There is give and take in every relationship.
Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com interviews Betty Martin from http://www.BettyMartin.org about Taking.
Cathy: Hi everyone. I’m Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com, here with Betty Martin from http://www.BettyMartin.org. We’re delighted to have her. She has vast experience and really great insights. In the previous video, we talked about being done to. Now we’re going to talk about taking.
Betty: In the context of those several videos, what we’re talking about is taking turns. The one person’s giving, the one person’s receiving. It has a theme. If you are in the done to half of this situation … then we talked about signal, making sure that you say what you want, that sort of thing. Let’s talk about the doing to. The person who’s taking the action. If I’m going to touch you, there’s a couple of things I’m very, very clear on. One, am I doing it for you? Or am I doing it for me? Both of those are very good reason.
It have an idea calls to me, “It’s got to be for you because if I’m touching you for me, that’s terrible. It’s selfish. I would never do that.” That’s not actually true. It’s actually a very deep human primate need to touch people. We like to touch people. It’s satisfying to touch people.
Cathy: Yes, it is.
Betty: My hands get warm just talking about it.
Cathy: Actually, I took part one of your interviews and I try this with a partner. Apparently that was one of his … that was very erotic to him that I was touching him for myself. It was some of the best sex we’d had ever!
Betty: Yeah, sure. It’s true. It has a different… kind of used to it. If you’re the one doing the touching, you want to be clear whether you’re doing it for them, or whether you’re doing it for yourself. Both of those are wonderful ways to go. How do you find out? How you can meet that? Very simple. You ask. You either ask, “How would you like me to touch you?” In which case obviously for them. You want to know what they want. Or you may say, “May I touch you in this way? May I play with you hair? Can I slip my hand down your shirt? Can I bite your toes? May I play with your butt?” Whatever?
Cathy: Whatever your hands and body…
Betty: Whatever your hand is going to do. It doesn’t have to be … I may them all sound sexy, but it doesn’t have it to be all. Sometimes it’s very comforting just to hold on to someone who’s dear to you. Nourishing and comforting. It may be very sensual. It may be playful. It may be sexy. It may be totally silly. It’s just something that some way that you would like to touch someone.
What I’d like to say is, in order to touch someone, you don’t have to give. What you do have to do is ask permission.
Cathy: Great. You can actually take and for people that are tuned in into energy, that might be that you’re not giving energy, but you’re pulling that from that person with their permission. Pulling that with their permission.
Betty: Basically, this is stealing up from person. We have this concept that usually have during negative connotation. That’s a misconception or misunderstanding about it. It’s basically, “I like the way your legs feel. Can I feel your legs? I like the way your hair feels.” I call that particular mode taking, not because you’re taking something away. Not because you’re stealing. You’re drawn. It’s really a gift. “I feel happy. Can I play with your hair?” You say yes.
Cathy: I like my hair played with. (Laughs)
Betty: What’s that?
Cathy: I like my hair played with.
Betty: Terrific. So if I say, “Cathy, may I play with your hair?” You say, “Yeah”. It’s a gift that you’re giving me.
Cathy: Yeah, if you allow it.
Betty: So you’re allowing me to play with your hair and I’m taking. It’s still a gift for me you have given with a full heart but it’s a gift I have to reach out and pick it up like picking an apple of a tree or picking on to a flower that… I’m taking actions such as to collect that gift that you’re giving me which is you.
Cathy: That makes a lot of sense. It’s great.
Betty: Yeah
Cathy: When someone’s first trying this out, one thing I did just kind of experimenting and it was really kind of fun. I talk about it with my partner first and then we just alternate like I would be touching him and I would alternate between giving and taking. It was really interesting for both of us to notice the different [inaudible 00:05:35] about it.
Betty: Very fun. Very fun.
Cathy: Thank you so much for sharing that…
Betty: You are so welcome. Have fun.
Cathy: Yeah. Have fun experimenting with us and let us know what you think. What are your questions? Leave comments below. Thanks very much, Betty.
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