Flirting While Shy, Facebook Live with Reid Mihalko and Cathy Vartuli
Cathy: We’re live?
Reid: We are live ladies and gentlemen!
Reid: So, I’m
Cathy: What is it?
Reid: I’m…I’m simultaneously broadcasting live also on Cathy’s [Inaudible 00:00:10] your phone has just a better screen than me. I don’t know.
Cathy: I’m sorry.
Reid: Alright. This is Reid Mihalko from http://reidaboutsex.com/
Cathy: Cathy Vartuli from https://theintimacydojo.com/
Reid: And we’re doing a Facebook live broadcast on flirting while shy.
Cathy: Which is really hard
Reid: It…It won’t I mean I wouldn’t know I’m not really shy although I’m insecure which I think is like the kissing cousin
Reid: of shy. I’m just
Cathy: I think they’re altogether introversion and insecure
Reid: It’s kind of Venn Diagram
Cathy: And actually shy is associated with shame. The difference between someone who’s quiet
Reid: Mmmm, look at them
Cathy: Someone who someone who is quiet can be introverted they…they get recharged by being more spending more time alone, they may not be out there extroverted in the world that doesn’t mean they’re shame full of shame or insecurity. Shyness often means that you feel like there’s something not quite right about yourself or that you need to hold yourself back in some way.
Reid: You’re right. I feel like I have to hold myself back sometimes.
Reid: because I’m
Reid: Such a…my golden retriever pounce on people energy I feel like I have to but the… maybe that’s not holding back maybe that’s just being appropriate and being well trained. So for…for Cathy’s audience that’s joining Cathy and meeting me for the first time I’ve been shooting Facebook live videos in the morning or try to like before the…the afternoon I’m
Cathy: We’re speaking in it
Reid: on my walking my desk treadmill at home and I’m in San Jose at Cathy’s secret lair and
Cathy: Work weekend
Reid: and we’re doing a work weekend and Cathy does have a treadmill but it seemed like a better opportunity to…to bring Cathy in than to try to put both of us on the treadmill
Reid: Which could have catastrophic events. So here we are with our quick little video for today’s we…we can you know provide service and have fun. So just imagine…imagine that that we’re walking and maybe we should just kind of do this and just imagine that we’re walking with you today as we go on our morning walk with Reid.
Cathy: Do we have to do this the whole time?
Reid: Maybe…maybe not maybe. Also we’ve got for my…my tech nerds out there gear nerds, Aahh! to pull on my phone. We’ve got the…this is not a paid sponsorship. We’ve got the Blue which is a
Reid: The raspberry which kind of sounds like you’re…you’re going to [Inaudible 00:02:28] in the dead of winter but we…we’re testing Cathy’s new swanky travel podcasting mic.
Cathy: So if you’re at Reid so you can hear the…the mud…the podcasting mic
Reid: The podcasting mic. So let me know those of you who are who are chiming in. Hi Catherine! Hi Sable! Let me know how the sound sound’s today?
Cathy: Ahh, Jean we’re sideways? Damn it! It happened to me yesterday this is…we’re sideways.
Reid: Yeah but on yours or mine?
Reid: Alright, so put it that way then. Alright, so now
Cathy: We’re… alternating phones that are sideways apparently.
Reid: Okay. So oh you have filters on yours.
Reid: Alright. Is that better for Cathy’s phone? And then we’ll get into teaching we’re just making sure.
Cathy: Hey Yoni!
Reid: Okay good.
Cathy: Hi Jean! Good. Okay
Reid: Okay good. Alright good. Okay, so Cathy’s good, we’re good so let’s teach. Cathy Vartuli since you identify as somebody who’s shy
Reid: and more introverted
Reid: and I am the opposite of those things. What do you what do you recommend as a shy person for flirting and breaking the ice?
Cathy: Well first of all I want to normalize. I think our society tends to talk about like TV or whatever they show people that are very extroverted like “hey baby” you know “what do you want to do tonight?” “you want to come back with my place?”
Reid: Is that the voice you use?
Cathy: I’m… I don’t use that voice.
Reid: Hey baby, what are you doing tonight on Facebook live? Yeah.
Cathy: Someone says they can’t hear me. Jean and Yoni, can you hear me?
Reid: Okay that’s probably because your phone is pointed down. Hang on. We’re figure… figuring out the technical difficulties.
Cathy: Okay. So in your phone with the with the
Reid: They…they can hear you fine
Cathy: That’s great. Yeah
Reid: Okay. But they can’t hear you on…on your channel.
Reid: If we keep having technical difficulties on Cathy’s phone, jump over to watch the video on…on Reid Mihalko and then it and when…and we’ll get you to broadcast somehow, someway. Okay, so maybe that’s working.
Reid: Alright. So breaking the ice
Cathy: Thanks Yoni
Reid: Thank you people for…for commenting and letting us know how the tech’s working
Reid: because we’re still figuring this out.
Cathy: So I’d like to look at flirting as just a playful thing. If you’re flirting with an idea, you’re just trying it on. So if you’re flirting with the idea of going on vacation you’re just trying on the idea. For me I used to think flirting had to be really serious and I had to succeed there as a horrible person and then when I realized what the definition is it can be very playful and light-hearted just trying something out. That changes how I looked at it. It’s like, “oh I can go around and…and be playful with a lot of people. I can I can engage and help everybody feel better about their day.” And when I took the seriousness out of it that that lightened it for me it made it easier.
Cathy: But I still I’m not going to go, “hey, what are you doing later?”
Reid: And I wouldn’t recommend it. I mean I should know the person because I mean the voice is very lovely but the head nodding is a little bit like bubbly you know dashboard you know Hula Girl kind of thing and it’s a little weird.
Cathy: The guy in front is like
Reid: You see us being playful? ‘Coz this is just being playful. So for me thinking about flirting and this is goes through even for extroverts because while I… everyone thinks I’m super confident what’s really happening is I’m very confident about how insecure I am like I know I can get into at any moment of fifth grade or seventh grader slow dance, weird K-whole of anxiousness that can help me freeze and what I like to think about is approaching it from the perspective of “Okay, how do we be playful?”
Reid: And then “How can I build trust with the people that I’m flirting with and I like to use transparency?” So often what I’m doing is I’m telling people, “Oh I’m really nervous. Do you get nervous when you’re trying to flirt with people?” or “do you get nervous of cocktail parties?” or you know because I’m looking at breaking the ice from the perspective of, if everybody’s caught in 7th grade
Cathy: Nobody is actually crossing the gym floor.
Reid: Yeah. Nobody’s crossing the gym floor like…like so me being able to name the thing that stops us is the ice-breaking superpower because for a lot of people they’re like, “Yeah. Life is like that
Reid: isn’t it?” And then my… the way that I look at flirting is it’s just being playful it’s like we’re playing Frisbee with being playful with each other.
Reid: And…and then the only other thing I drop in is you know because as a cisgender white big bouncy golden retriever dude, I always try to ask permission is like you know, “may I flirt with you?” And people are like “what?” I’m like “may I fight with you? Yes or no?” and then they’re like “yes” and I’m like
Reid: You start
Cathy: I…I’d love that because I’ve been on dates that I didn’t realize we’re dates for a couple of years like sometimes
Reid: You were dating somebody and didn’t know it for a couple of years?
Cathy: Well it was a single date but I didn’t realize it was a date.
Reid: There was a single date that lasted couple of years? Being playful. See how it’s working?
Cathy: Being playful. No I… just sometimes people aren’t like I’m not always aware that people are flirting I don’t assume people are flirting with me. So I’d love it when someone specifically says, “Can I flirt with you?” or “your fun to flirt with” like “oh, that’s what we’re doing. Okay” and I try to do the same back. So I’m like you like you I learned from you “can I flirt with you?” But because I’m really shy and I always feel awkward I also leveraging. I was… often say to them “hey, I’m really shy. I’m really awkward at flirting but you seem like a lot of fun, can I try to flirt with you?”
Reid: Sure. And…and that and I have my grammar nerds out there is it can I or may I? I’m… I always get that wrong.
Cathy: I don’t
Reid: I… I’d missed I think I missed that week of school in fourth or…or sixth grade or whenever we did that I also cannot diagram a sentence to save my life.
Cathy: Yeah. I don’t think that we have to have the worry about grammar
Reid: And…on my channel, we worry about grammar.
Reid: commas saves, punctuation saves lives ladies and gentleman. It’s the difference between “let’s eat grandma?” and “let’s eat, grandma.”
Cathy: That is very important
Cathy: That eat grandma, however if I’m flirting with someone and they’re correcting my grammar I’m just like “okay, this is hard enough.
Reid: Fair enough.
Cathy: And I’m done, done.”
Reid: Fair enough. Next…next slide please.
Reid: So where can people go to get resources from you about your stuff? Because you do all kinds of things at the intimacy dojo.
Cathy: Will get you a resource guide a PDF I made and just different ways to break the ice and if you feel shy awkward to actually leverage your shyness and awkwardness to build connection because it’s…it’s funny because like even you identify someone is insecure and people that we most people we look around and we’re like “they’ve got it all together. They’re never shy” and I’ve had people tell me that that I don’t look shied like “no talking to people is really scary” and I think we always come… we often compare how we feel inside to what we see on the outside of other people.
So there’s probably a lot more shy people out there than you think a lot more insecure people and everyone can be shy or insecure in the right situation like you know the most extroverted person meeting Obama might be like you know
Cathy: Boy crush or whatever. So we all get times when we’re and if you if you flirt with Obama I think that’s great. Sorry.
Reid: I’m not going to say anything.
Cathy: No. But they’re all
Reid: Mr. President.
Cathy: So, I think you can…we can always hit times when we feel insecure or awkward and having these skills and also using them to help other people that might feel shy ‘coz that’s really powerful to help people that are normally overlooked have a voice.
Reid: So somebody’s asking, Natalie thank you for the question. It’s https://theintimacydojo.com/flirting.
Cathy is also partners with Rick Wilkes in EFT technique tapping.
Cathy: Yeah, yeah.
Reid: So if you’re if you’re curious about tapping, they’re amazing at teaching it and there’s a lot of free downloads for you to dip your toes into the waters of EFT if you’re curious about that and that’s at thriving now.
Reid: http://www.thrivingnow.com/ and then last but not least something that might be useful for folks is thinking about shy and…and…and insecurity as just a kind of like a conglomeration of a kind of awkward like it creates an awkwardness and if you want to check out my embrace the awkward formula which I believe is the superpower being able to handle and…and navigate awkward moments you can go to http://reidaboutsex.com/awkward.
Reid: Anything else you’re leaving with?
Cathy: No. I just I think it’s really cool and geeky. I love geeks if you’re like even if you’re extroverted learn the techniques so that if you’re having a bad day or if you’re suddenly feeling shy you know them.
Cathy: And if you’re shy like don’t let that hold you back there’s too many lonely people out there it’s really time we all connected and someone said that they checked up both channels is a creepy then I went to both of them. I think it rocks.
Reid: No…we I mean I… I I’m not going to make any jokes right now ‘coz
Cathy: Both ways?
Reid: Aahhh! Alright ladies and gentleman, we’re leaving you. We’ve got work to do. Leave some comments. Share the video with somebody and leave in the comments or email us like you know what kind of things should we do in future Facebook live videos? What do you want to hear talkie Cathy talked about on her Facebook? What do you want to hear me talk about? Bye!
Cathy: Have a great day!
Reid: Mwah! Mwah! Mwah!