Can being able to say “no” actually create more intimacy? Join Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com as she shares.
Being able to say, “No,” is one of the most important things to form the intimate connections there is. That seems counterintuitive to a lot of people.
They want to be close, so why would they say, “No?”
The truth is, if I don’t have brakes on my car, I’m not going to drive it very far or very fast. If I can’t say, “No,” to you, I’m probably not going to let you all that close. You might ask me for things that I don’t want to do, or you might ask me for things I’m not ready for at that moment.
Once I know I can say, “No,” and that you’ll respect my, “No,” I can open up a lot more, and feel safe doing so.
A lot of us haven’t been trained or taught how to say, “No.”
We guess, or we hint around, and hope the other person will guess that we mean, “No.” “I’m kind of busy,” “I’m kind of tired,” “I’m not sure if I’m available that day.”
That really is an invitation for people to solve the problem. “Oh, well, I can go earlier. I can go later, it won’t be a problem. You can use my car.” Then all of a sudden, you’re stuck doing something you didn’t want to do.
The other side of that is people also don’t really know how to receive a “No.” They hear the word “no” and they feel rejected, and they feel like they’ve been turned down, and they don’t want to feel that way.
Reid Mihalko has a really good solution for that, which I love. It comes from Cuddle Parties. I’m a Cuddle Party facilitator and I love this part. When someone says, “No” to you, you can say, “Thank you for taking care of yourself.” That tricks your brain into going, “Wait, I wasn’t just rejected. I’m thanking them. Maybe everything’s okay.”
You don’t get as upset. The other person feels well-received, because they got to say, “No,” and you didn’t freak out, you thanked them. They feel safe, and they’re more likely to open up with you.
If you can start practicing your “no’s” with people.
With some of my clients, I recommend that they tell a friend, or their family, that they’re going to practice “no” for the next day. They’re just going to say, “No,” to everything. If they want to, a few minutes later, they can change their mind.
So many of us have never said, “No,” that getting to practice can make a huge difference, and it can help you feel safer connecting with other people. Once you know you have brakes on the car, you’re ready to cruise the freeways and meet people.
I hope this helps. I’d love to know what you think. Please leave comments below, or drop an email at: support@theintimacydojo.com. Thanks!
More articles on improving communication and relationship skills:
