Sex as a ”Get to” and a “Have to”
Cathy: So, Reid you were running high-performance relationship?Cathy: So, Reid you were running high-performance relationship?
Reid: The longest title ever for the most awesome weekend ever!
Cathy: Three-day weekend and one of the things you talked about at the deep dive that I imagined you’ll talk about there too I could be wrong is that sex is “a get to and a have to”. This is Reid Mihalko from http://reidaboutsex.com/
Reid: Cathy Vartuli from https://theintimacydojo.com/
Cathy: Can you tell us more about sex as “a get to”
Reid: I don’t remember saying that. I don’t know what did you think it meant? I remember but I’m curious about what Cathy thinks.
Cathy: Do you know how corny you are?
Reid: Yeah, they know that. Why is it they keep watching?
Cathy: They’re fascinated.
Reid: Yeah. I’m the reason people stop watching. They like you
Cathy: I don’t know
Reid: They do
Cathy: Leave comments below
Reid: Leave comments if you like Cathy. Who do you like better in this video?
Cathy: Oh, that’s bad. So a lot of people I think our society and media is kind of constantly saying sex sex and just want to have sex everywhere. And there’s the kind of a brainwash mentality I know I get it sometimes like when I’m feeling insecure like if I don’t have sex I’m not okay like if I’m not having a lot of really cool sex I’m just not okay and ideally I should not look the way I look I should be you know I should look like the models I see on TV and have great sex and then I’ll be okay. But it’s a.. That’s a false solution to a problem. There’s a lot of people I don’t feel connected to sexually and it wouldn’t be necessarily good for me to have sex with them and I’m back in the day I did try that like oh that person I want to have sex, that person’s willing let’s go have sex and I didn’t really evaluate is that person a good person a good fit for me are they like am I able to communicate with them and does my body enjoy their touch?
Cathy: So I think “get to” means we can get to go through life looking for people that are good playmates but we don’t have to like if we don’t get it, there is something really wrong.
Reid: Yeah and thank you for answering my question because I put back on you. The whole the piece that you’re referencing is how much culture is reinforcing that we’re broken and the thing that we all have in common is that everybody is being reinforced by culture.
Cathy: Yeah, constantly.
Reid: That we’re broken so either you’re not having enough sex or you’re having too much sex or you know your orgasm is weird or your you know were you know in some places your orgasms are too powerful, too strong, too mighty they will scare people away. And we think what.. while intimacy and touch and human connection is a human need everybody has them in different in different ways
Reid: You know or needs them in different amount throughout their lives and however it occurs to you so just like the idea of wherever you’re at and who and and whatever your needs are why don’t we just say that that’s okay.
Cathy: Well try to match where you. Who you are to that in that non-existent place where people are going to say oh that’s the right amount of sex because in culture would have a different idea than your best friend.
Reid: We’re constantly comparing ourselves because it’s a thing that human beings do so if you can learn how to not compare yourself that might be helpful but it will be tough. But realizing that all the have to’s in culture aren’t like that’s all bullshit and what happens if we can reframe things as we get to and so you don’t have to have sex at the end of that date.
Reid: Because that person just spent too much time with you and maybe they picked up the check.
Cathy: You also don’t have to do certain acts with them that sexual.
Reid: Yeah and you don’t have to do anything if you if you want to make “a have to” in life how about you “have to” take care of yourself and try to be a decent human being that says please thank you and says no when you’re really a no. Invites people to things that you want or that you think you want because sometimes you haven’t tried it yet so how do you really know?
Cathy: And you can change your mind
Reid: Yeah and and how about you, you have to stop thinking people can read your mind when you realize that you’re like, “oh my god like no one can read my mind. I need to use my words” that can be really helpful and again it’s about “get to” it’s not really “have to” but if you “have to” use have to let’s make the have to’s really positive and useful rather than them reinforcing all of the negative shitty stuff that cultures told us that makes us feel less than. When you apply that to relationships all the rules that culture told you about relationships probably fall into the “have to” categories you have to get married, you have to have kids, you have to do this, you have to do that. You know a real man has to act this way a real woman has to act that way and one of the things that we’ll do in the weekend and one of the ways you make your relationships perform more highly like how do you have better relationships that get you what you want and help everybody win is you start kind of breaking that down like where are the “have to’s” ruling you and then how can you create that these are “get to’s” and then which “get to’s” do you really want?
Cathy: Yeah and it’s a little bit of a puzzle because I know for me I have so many “have to’s” embedded like I didn’t even realize I was doing it because I had to I was just doing it because that’s what I did it been kind of a just absorbed it by osmosis but like even I noticed like if I’m going down on someone or all sex and I start feeling tired if as soon as I have to do it it’s not really as fun and I’m not I’m not having fun and they’re.. they’re probably not enjoying it as much either. And if I say hey, I need a break and use my hand or we do something different it might well be that I get to go back down and do more but if I have to I just sit there a make myself do it it’s like, dear Lord and I start feeling resentful and that gets but gets between me and my partner.
Reid: Yeah. Yeah the one fun exception of this is if..
Cathy: If you’re very close
Reid: If “I have to” and that’s hot for you.
Reid: Like oh no. I must do thisCathy: It’s role playing.
Reid: Cathy told me I have to and you’re like yeah “that’s hot”. That’s okay you’re not broken there but but the idea of just the awareness of where culture is running you
Reid: Or making all the rules that can be so disempowering and then let’s say that you’re good at the “get to’s” but maybe you’re dating somebody or you have a really close friend who’s stuck in the “have to’s”
Reid: Then you know dismantling this stuff and reframing it and then giving yourself choice that can be hugely empowering especially in your love relationships.
Cathy: Yeah and there are times when someone’s, like I’m about to come in my you know my job is tiring I’m like I’m just going to stick it out for me. I mean it’s a choice like I’m choosing.
Reid: Yeah. That’s.. That’s I don’t think that that’s what
Cathy: Yeah it’s like.. it’s.. Leave comments
Reid: That’s not exactly what we’re talking about.
Reid: But yes.
Cathy: We love to know what you think.
Cathy: And if you’re interested, where can they go to get more information?
Reid: You can go to http://wa-com.com/highperformancerelationshipmastery.com. The longest title ever because it’s awesome.