How To Tell Them That You’re Only Into Casual Hook Up Without Offending Them?
Cathy: What do you do if you’re into someone for a casual hook up but not for anything deeper and you’re not sure how to tell them without kind of making them feel bad or rejecting her or using the half-truth? This is Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com
Reid: This is Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com the solution? Wear tux.
Cathy: Wear tux. But it can be that you might meet somebody like this person could be fun like I’m physically attracted to them or they kind of seem like they can be fun to have a casual relationship but I know I don’t need anything deeper. But I don’t want to hurt their feelings maybe they’re more into me or you like me saying you’re great to fuck but I don’t want to date you.
Reid: Yeah, if you said that to me I’d be like, right on! So first off, I’ve flew in today to hang out with Cathy. Airlines lost my luggage and so I have my suit bag with me and I had a tux in my suit bag so you’re getting the tux treatment today coz that’s spanky. This is a great question we loved it when you write in questions so this is how I’m interpreting this situation I think that the thing that will alleviate this is if that if you want to hook up with this person like having casual sex then if this person is also somebody who likes casual sex who does not take their casual sex casually somebody who’s kind of you know that has a black belt in hooking up then you can say hey I just want to check in I’m you know for these reasons I want to have sex with you and I’m just concerned I have this thing about making sure that people know that I don’t want to date them. So I want to have this check in with you.
Cathy: I think the person who wrote was concerned it’s really authentic to say I’m not looking to date people right now when it’s actually the person that she’s talking to she doesn’t want to date.
Reid: Yeah you can say, I just so you know I really likr to bang you but I don’t want to date you. Are you okay with that? If you’re dating your “species” if you’re hooking up with people who like hooking up most of us can handle that.
Cathy: Right and there are a lot of people in another parts of this county where there’s not a lot of black belts
Reid: Yeah. So go sleep with black belts I’m going to tell you that! Go find them.
Cathy: I lived in Dallas for a long time there weren’t a lot of black belts, there weren’t a lot of people who even had yellow belts, so what do you do in that situation?
Reid: I would say the same thing because if you scare them away those are the people that could potentially want to date you and now you have a potential problem in your hands what you want are the people like you don’t have to say I want to bang you I don’t want to date you and you’re be like hey I tried to leave the camp these are the words that I would use. I like to leave the camp site better than I found it, I’m feeling very physically attracted to you and I don’t know you well enough yet to know how you do casual sex like I’m very casual with my casual sex, is that going to be okay with you? If I don’t want to date you and we hook up and even if we have amazing sex and it’s great and we hook up over a and over again I’m still not going to want to date you. That does work for you? And then you can say it in a ways that feels congruent for you and are gentle and compassionate. And if you scare somebody away I really do think you’ve done yourself a favor. And for the person who is like I don’t know if I would be okay with that but I’m willing to test it then you’ll a little bit better and then you have those people that are like I think I’m okay with that and then you have your casual sex but they’re like but I really want to date you, you’re amazing. And then you get to say thank you so much and I’m a no to dating you that’s why when we have our check in at the beginning of this I said that it was a thing and now I’m seeing that it’s different for you now I appreciate you trying making the effort I still don’t want to date you so maybe we shouldn’t continue hooking up? And then you can figure it out coz they could be like its Dallas and there’s not a lot of good people to have casual sex with and you’re really good and we have a good time so maybe I can try hooking up with you still and see how that works. And then now, but at least you’re having an adult conversation it doesn’t guarantee that it’s going to end well at least it’s moving forward and hopefully will end if it doesn’t more mindfully and consciously that doesn’t mean people don’t get hurt but generally speaking if you’re trying to leave the camp site better than you found it and taking care of your own boundaries and being the best communicator that you can, youlre definitely role modeling for somebody who is not a black belt way better protocols and I think you’re just being a decent human being.
Cathy: I think someone may come down to that they they want them to be kind and not disappointing others and I’d like to come back in a video on that so leave your comments below.
Reid: And if you don’t want to watch the next video go to www.ReidAboutSex.com/protocols and you’ll learn and you can sign up for a little download on my casual sex protocols which I call my slut protocols coz that can also help coz that can also be an imprinting thing which we will talk about on the next video.
