How Do You Tell If Someone Desires You?

How Do You Tell If Someone Desires You?

How Do You Tell If Someone Desires You?

Ever wonder if someone is flirting? Or if they wanted to take things to the next level? Find out more with Joslyn from http://www.MojoMediator.com and Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com.

Cathy: How do you tell if someone else desires you? Something I struggled with and I’m really delighted to have Joslyn from the mojo mediator here from http://mojomediator.com/. I’m Cathy Vartuli from https://theintimacydojo.com/ and Joslyn I sucked at this.
I’ve actually gone out on dates with people and two years later I realized they were a date and one night a friend and I were like we were flirting with each other very shyly and neither of us got it. We and the next party I’m like “were you flirting with me?” and she’s like “yes” and I was like “Oh, I was flirting with you.” She’s like “oh.” So like it’s I think people struggle with this like how do you know if somebody likes you?

Joslyn: Yeah. Oh, it’s such a cha….it’s just a tricky question. Right? Because especially in these teen age when there’s so much talk about consensual sexual activity and consensual you know the way we approach them when

Cathy: Yeah.

Joslyn: instead of being caressing or….or considered like tactics where

Cathy: Playing game like pickup artists kind of manipulating or something like that.

Joslyn: Right. It’s….it’s….it’s really a tricky thing I think for us a sort of not keeping thing

Cathy: Yeah.

Joslyn: because there’s so much medical correctness around “how to reach the point to behave

Cathy: Yeah.

Joslyn: with people?” and the… and especially in this arena I think I know I’ve been in that situation too where I was like really naïve about what was actually taking place between me and the other person. And I also think that on….on the flip side of that coin but or make it the same side of that coin, there’s something to be said for understanding and taking responsibility for things that you create when you’re communicating with somebody else. Looking on for myself, growing up and maturing in my….my sexual life, my social my social sexuality, I didn’t know is to understand how my friendliness would be perceived

Cathy: Yeah.

Joslyn: And so when I look back on it, I’m…I’m really consciously aware of like it’s still [Inaudible 00:02:22] when I think back to some of the situations that I was in obviously like I mean you know probably it’s directing that sexual energy towards me because it seems like I was being really open, really friendly

Cathy: Yeah.

Joslyn: and inviting that when we really got just my nature.

Cathy: Yeah. If

Joslyn: And

Cathy: If you’re if you’re playful some people take that as like “oh, they’re flirting. They want….they want me.”

Joslyn: Yeah. And I….I’m super playful by nature [Inaudible 00:02:45] when I’m….I’m allowed to when I’m going to take space something in relationships tricky for myself. So, how? You know I’m not sure if there’s one answer for that

Cathy: Yeah.

Joslyn: Because people all have different ways of….of interacting. We also have different ways of showing up I mean you know there goes some situation that way

Cathy: Yeah.

Joslyn: And so, I think really the best way to know is to ask. Right?

Cathy: Yes.

Joslyn: Like it’s really the only their only sure far away to really know if somebody is interested in you or not or if they’re just being overly friendly or they’re just really excited that day

Cathy: Yeah

Joslyn: or if you know what….what….whatever is going up for them. I think really that’s probably that way you’ll know.

Cathy: It’s….using their words like adults. It’s hard though can you give some examples of how you’ve asked people ‘coz like when I think about it, I’m a bigger person and I know that sometimes people have like it’s their….their story and their deal but as sometimes they’ve been insulted if I asked if they were you know interested in me like “no, just friends” and I’m like it doesn’t always feel good like

Joslyn: Ahhhhh!

Cathy: You know and anybody nobody likes rejection it doesn’t feel it’s not delightful. So can you give us some examples of how you’ve asked people?

Joslyn: It’s not delightful that and that. It’s not delightful. Jizz! What would I say? I just say if you and I were having an exchange and the back forth, maybe I would probably like I would leave into it. I would probably walk beat around the bush a little bit.

Cathy: Yeah.

Joslyn: I would engage your reaction to like easy questions like you know I would I would for….myself would say I was trying to pick you up [Inaudible 00:04:33] I would try to figure that out.

Cathy: Yeah.

Joslyn: I would I would be asking people questions about relationship stuff, I would be asking questions that were intimate.

Cathy: Yeah.

Joslyn: Really. I want to I would I would be trying to establish a connection with you on a on….on a on intimate level

Cathy: Right

Joslyn: Right?

Cathy: Yeah

Joslyn: So, I would probably asking questions about you know things you like and how you’re feeling?

Cathy: Yeah.

Joslyn: I would bring an instance like you know moving on, how you’re feeling emotionally? Or [Inaudible 00:05:07] like that….that’s the things I do when I’m out, when I’m around other people. So I’m playing with my hair like that

Cathy: Yeah, yeah.

Joslyn: [Inaudible 00:05:20] and that can also too like reading body language, right? People…. people I think it can [Inaudible 00:05:30] body language. I’m very touchy feely

Cathy: Yeah.

Joslyn: myself

Cathy: I’m…I’m that with my friends and with people I’m interested in so it’s not like and different people some people are never touchy unless they want sex or want romantic relationships. So I think it…it can be useful to watch like how are they with other people versus how are they with me? Oh, my door was shut.

Joslyn: Yeah.

Cathy: Sorry.

Joslyn: [Inaudible 00:05:54]

Cathy: But yeah

Joslyn: That’s…..that was really good that was really good parameter you have to look definitely what gaging how people are between with other people kind of kind of give reframe of reference from where to land on that on that railway.

Cathy: Yeah.

Joslyn: So that’s… so that’s [Inaudible 00:06:12]

Cathy: Yeah, yeah and I think that I you know one of the things I do is I tell people that are I’m shy I’ve considered myself one of the shy and awkward people in the world and I try to own it. So if I what I did to ask that the one my friend that I flirted and I’ve known her for a long time but like the next day I said you know I kind of suck at this stuff and I don’t like I’m not sure and I don’t want to make you uncomfortable but I’m kind of what you seem like you might have been flirting with me last night and I can never tell these things could you just confirm like I you I owned where I was coming from like because I really do suck at this. So like I can’t tell unless someone says “I want to flirt with you” which Reid Mihalko talks about asking people and I’m always like “oh thank god! They said it out loud. I know what’s happening now.”

Joslyn: That’s perfect.

Cathy: Yeah.

Joslyn: First, asking permission to flirt.

Cathy: Yeah.

 

Joslyn: I really like that. Yeah, I really like that. If you know what like to be honest Cathy that’s exactly what I was a bit tacky ‘coz I would just say half I would just say “hey, I was feeling like you were you know just want [Inaudible 00: 07:15] step out there. So, I’m thinking….so I’m thinking that out correctly?

Cathy: Yeah.

Joslyn: Like it’s like I would feel some sexual energy there or some placation intention you know “yeah, am I am I right about that? Or”

Cathy: Yeah.

Joslyn: No pre….no pressure.

Cathy: Yes.

Joslyn: I think so I get I get so I’m bad and so I thought I was instead I was feeling right. I think yeah and get confirmation from the person, right?

Cathy: Yeah.

Joslyn: Guessing game like we don’t we’re all kind of do these mind reading tricks and….and definitely it’s not just that scary like you can just ask

Cathy: Well, it’s really proud….I have read some of the books about body language and like how someone turns to you and how long their eyes look in the other people’s eye lit and everybody’s different and it could be the suns on their eyes or they have you know like they’re they’ve got poison ivy on their legs, they’re fidgety and I think they they’re not interested because they’re fidgeting and they’re really like really into talking with me. So we can make up stories about how people respond to us but I do like asking and getting verbal because it also tells me how they handle things and I don’t necessarily want to flirt with someone who’s going to make up stories or going to not be able to communicate with me clearly

Joslyn: Yeah. They’re not able to own their stuff.

Cathy: Yeah

Joslyn: Right? Not be able to own where they’re where they’re at or where they’re coming from

Cathy: Yeah

Joslyn: or even gracefully say no.

Cathy: Yeah

Joslyn: Right?

Cathy: Yeah

Joslyn: Yeah.

Cathy: and not…not freak out because you said something and I think part of it is we have to handle like if we ask someone there’s tendency for people like if we find someone we kind of like it’s we’re excited and we put a lot of our identity on that person. If that person likes me I’m okay, I’m desirable versus other like okay I’m going to I’m going to take care of myself, I’m going to be there for myself and I’m going to find out if this person wants to play with me like engage in a flirt…flirtation and so we ask if we’re like “so, do you like me? And if you don’t say yes so you want to… you don’t want to flirt I’m going to be devastated and my life is over.” There’s a lot of pressure there it’s harder if people say yes because they’re feeling pressured that’s not really cool. If they say no but feel like uncomfortable that’s the ideal way is to be at a good day I can do it like “hey, you know I I’m bad at this but it seems like maybe you’re flirting with me could you let… are you?” You know

Joslyn: Yes.

Cathy: I can always tell

Joslyn: Yeah.

Cathy: and just be okay like “oh, okay. Cool. I’m a little embarrassed that you’re not but I’m….I’m okay and I was enjoying our conversation is it okay to continue?” Or like “oh, okay. Great. Yeah. How do you like to flirt?” So, if we can making it less like a life-or-death about our identity and…..and if we’re worthy to go forward as….as a human being.

Joslyn: And I think you brought that up Cathy because I think the meanings that we in catch to behavior is…it’s really something that’s worth [Inaudible 00:10:12]

Cathy: Yeah.

Joslyn: So, I’d love that you brought that out ‘coz I think that is a huge component of why people are afraid to be direct

Cathy: Yeah.

Joslyn: and be vulnerable and be courageous and say if that’s what they mean.

Cathy: Yeah.

Joslyn: Because being rejected or like getting a no has super heavy meaning to catch to. Whatever that is

Cathy: Yeah.

Joslyn: if that’s what you think it means undesirable, it means unworthy, it means not good enough, it means you know does he loves you, you’re being you know yourself, you’re alone for or whatever and they think you’re thinking it… we all have that. We all creating meaning.

Cathy: Yeah.

Joslyn: Right? There are usually beliefs that we….we adopted somewhere along the line, from something that’s we get in a relationship, what is actually happening now.

Cathy: Yeah. That person has not they’re not our parents or our babysitter or our next-door neighbor that we had a crush on when we were 14. There’s this unique human being that has a different perspective. Yeah.

Joslyn: Yeah. So, I think I…I’d love that you brought that up ‘coz that’s really…that’s important thing I think for us all to take time to [Inaudible 00:11:20]

Cathy: Yeah.

Joslyn: because if you don’t have that….the fear associated with rejections that it makes it still you have to deal to be clear about what do you want, what do….you need

Cathy: Yeah.

 

Joslyn: or what it is that you’re looking for like the answer like are you flirting with me? Or is it okay to flirt with you?

Cathy: Yeah.

Joslyn: Right? So, I think that’s what we all….all looking for to is that clarity.

Cathy: Yeah

Joslyn: Right?

Cathy: Yeah

Joslyn: And that what we feel good it’s clarity, right? Knowing what if you’re actually flirting with me or not?

Cathy: Yeah

Joslyn: [Inaudible 00:11:57] means that not knowing and that guessing game like the…the mind reading and the you know

Cathy: It doesn’t work

Joslyn: The play, they don’t work and they’re not because it feels there’s “be not” space that un… that uncertainty

Cathy: Yeah

 

Joslyn: is not a nice place for us to be in

Cathy: Right. And if you’re….if you’re focusing on that like “oh, she played with her hair or she….she winked at me, does that mean we’re flirting?” I’m not really being present with you. I’m being present with my own stories in my own head and being present and….and real with people that’s….that’s one of the hottest ways to flirt I can think of and just be with be with humans.

Joslyn: Yeah. That’s totally and you know I feel like that’s probably where I’ve got myself into trouble in the past

Cathy: Me too

Joslyn: and I felt it’s all part of what gave….made me so good at my job is being able to really authentic and give yourself a warning

Cathy: Yeah

 

Joslyn: if I accept them

Cathy: Yeah

 

Joslyn: and I’m not concerned about what you look like or how you have sex or who you’re having sex with or you know what country you were born in or [Inaudible 00:13:03]? And I think that that authenticity is like talk

Cathy: Yeah

Joslyn: like you were just saying it’s not attractive

Cathy: Yeah

Joslyn: I think to most people. So, that’s all start being more real with each other.

Cathy: Yes

Joslyn: I want… you know something

Cathy: Yeah. No, right there that’s like we start being real with more people we feel fulfilled we feel more fulfilled in our life and then we’re not so hungry when someone does flirt with us that we’re like “oh, that’s must be more have sex now” or like “we’re going to be married in 10 days I’m sure.” It’s just like flirtation is playing. It’s a playful exchange expressing it just getting to know the person it doesn’t mean I’m committed to anything else or that anything else is for sure going to happen but yeah. This is a great discussion I so appreciate Joslyn.

Joslyn: Yeah. You know I’m so happy to be talking to you too Cathy in a way that we’ve tried to connect for so long.

Cathy: Yeah

Joslyn: You and I have just those creative casuals that’s really bed night, speaks that were Cathy’s days. So I’d love……I’d love that when we have more time together. I find what you’ve shared to me so valuable. You’re such a great tool to share with [Inaudible 00:14:10]

Cathy: Oh, thank you. Yeah, likewise it…it was really fun. Oh, sorry someone’s at the door.
I’d love to come back and do this do some more another time if that’s okay?

Joslyn: Yeah absolutely. I would be so happy to that Cathy.

Cathy: Great! Great!

 

By |2017-09-24T23:21:08+00:00April 18, 2019|Dating, Flirting, Relationship Skills, Sex Geeks|