Is It Okay To Hijack A Play Partner At A Play Party?

Cathy: Is it going to fall off?

Reid: We’re here at the beach. Enjoy the beach. What do we got Cathy Vartuli from I’m Reid Mihalko from

Cathy: So this….actually happened to me, I was at a play party and one of my lovers was playing with someone else who I’ve played with and I went over and I was….just keeping them entertained until that person came back and by that time that person came back…first person came back, we decided that the two of us wanted to play a solo instead. So when is it okay to hijack a partner or a play partner at a play party?

Reid: I don’t know. When is it okay?

Cathy: Well, we did talk. We did check in with the person that was originally going to play with him and he was fine with it.

Reid: Okay.

Cathy: But it’s just…..I thought it was kind of an interesting topic because there are times when things change and we’re supposed to change our minds a lot but it can be if you’re set up and you’re planning with something you know to have…..we have

Reid: So if you came back from the bathroom

Cathy: And my partner was….all he said “no, I don’t want to….I don’t I’m going to play with this other person instead.” I might be really disappointed.

Reid: Okay, so how would like so how does that change your answer?

Cathy: Well, again well I do think people are allowed to change their mind.

Reid: Right.

Cathy: I’d….I’d like that we checked in and we made sure that was really okay and we did discussed the three of us playing together.

Reid: Okay.

Cathy: But we decided that we just wanted the two of us just want to play.

Reid: So….it sounds like it’s a situation where the original conversation is something shifted?

Cathy: Yeah.

Reid: And then people were able to handle their disappointment or remain flexible?

Cathy: Ideally, yes. Ah! We’re being bumped by birds.

Reid: And then everything was fine. We’ve got a bunch of birds coming. We’re at the beach if you haven’t figure that out. So the advice

Cathy: So, I just….I liked normalizing things and just talking about what happened and

Reid: The….the quick answer is it’s always okay to change your mind at any time at a play party in any situation. Now that doesn’t mean everyone’s going to be happy about it.

Cathy: Yeah.

Reid: If you changing your mind or your partner or somebody else changing their mind is going to put someone in emotional or physical danger meaning somebody is not going to handle that disappointment or that surprise well then I would take a moment to reconsider if this is somebody you should be going to play parties with at all because there is a certain amount of emotional maturity and that doesn’t mean that you know if you reach some certain level of emotional maturity then all of a sudden you have no disappointment ever at play parties. As William Winters in the Bonobo Tribe says “play parties are…..was it high?

Cathy: High possibility, low expectation.

Reid: High possibility, low expectation events.” So you know honestly like can you handle high possibility low expectation events where you might be disappointed or surprised? And how good are you at one allowing people to change their mind and handling that and also for you being able to speak up and change your mind because if you can’t speak up when your mind has changed then that sometimes means that you end up doing things or agreeing to things that you don’t want to be doing and that can feel really icky

Cathy: Yeah.

Reid: and yucky.

Cathy: Yeah. No, I think it’s….it’s important especially with sex when people can say in the middle or at any point “hey, I don’t want to be doing this anymore. I want to…..I don’t want to this right now with you.” We get to do that. I don’t think is….there’s no standard etiquette that I’ve ever heard about like how to swap partners or switch it out like that.

Reid: No ‘coz then etiquette ends up being what’s socially approved which then means if you go against etiquette, you’re……you’re going against what’s socially approved and that creates a lot of weird social pressure

Cathy: Yeah.

Reid: and forces people into certain kinds of behaviors. If there’s any etiquette….and again this is all my opinion if there’s any etiquette I think you should be following it to the best of your ability. Speak up for what’s going on in the moment and take care of yourself and then be polite as polite

Cathy: Yeah.

Reid: and kind as you can in the moment knowing that sometimes you might not be able to generate or have the bandwidth to be kind when something is going on.

Cathy: Yeah. And there’s days when if you’ve had three people changed their mind on you… might have less preserves then the first person or like this….in this case he had other partners who are willing to play with them and he was you know glad to go out and have a good time. So

Reid: Yeah.

Cathy: it worked out fine.

Reid: Alright.

Cathy: Yeah.

Reid: If you want more resources on play parties you can go to and there will be a sign-up for resources there and please leave comments and let us know what your thoughts are.

Cathy: Yeah.

Reid: And….and whether you go to play parties or not because this is great advice for monogamous relationships too or even if

Cathy: Or hanging out a regular party and you’re talking with someone

Reid: Yeah.

Cathy: and talking with someone else.

Reid: And for people that are single as well and just dating like take care of yourselves and then hang out with people who can handle you being as honest and as polite when you can generate that as you can and they will try to be honest and polite to you back.

Cathy: Yes.

Reid: Good luck!