I’m Jealous Of My Partner’s New Love Interest, What Should I Do?
Cathy: What if you notice your partner doing things with the new lover part or love interest that you wish that they do to you or with you? This is Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com
Reid: Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com and you’re like how people are going to feel because you’re the only person that I’ve shoot the videos with me tux and now all these other…
Cathy: You’re going to have to take your tux everywhere with you.
Reid: And they’re like Reid how come you won’t shoot videos with me in a tux? Cathy got the tux treatment.
Cathy: It might actually be like a thing for some people and I know that I might be really happy with the relationship were just talking about this in the previous video. You might be really happy with the relationship and then you see your partner doing something with someone else and you’re like you’ve never done that with me I really want that too. And it might be something you never thought to ask for before.
Reid: Like never done or that something you do with me?
Cathy: I’m saying what if it’s something they’ve never done with you? That you would like? I understand that’s another options but…
Reid: So, my partner and I have never done mountain biking. I start seeing somebody who is a mountain biker, now I’m getting into mountain biking and my partner’s like how come we never went mountain biking?
Cathy: Or you’re like bring were hanging out you bring them a cup of coffee and you give him a kiss and it’s not something you’ve done with your other partner.
Reid: Very comfortable thing.
Cathy: You do with me and I really appreciate that, that’s something else I get. Tuxes and coffee.
Reid: Name my band.
Cathy: But you might see a mannerism or a behavior that you didn’t even realize you wanted until you saw the other person do it and it could spike up some jealousy and then you’re like how do I asked for a thing without seeming clingy? So Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com
Reid: I think you said that, right?
Reid: And the reason why I’m wearing my tux is the Airlines lost my bag so I had my tux with me today so we’re doing videos with my tux.
Cathy: It’s not because I’m special?
Reid: It is. It is and I brought you coffee from the plane. Alright, back to the question so the challenge for me so I don’t really feel the thing that you describing so I can’t really answer what I would do as the person feeling those feelings I can answer as the person who has people upset about the situation and all what I tried to do to make my lovers happy is I just try to be awesome in the relationship and it’s hard for me not to get offended when people get upset that somehow they’re not special when my attention is on somebody else.
Reid: Because I’m like, that’s a no win situation but if we started mountain biking and now you’re upset about the mountain biking like how you blaming me?
Cathy: Well I think that if you all of a sudden went mountain biking 12 hours a day and you’re taking time that normally was spent with other person away I could totally see that, there will be jealousy even if it’s not the other person.
Reid: But the challenge then is if I haven’t dated anybody before then you did get all my time and if we negotiated that were in an open relationship and I’m allowed to date other people I have to take time out of the 24/7 that you got.
Cathy: How can you do videos with anyone else?
Reid: Exactly. Exactly.
Cathy: I think there’s a challenge I notice when I’m close to someone and I feel special with that person like there’s a deep relationship and I see them suddenly doing something for someone else that they’ve done for me there’s that kind of a pain like oh God maybe I’m not so special to them and even if they might be really glad to that for me if I asked it’s hard for me to ask in a calm neutral voice without like why did you never do that for me before? Don’t you do care about that person? It’s easy to let the emotions come in then the others person usually feel defensive because there’s all the emotions.
Reid: So there’s a lot of different ways to talk about this but the main thing is let’s go to the mountain biking example, how would I have known to invite you to invite on a mountain biking? Because I wasn’t even into mountain biking. It was the person who was already a mountain biker who invited me that got me into mountain biking.
Cathy: So would it work? For me it’s hard because I’m usually pretty cool but then there’s times when just something will hit me in the right way.
Reid: Which is a human thing.
Cathy: Human, so even saying something like I’m noticing I’m having a lot of feelings about this you’re not doing anything wrong and I’m sorry if it comes out like with emotion but I really want to go mountain biking with you too.
Reid: Are you inviting me to go mountain biking with you?
Cathy: I want you to invite me. Would you be willing?
Reid: To invite you to go mountain biking?
Cathy: Excellent. Thank you can we do that soon?
Reid: Sure. I guess I have to pick the date then too. Do you have a mountain bike?
Cathy: No, you have to get a bike for me.
Reid: I have to get a bike for you. I got it. And again like I don’t know if I want to buy you a bike but the thing is when I teach jealousy so there’s feelings of being special like you want to be important and you fear not being special anymore and then there’s the envy piece which is oh I actually I want to go mountain biking it doesn’t actually have to be with you. So it’s understanding like is it that you want the hobby, the new hobby using mountain biking still or is that you want the quality time with me or little bit of both or what is it?
Cathy: Where does it fall like you’re saying that I want to go mountain bike, I want your attention versus I want to go mountain biking all of my own versus I don’t I want to shoot videos with you and your tux and I don’t care if other people shoot video with you and your tux.
Reid: Okay, how much video can I shoot with other people until you feel like I’ve taken something away from you?
Cathy: As long as it doesn’t interfere with the time we have set aside to do videos it’s okay.
Reid: Great, so in this instance when I have time to go mountain biking because were in an open relationship now I’m shooting videos on a mountain bike if it’s not taking away from that you have your video time with me then why do I now have to but you a mountain bike?
Cathy: So you’re making an example I don’t really want a mountain bike.
Reid: Got it but it’s the nature of why all of the sudden do you not feel special? I get that you’re human and you’re seeing and I’m just talking about myself just seeing my focus go on with somebody else which the focus isn’t on you which seems to be the thing and I’ve raised my voice because I struggled with this.
Cathy: I think that knowing at least for my experiences with that personally if I know the attention is going to come back, if the person I’ve really enjoyed the attention from either there attention is going away if I know it’s going to come back in a reasonable amount of time and I‘m going to get that again I personally don’t feel too bad but if I feel like it might have gone away and it’s never coming back or I don’t know when the insecurity about knowing when or if it’s coming back that will bring up my insecurities.
Reid: And again, think about I invite people to think about this if my attention went away because I was golfing, golfing now is the example and it had nothing to do with the person, do you suddenly not feel as unspecial like how much of it is attention on a hobby or time away from you with focus away from you on something and then is all because it’s focus on another person that makes it more.
Cathy: I can still feel that like it worked with best friend we’ll be hanging out and he get really caught up in technology and if he’s lost in it and I thought we spend time together I can feel the same feeling and it’s not a person.
Reid: I notice this video is getting long but that’s also the ideas of quality time because as long as I’m sitting near somebody that I want to be sitting there next to I don’t care if they’re on their phone or not that doesn’t bother me because I’m just like a dog I’m just happy to be there.
Cathy: Also cat’s need…
Reid: Cats needs a little bit more focus because they might want to bite you and sometimes when you give them focus they still want to bite you. Leave your comments below. Hmmmm Cat.