How Do You Know If A Poly Relationship Is For You?
Cathy: How do you know if a poly relationship will work for you?
This is Dan Powers from http://www.beyondthebedroomevents.com/
Dan: This is Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com/
Cathy: And my cat making a cameo.
Cathy: Again, She’s very popular now.
Dan: She got her name in the credits.
Cathy: And now so now we can get over.
Cathy: Oh Yeah, so we get people asking questions like that like, how do I know if it’s right for me? I’ve heard about it. It seems like a lot of people are doing it. Some people are happy, How do I know if poly relationships will work for me? Or open relationships.
Dan: I think it’s a really good question and it’s one that’s not easily supported in our society. Because [Inaudible 00:00:39] supports systems for it.
Cathy: No, you’re not around the water cooler at work saying”Hey, yeah I heard about those poly relationships have you ever tried one? No yeah.”
Dan: Yeah, or “I’m looking at opening my relationship up. What do you think? The first co answer they’re going to give you is “You’re fucking crazy”. I think one tip for me is, do you enjoy watching your partner receiving pleasure from somebody else? Like you go to a party and I’m not saying necessarily having sex but you see them talking with somebody else in your life liberty.
Cathy: Or flirting here.
Dan: Or flirting yeah! I was like. “Wow, I’m just they’re having so much fun and that just it’s the Holcomb Persian thing. Which we should probably define but we’ll find out in a second. But you know I’m watching my partner who’s engaging this way. And it just it turns me on, it makes me happy. You know that’s really compersion.
Cathy: Yeah! What compersion is the opposite of jealousy. Instead of me feeling jealous or unhappy that my partner is getting being happy with someone else. I feel delighted and warmer and happy about it. And I think that takes a certain amount of confidence. And feeling of self-worth to do that. it’s hard to do
That .I have a lot of insecurities they can come up. And I know that they’re worse when my needs when aren’t getting met when I’m like super tired or I’ve had a bad day, or like I haven’t enough to eat or whatever it is. I’m just like “Oh, my god that person that person going to steal them away from me and it’s going to I won’t have any left.” and when I’m in a really good mood in a space where I’ve gotten a lot of my needs I’m like “Look how happy they are isn’t that wonderful” and they can get these needs met in other ways. I’m sorry…
Dan: That cat are so being used of tail, it’s a lot of attention.
Cathy: it’s a nonconsensual relationship at this point.
Dan: Not a poly relationship.
Cathy: Oh yeah, so it’s. I think people struggle a lot with it. And there are skills you definitely have to have.
Dan: You’ve got to be able to communicate. Absolutely be able to communicate and one of the things I’ve seen Poly being done what I think is really poly is when they say “Oh, you go fix yourself and come back when you’re done”.
Cathy: I think that doesn’t work… humans are humans you never done.
Dan: Right, and you’re in relationship you’re there to support them in that relationship. If you’re a monogamous relationship and something’s going on for them you’re there to support them
Cathy: You’re there for them.
Dan: Right hopefully and if you’re a poly relationship then you’re going to need to be able to support both of those people. And whatever this is going on tell them the definition of poly and a lot that were going to tell them.
Cathy: Yeah, there’s lots of different ways you can make it work. But I think you also do really good at scheduling. Because whatever your agreement you can have people at our secondary or not as vital to the core relationship. But everybody’s going to want some attention everybody’s going to want some time and if you can’t, if you can’t accommodate that you’re going to have a lot more jealousy and conflict going on. I think it’s also a lot about it’s not right for everybody. I don’t think everybody is like, I think there’s a spectrum and some people are just really happy to be monogamous and that’s great. I’m not trying to convert everybody. But look and see what you notice are you happy with a lot of friends around? Or you do want one friend at a time? Notice how you interact with people where you feel happy and satisfied. And there’s nothing wrong with that I happen to like being Poly and like it’s a good fit for me. Because I like knowing my partner’s aren’t just depending on me. That sometimes feels like a lot of pressure, like I’ve got it like “Oh, wow I’ve had a really long day my career is really important to me. and like I have a very busy schedule” So sometimes I’m just not available and I love knowing my partners have like three or four the people they can call and just have everything taking like they’re okay. And I like being there for them when I can too.so that’s a good fit for me personally and because I don’t mind sharing like I’m the kind of love hearing the stories about how, what fun they had the bedroom. That’s fun and erotic to me so there’s nothing wrong there. But figure out what fits free and if that doesn’t seem delightful for you, you should not do it. And don’t do it just to keep a relationship.
Dan: No, just like we said earlier. Don’t have children to keep a relationship, don’t go into poly relationship don’t open your marriage or relationship to fix it.
Cathy: Or to try to keep it.
Cathy: because it’s not. It be true to who you are. If this feels you know there’s difference between something being a little bit frightening and being to know. Like it is scary to open a relationship even if you’re truly poly so it’s going to try and something new is scary. That’s different from like “this is totally not who I am”.
Cathy: Don’t do that, it’s really. There’s a great books out there it’s great to find out more about it. Find a coach or therapists that’s Poly friendly.
Dan: There’s great organization out there’s http://www.lovemore.com/
They’ve got conferences that support that and have coaches that can support you through that.
Cathy: Yeah, just entire menus book that opening up is really good.um So explore a little bit see if it resonates with you as you’re reading you’re going to a conference people are talking about it. And notice the difference between being just afraid because it’s new, and resistant because it’s just not for you,
So hope this helps leave comments below.