Is It Important For Your Partner To Enjoy What They’re Doing Sexually?
How important is it for your partner to enjoy touching you? With Yoni Alkan from http://www.ElementsofSexuality.com and Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com.
Cathy: Is it important for your partner to enjoy what they’re doing when you’re having sex? This is Yoni Alkan from https://www.elementsofsexuality.com/
Yoni: And this is Cathy Vartuli from https://theintimacydojo.com/
Cathy: And I think yes, it matters a lot. There are times when you both from being super tired or just like “okay, I’ll give you a 10-minute shoulder up if you give me a 12 of 10 minutes shoulder up” but like that’s just like, “Ah, I’m not going to I just want to get that I just need that rub.” But I think in general, I can really tell when my partner is enjoying touching me versus all too often when I coach people or I’m listening to other people being coached it’s like “oh, I’m doing that thing and I’m supposed to do it like I’m supposed to give the guy a blowjob for oh maybe 20 minutes and then maybe he’ll touch me and my mouth gets really tired” and there is a difference between “oh my god, I love how this feels in my mouth and the fact that this person is enjoying it” versus “I’ve got to do it for how much longer?”
Yoni: Right. It’s kind of like cooking or baking like you can “oh, I need to put a recipe together in order to get this end result and feed someone” or you can look at it as “oh my god, I’m going to make this creation and give it to someone and they’re going to enjoy it and it’s going to nourish their body” and it….it
Cathy: And it can nourish me as I make it.
Yoni: Exactly. It….it nourishes your soul in how you enjoy it and….and I think that’s kind of the key to this which is to enjoy the actual doing. There was a sexologist who said he was talking about masturbation and he was saying, “Do I enjoy the feeling of my hand on my cock?” Or “am I enjoying the feeling of my cock against my hand?” We keep on
Yoni: forgetting that touch is a two-way
Yoni: street, right?
Cathy: I think there’s a….a flow in it. We forget to be mindful. We’re trying to get to the destination to the orgasm or “I’ve given enough to that person that they should now give back to me kind of that kind of trade” versus “oh my god, this feels really nice when I touch this person and wow I’m getting to connect so intimately and I’m….I’m speaking up and letting myself get turned on enough so I want to do it” versus “I’m trying to push myself too you fast, I’m getting ahead of my turn on and then yeah my jaw is tired and I want to stop” versus “I’m really turned on this is fun. I want to do more.”
Yoni: Right and….and of course there are times that we will push ourselves a little bit
Yoni: outside of our comfort in order to make our partner
Cathy: You’re going to
Yoni: Enjoy themselves.
Cathy: have in two minutes. Okay, I can keep this up for two minutes.
Yoni: Yeah. Exactly just hold on dear cowboy but….but we do want to pay….pay attention to ourselves as well. We do want to give to someone but we also don’t want to forget ourselves in it. I’m a compersionist and that really helps me in that sense. Yoni, what’s a compersionist? Compersionist comes from the word conversion, conversion means….we and to enjoy other person’s pleasure.
Cathy: The opposite of jealousy basically
Yoni: Yeah, some people put it like that. I think it’s the opposite of schadenfreude
Cathy: Oh, a joy in other people’s pain.
Yoni: Exactly. So, when I give pleasure to someone else no matter what kind of like it could be a shoulder rub, it could be some sex…something sex….sexual, it could be cuddling, it could be whatever just by seeing their enjoyment and knowing that I’m bringing them pleasure, it pleasures me. It gives me a lot of joy to know that I’m
Cathy: and that everybody’s wired that way. There’s nothing wrong if you’re not but
Cathy: if you are that’s really fun.
Yoni: Exactly, but that’s my point of view, my world point of view in
Yoni: in….in the pleasure world that’s what I like to do.
Cathy: It’s kind of the opposite…..opposite of a sadist I think
Yoni: I don’t know because the sadist enjoys
Cathy: their pain
Yoni: inflicting pain so
Yoni: Yeah, that’s interesting.
Cathy: Yeah but some people get pleasure yeah it’s very complex it’s a big rep ahold to that
Yoni: Yeah totally.
Cathy: Yeah. So, I think that if you can if you find yourself, forcing yourself other than like “oh they’re about to come. I’m going to try to give it another couple you know another 30 seconds of that vigorous action or whatever” speak up. For me a lot of times if I can just cuddle for a little while, I’ll start getting the mood to be more….more frisky but if I’m not in the mood and I kind of push myself it’s not as it feels a little heavier it feels a little harder. So speak up and say “hey listen, I….I want to be present. I want to enjoy touching you and I’m not there yet can we you know” and learn what your body needs to be there.
Yoni: Yeah. Talk and be authentic yeah
Cathy: And just be really mindful like enjoy like how does that touch feel? How does your how does your fingers feel? Are you enjoying? How that your mouth feels against them? Whatever it is.
Yoni: Where is the pleasure?
Yoni: Yeah. Alright, thank you. Thank you very much! I…I would love to hear your take about it like how what do you think? How do you like pleasuring other people and what are your limits? What would you say alright, no that’s it I’m not going to do that anymore or I would actually go a little further with that.
Cathy: Leave comments below.
Yoni: Thank you!