What are the Needs and Wants in a Relationship?

Cathy: So, what do you need from your partner – an hourly, daily, weekly, monthly, yearly basis? This is Reid Mihalko from http://reidaboutsex.com/com.

Reid: Cathy Vartuli from https://theintimacydojo.com/

Cathy: And Reid was teaching at a http://sex10x.kajabi.com/sp/38725-improve-your-sexual-prowess-ten-fold about how to talk about your needs and how each of each people out of each person in a relationship could write down what they’d like what their needs are from their partner and different spacing’s and then talk to each other about it like the partner can go sure that’s no problem never going to happen. I can do this sometimes and just rather than having expectations and resentments because “hey you didn’t do that thing” you actually talked about what it is that you both want and then figure out what’s a good match and what isn’t and what should she get what need you can get met elsewhere? Can you talk a little bit more about it?

Reid: Yeah, I mean there’s a lot so the… the sex10x deep dive is a sexuality weekend where we’re doing people get to watch show and tell sex ed. you get to watch and get your questions answered while we do live demos which is not something that a lot of people know where to find show and tell sex ed.

Cathy: Yeah, it was really powerful.

Reid: And you know when you’re showing people and telling people and answering questions around sexuality, the umbrella or the basket that sexuality is in is really inside of relationships even if it’s a casual anonymous hook up but there’s relationships where your ability to know what your needs and desires are and communicate them like that’s kind of the basket that holds all the stuff together. So even when we’re talking about like here’s how to have better oral sex or use your hands to create pleasure were these are better positions for certain kinds of sex the communication piece and the self-awareness piece around needs is so important and this is where from a relationship perspective your ability to figure out what your needs are period – are really useful in relationships and being able to communicate them. So, whether it’s sex or just intimacy or cohabitating together or child-rearing

Cathy: Yeah I need you to tell, me text me when they’re going to be more than 10 minutes late for dinner.

Reid: Or picking Bobby up from soccer like

Cathy: Yeah.

Reid: Like this is… these are the communication tools and the self-awareness tools and the exercises to figure out what you need that we do in the high-performance relationship mastery weekend because this is how you get your relationships to perform at a higher level. This is how you figure out what you need so you can ask for it

Cathy: Right.

Reid: so your partner’s can win with you.

Cathy: Yeah.

Reid: And and that doesn’t just have to be sex like we’re the deep dive it was about was focusing on sex but I snuck in a little over the needs and the communication.

Cathy: Well I think there’s so much shame often about needs and then there’s an expectation that if my partner really love me he or she would guess and know what this is and just writing down genuinely what our needs are for different time periods like I need a hug every day, I need you know I need you to tell me you love me when we go to bed or whatever it is you write them down at least our partners aware and they may be like you know that just does not fit who I am I am so sorry I do love you but I don’t want to say that every day and we’ve had people write in about stuff like that. Okay, well maybe it’s not their love language and we can understand what their love language is it is and understand that they are loving you in other ways or you can like okay I’m going to call my best friend and say good night to them or how else can you get those needs met.

Reid: Yeah um when you really start getting out on relationships and how so many of us inherited horrible relationship role modelling from our families then like if.. if no one ever showed you how to do it differently

Cathy: Yeah.

Reid: and better, how are you supposed to wake up one morning and just know if the analogy that I talked about is a lot of us were taught how to drive by getting in the car, putting the key and checking the mirrors, putting our seatbelt on and then pulling this lever by our side and no one ever told us that that was the parking brake and that we in relationships were taught to pull the parking brake on and then there’s all this extra effort in trouble and friction and the smell of burning rubber brake pads in our car but we just thought that was normal. So, when you can kind of recalibrate and point out the mistakes that we’ve inherited take the parking brake off.

Cathy: Yeah

Reid: Your relationship leaps forward in this way with more ease higher performance better gas mileage less smell of burning rubber.

Cathy: Yeah.

Reid: And then that’s.. that’s I mean that’s what the whole high-performance weekend is going to be about. It’s nerding out on these principles having exercises is where you get to write down you know what your needs are what you think what is something you think you need every day.

Cathy: Right and it might be really useful to write down needs versus wants. Need is something like if I don’t get this, I it’s.. it’s hurting me or damaging the relationship. Want is if I got this it would be great but if I don’t get it it’ll be okay.

Reid: Yeah, and you start really parsing those things out and.. and then you really want to nerd out you look at the other things that might be influencing it like your rocky and feeling insecure so you need your partner to say that you love them, that they love you.

Cathy: Or is going particularly badly right now and so you want you need more emotional support.

Reid: Or your life works better when you have more than six hours of sleep every day okay and then all of a sudden when you do that because this is also a little bit of high performance stuff in your life when you’re better rested, you’re less insecure in your love relationship. But you would never have thought to look in the sleep category as a means of improving your marriage

Cathy: Right

Reid: and it’s like some of this stuff is there’s some basic things that are so inter woven that and of course your mom and dad or the adults around you growing up would never have pointed that out because we are still the beginnings of being the generation or generations

Cathy: The conscious relationships

Reid: Where conscious relationships and more choice and then self-help now exists in relationships. You know my mom and dad at the age that they were at they were really the first generation where it was starting to be okay to go see a relationship therapist

Cathy: Yeah

Reid: to go to a marriage workshop. Now we’re in it

Cathy: Yeah

Reid: We’re

Cathy: Now it’s okay but like yeah I remember my parents when they were very shame they don’t tell anyone.

Reid: Yeah, but we still grew up in those family dynamics where that wasn’t okay. So maybe our ..our kids or our grandkids will really start to get the momentum of all of our hard work

Cathy: Yeah

Reid: because they grew up in the families where we’re starting to role model it’s okay to ask for your needs and you wants to your (inaudible).

Cathy: If they want to find out more about your three-day weekend program, where will they go?

Reid: Yeah, http://wa-com.com/highperformancerelationshipmastery.com. Thanks Cathy.

Cathy: Yeah. Hope to see you there.

Reid: Leave comments. What do you think?