Can gossip really HELP your relationships and build community? Learn how…Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com and Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com share.

Reid: Do you enjoy gossip?

Cathy: When can gossip actually be good for your community?

Reid: I’m Reid Mihalko from http://ReidAboutSex.com.

Cathy: I’m Cathy Vartuli from http://TheIntimacyDojo.com.

Reid: This will be the only time we ever tell you to gossip, because gossip actually, while it’s been studied and serves a very important purpose socially, is bullshit.  It destroys communities, because we tend to gossip about things that are negative.

Cathy: Yes.

Reid: What if we gossiped about positive things?  Wouldn’t you like to hear people talking behind your back, saying all the right things.

Cathy: It’s really fun, too, because you can say it in that same tone that you’d use for negative gossip, which kind of gets around their brain going, “I can’t take compliments.”  You start giggling and reanchoring things.  Instead of saying, “Did you see what Sally did the other day?  Oh my god.  What was she thinking.  That was so stupid.”

You might say, where Sally could hear you, and if not, it’s still fun.  “Did you see what Sally did?  That was so generous.  I don’t know what she was thinking doing that.”

Reid: “Oh my god.  Sally, was she thinking at all?  She’s just so generous, and she was magnificent and heroic when she did such and such.”

Cathy: “She made brownies for the whole group.”

Reid: “For the whole group, my goodness.  And those brownies, delicious.  Anything that she cooks, melts in your mouth.  She is not just loving and heartfelt, but she is amazing in the kitchen.”

Wouldn’t you like to hear that around the coffee, around the water cooler at work.

Cathy: Reid has an exercise where whenever you’re in a group, you can do this, in groups of threes or fours.  You have the person you’re going to “gossip” about, face away from you with a notebook, so they can write down the things they most love.  You take turns saying gossipy things about them.

Reid: Only the positive stuff.

Cathy: It can be about, “I love her hair.  I love his eyes, they’re so warm and deep.”

Reid: “Cathy Vartuli’s skin, like butter.  Oh my god, I just want to rub my face on it.  I want to touch it all the time, it’s crazy soft.”

See, she lights up.

Cathy: Yes.

Reid: You can have fun with this.  The gossip exercise, the next time you’re having a dinner party or hosting a little round table of your friends, basically the set up is get everybody, pick one person, have them write things down, because being able to read that stuff later, really does anchor it, like Cathy was saying.  Then, you guys take three minutes, and say all the nice things that you can think about them, behind their back, literally, while they write stuff down.  Then, rotate through the group.

Cathy: Even if you don’t know the person, it’s surprising how much you can pick up and see about them, just from the few minutes you might have interacted with them.

Reid: “Oh my goodness. Who cuts that person’s hair?  Their crazy.”

Cathy: “Oh wow.  Did you see that smile, when she first walked in the room?  It was so present and warm.”

Reid: “It lit me up too.”

Cathy: “Yeah.”

Reid: “I can’t stop staring at that haircut.  I have envy for that.  I want to reach out and touch the hair.  It’s such a good haircut, oh my goodness.  I wonder what they’re like, to drive cross county with.”

Cathy: “Oh wow.”

Reid: “They must be amazing.  Oh my goodness, I can’t wait to meet them more.”

Cathy: “That smile every time you stopped at a stop light.”

Reid: “Oh my goodness.  We could get out of speeding tickets with that smile.

Cathy: “Yeah, that’s excellent.”

Reid: We could speed across the country.”

The gossip exercise, only positive gossip, and understanding that saying nice things about people, even if you don’t know them, really can change lives.

Cathy: Yeah.  People don’t get appreciated enough.  It really is fuel for them to be better in the world, and for you to be better in the world, so receive them if you can, and share them.

Reid: The next time you play the gossip exercise, and write all those things down, understand that some of that you’re going to be like, “Oh my goodness.  I can’t be like that.  If they only really knew who I was, they wouldn’t say such nice things.”

The message there, is that, what’s going on your head, is BS most of the time.  This is a bad neighborhood, as one of my mentors once said.  You will get mugged up here, so listen to the nice things, and role model for your community, saying nice things about each other.

Cathy: Yeah.  Go have fun.

Reid: Are they gossiping about us?  What are they saying?

Cathy: Oh, wow.

Reid: They must be amazing.  Oh my goodness.  I can’t wait to meet them.

Cathy: That smile every time you stopped at a stop light.

Reid: Oh my goodness.  We could get out of speeding tickets with that smile.

Cathy: Oh yeah, that’s excellent.

Reid: We could speed across the country.  So, the gossip exercise.  Only positive gossip and understanding that saying nice things about people, even if you don’t know them, really can change lives.

Cathy: People don’t get appreciated enough and it really is fuel for them to be better in the world and for you to be better in the world.  Receive them if you can and share them.

Reid: The next time you play the gossip exercise and write all those things down, understand that some of that you’re going to be like, “oh my goodness, I can’t be like that. If they only really knew who I was, they wouldn’t say such nice things.”  The message there is that what’s going on in your head is BS most of the time.  This is a bad neighborhood, as one of my mentors once said, you will get mugged up here.  Listen to the nice things and role model for your community saying nice things about each other.

Cathy: Go have fun.

Reid: Are they gossiping about us?  What are they saying?

 

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