I’m Jealous Of Other Women, What Should I Do?
Cathy: A woman wrote it and said, how do you deal with being overly jealous towards other woman?
This is Reid Mihalko from http://reidaboutsex.com/
Reid: Cathy Vartuli from https://theintimacydojo.com/
Cathy: It’s a right question. Thank you so much for writing in. I think often we try to hide our jealousy because we’re taught that good people aren’t jealous or there’s something wrong or people aren’t caring about us if they make us feel jealous but jealousy is a very complex topic and that… well you have a great program called the 8-Armed Octopus of Jealousy that breaks it down and makes it much more understandable and manageable.
Reid: Yeah. And by complex you know what Cathy means is a lot of moving parts but the but the
Cathy: And a lot of contributing factors
Reid: yeah but the idea is kind of is…is simple in a certain way if because the way I like to think of it is treating jealousy like asthma, which a friend of mine Kamala Devi talked about where I kind of got that concept. If you know somebody who has asthma or if you have asthma, you’re just taught to know what you’re triggers for an asthma attack are and then how to avoid them
Reid: and then you can start to work on because you’re not always having an asthma attack
Reid: How you inoculate yourself?
Reid: So, those contributing factors and whatnot for me looking at jealousy from a need-based perspective and what do you need to not feel jealous or feel less jealous because if you’re getting all your needs met there’s a tendency for people not to feel jealous.
Reid: And then breaking down to the octopus with its eight arms, there’s eight tentacles that point at what possibly you might need to feel resource then your tanks being full so that jealousy doesn’t impact you in the same way.
Cathy: Yeah. I think it’s important to notice what your thoughts are around this. Like dig down a little deeper. I’m feeling… I’m noticing I’m feeling this jealousy towards other women, is it a thought pattern? I was brought up that other women could be a threat especially if they are pretty. They’re going to take things away from me or draw people’s attention away from me. So I have that history pattern and so I’m more sensitive around that. If my tank is low and a really pretty person comes…a woman comes in and people’s attention seem diverted, my jealousy is more likely to flare. You may have that or something different. What do you notice underneath that just surface feeling of jealousy? What are the thoughts the beliefs what…what can help you calm down?
Cathy: If I have if that happens that a friend goes, “hey, I noticed you look intense. Is everything okay?” I feel seen again and I can calm my…my jealousy immediately comes down. First is if everyone is always paying attention to that other person, I’m like, “I hate her.”
Reid: Other things you can do when you know that you’re like that, using Cathy as an example who can you talk to reach out for support? You know “hey I need some reassurance or I need this or I need that” or even just saying “hey so-and-so walked into the room I’m feeling intense because their prettiness historically speaking is going to take something away from me.” So I’m having worries of loss, this or that like can you can you find somebody to talk to put into words the stuff that might be going on in your head
Reid: Because what goes on in your head will gain more power if you leave it up there.
Cathy: It just spins around and multiplies
Reid: You know my I…I for those you who’ve heard me talk about my evil hamsters on their hamster wheels of death
Cathy: [Inaudible 00:03:29]
Reid: As they’re running they’re growing stronger and hulking out and it gets louder and louder in my head and then I’m less effective me saying that I have my hamsters, telling people what I need, those things can go a long way to quieting the hamster effect and at least letting people know what’s going on. And I think that that’s…that’s been useful. You can also check out my jealousy course
Reid: So you can go to http://reidaboutsex.com/category/jealousy/ and that should send you to some articles and eventually the online course if you really want to dig down to those needs. This also works for those of you who have friends and family members and lovers who get jealous. You boning up on how to support them
Cathy: Can help
Reid: around jealousy
Cathy: them calm down so much faster.
Reid: Yeah. Because again we just don’t talk about jealousy in this culture and…and it’s like ohhh!
Reid: Last but not least I would make the make the distinction, is it jealousy? Or envy? Are you jealous like…like jealousy to me means I want the pretty person out of the room and me to get all the attention, I want the attention! Or is it envy which is oh!
Cathy: I want some attention too.
Reid: I want attention too but they can
Cathy: Include me and I’m fine, that’s for me.
Reid: Or they can have their attention that they want as long as I’m getting my attention. I’m not even thinking about the pretty person in the room.
Cathy: Right. And it may be that it may not be prettiness for you around women. You can identify it as you start asking yourself some questions and paying attention once you know what it is it’s a lot easier to ask for help and…and move through it.
Reid: Yeah. What you don’t want to do is start screaming pretty! Pretty! Pretty!
Cathy: Don’t do that.
Reid: It’s not good, usually. I hope I didn’t scare them. Leave a comment. Sorry. Pretty! Pretty!