about dating your species.
Reid: Mmhmm (affirmative)
Cathy: They’re a good fit for you. There’s not going to be a lot of drama. There’s going to be an easy flow in the pragmatic areas as well.
Reid: Yeah. Also, if what you’re feeling is the kind of thing that is heralding that whatever relationship you’re in you need to transition out of … Just be aware, and there’s lots of fun things you can Google now about brain chemistry and what happens when we’re in love, but also understand that often people who are considering having an affair … and you may be single and the other person’s married so technically they’re the one having the affair … you’re still guilty by association in a certain way. Understand that often what’s going on is people feel desperate because they’ve been living their lives for so long not getting their needs met that they’re starving. If you start looking at what your actual needs are in your life and and where can you get those needs met without having to have an affair or have a relationship or dalliance with somebody where they would be out of integrity, where can you get your needs met? You can still enjoy the attraction you’re having for somebody but you don’t have to act on it and you can use that attraction, that chemistry as fuel to motivate you to go out and get your needs in ways that will bring you less drama, more fulfillment.
Cathy: The really cool thing is when you start getting your own needs met, however you do that in a positive way, whether you go get a massage or you go out with friends or you do things to start getting your needs met, you start glowing a little brighter. I think people that are, the kind of people you want to spend time with are going to notice you a little bit more. You’re going to have more energy to give out and you’re going to shine.
Reid: Mmhmm (affirmative) Let us know. Just understand, this video, I was not advocating cheating at all. That’s not my gig. I’m also not making you wrong if you’ve been somebody who’s had an affair. I’m just offering different perspectives on how you can have more fun in your life with less drama.
Cathy: With less drama. Less drama is good.
Reid: Leave your comments below. Bye.
More articles on improving your communication and relationship skills: