How can you offer your partner an upgrade about touch in bed?
Find out with Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com and Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com.
Cathy: What do you if your partner’s touching you in ways that you don’t particularly like?
Reid: I’m Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com.
Cathy: This is Cathy Vartuli from The Intimacy Dojo. The long suffering Cathy Vartuli.
Reid: It’s awesome. The long suffering Cathy Vartuli.
Cathy: This is not you’re hopefully your partner is not doing that to you very often.
Reid: Got your nose, I got your nose.
Cathy: It could be really hard when you’re in bed, like you’re kind of turned on, and I know my brain doesn’t work as well when I’m turned on …
Reid: Just keep talking.
Cathy: Why are you laughing?
Reid: No, it’s just cute to … I just want to keep… Please continue.
Cathy: Let me hold your hands.
Reid: Please continue.
Cathy: It can be hard to say something to your partner about they’re doing a lot of things right but one thing isn’t feeling good or it’s hurting or it’s just not working. I’ll let you role model if you’re willing to be a little serious.
Reid: I am completely serious.
Cathy: How we can talk to a partner about that?
Reid: Okay. You want me to … Do you want to role model first?
Cathy: Sure.
Reid: Okay.
Cathy: I’m supposed to …
Reid: I love your face. I love it, I love it. It’s so sweet.
Cathy: Sorry guys. Oh, sweetie?
Reid: Yes?
Cathy: Can we talk for just a minute?
Reid: Oh, baby. Yes?
Cathy: I really love how you touch me, like my body …
Reid: I know you do.
Cathy: Enjoys you, but sometimes when you squish my face, it doesn’t feel really hot for me. Can we try something else?
Reid: Okay.
Cathy: Is that okay?
Reid: Sure, what should we try?
Cathy: Why don’t you try doing that someplace else?
Reid: Okay.
Cathy: Or you can ask for like, “Could you try stroking my face gently instead of mushy?”
Reid: Sure.
Cathy: That’s sweet. Thank you.
Reid: You’re welcome.
Cathy: I like that. My body’s really enjoying then somewhat turned on.
Reid: Break that like what are you doing, break that down for them.
Cathy: I’m doing an appreciation sandwich. It’s not … Can I show them how badly they do it?
Reid: Yes. An appreciation sandwich is a tool and a term that I got from Leon Silver, who is a great sex educator. That’s why I heard it first, so I just want to tribute appreciation sandwich.
Cathy: I think it’s been footing around for a while.
Reid: I got it from her.
Cathy: A bad way to do that, you want to be …
Reid: A bad way?
Cathy: Let me show them a bad way. Do you want to …
Reid: You want me to do it again?
Cathy: Yeah. Stop it what are you doing? Stop! Don’t do that.
Reid: That was scary. If that’s all you can muster in the moment, better to speak up than not, than be silent.
Cathy: I actually like to have a safe word. I’m not really kinky, but I like to have a safe word that lets my partner know.
Reid: What’s a safe word, Cathy?
Cathy: A safe word is a word I can say that would get my partner’s attention, and let him or her know that I need attention, and that I need them to stop what they’re doing. I actually have two safe words usually, I have one that means, “Let’s slow this down a little bit.” Like we don’t have to break the flow, but more gentle more easy or whatever. Then I have a safe word that means, “Okay, we need to stop right now.”
Reid: Just halt.
Cathy: Halt. For a lot of people that’s a safe a word or red is used often, it means, “Just stop.” If you’re not able to get out the words and it’s like, it’s not just like annoying, it’s actually hurting or causing you distress, you want to use a safe word or you can even teach your partner, I’ll have an abuse history, so there have been times when I’ve been triggered and I can’t get words out. I’ve talked them just like a typical martial arts like tap out they means we need to stop. Or you can actually pinch them to, like you’re moving around there’s a lot happening.
Reid: You don’t pinch them on the nipples if that’s the thing they’re into, because it might just be a miscommunication.
Cathy: Going back to the beginning, what I was doing with the appreciation sandwich was I was letting him know something good like, “I like your touching, generally you’re turning me on.” Then I share the thing that I want to change. Like, “Hey, that particular touch and that particular location isn’t feeling great.” Then it was nice you ask for what else, but you can say, “Why are you sharing like in a positive way? Like I’m really enjoying this [inaudible 00:04:37] with you.” Or you can, you said suggest, “Could we try something? This different thing.”
Reid: Understand that when some people when they’re really aroused, and this might be the case for you, or for somebody you’re playing with, full sentences. Some people when they get highly turned on, or kind of pre-verbal, or their [inaudible 00:04:54] so oxytocin out on all of the feel good stuff. It is hard for them to have a conversation, which is why safe words or green, meaning, go or good. Yellow, meaning slow down, red meaning stop. Using words that don’t have to be complete sentences can be really useful. The only reason I’m saying that is for some of you the appreciation sandwich won’t be something you or your partners will be able to do when you’re really in it, and super aroused. And being able to use it for anything, even if it’s just like, “Hey, honey. I really loved that you’re helping me with the dishes, could we use the scrubby side of the sponge on the pots and pans? Thank you so much for doing that, I really appreciate your support, and us doing the chores together.” You can use the appreciation sandwich for other things. I have to cough, excuse me.
Cathy: There’s also nothing wrong with, I’ve been turned down enough and the activity wasn’t honor us enough that I didn’t actually think to say anything in the moment. If the sooner I can say something afterwards, or when we get space, like we’re not [inaudible 00:06:07] out but because the more … It’s like leave it to fluster, say Reid was doing that Molly thing.
Reid: Molly is Cathy’s cat. Do you use the appreciation sandwich on your cat?
Cathy: Sometimes, she doesn’t care. She feels appreciated than she shouldn’t.
Reid: She respects enough so you…
Cathy: No, she doesn’t. If you can afterwards, say like, “Hey, you know I like to talk to you about something.” You can use a difficult conversation formula, or the appreciation sandwich. Like, “Last night was so amazing, like it was really hot. You did it really great, that was a fun time, and I’m wondering if you’d be open to a feedback on one small part, so I can really give myself to what we’re doing.”
Reid: Another thing that can be really useful in relationships is build in that is normal, for you also review the sex that you had at some point. Like what did you like? What didn’t you like? Or what was good for you and what can we tweak? When you build that as common [inaudible 00:07:10] in your erotic life, then if it gives you an opportunity to open up a conversation or to have your partner open up a conversation where you can use your words later when you have them and talk about so it doesn’t fester, because festering is usually never good for sex.
Cathy: No, it just builds up in the most … Any time you have something that’s not set, it’s a little bit of a wall, it’s brick in a wall between the two of you. It makes him, “Oh, it’s that’s just a small little thing, but they build up overtime and then that can really stifle your intimacy and your attraction.”
Reid: It’s a good visual. Now you’re a brick in a wall.
Cathy: Can you give them an example?
Reid: No. That’s a long video.
Cathy: I know, but it’s …
Reid: Maybe we should shoot another one. Go back to the next video, it’s going to be awesome. Leave your comments.
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