What Are the Things that are Holding You Back from Sex?

Cathy: So we really did this great exercise at http://sex10x.kajabi.com/sp/38725-improve-your-sexual-prowess-ten-fold and I thought it would really be fun to share here.

Reid: Okay, chance is I don’t remember it was.

Cathy: I know and I’ll tell you

Reid: Okay

Cathy: And then you will explain it.

Reid: Cathy did take good notes when I teach things.

Cathy: Well, you teach good stuff. This is Reid Mihalko from http://reidaboutsex.com/

Reid: Cathy Vartuli from https://theintimacydojo.com/

Cathy: So you had this to your writing exercise you said that if I had a breakthrough in blank whatever it is what’s holding you back I would probably have better sex.

Reid: That’s a great choice

Cathy: So you want some more about it to be remember that now?

Reid: No. Is that on our first day or the last day?

Cathy: The second day.

Reid: Second day. Okay

Cathy: Yeah, which was the last day?

Reid: Which was the last day, got it.

Cathy: So, no it was just like you let people choose what it was and for me it was courage or confidence for me it was confidence then I would have better sex and then we wrote why and you had something to share it and I thought that was really powerful so I’m curious if you’re listening if you if you had a breakthrough around blank whatever hold you back from good sex what would sex what would your sex life be like, how would you how would it how would your sex be better . Because I think we all have blanks we have like I tend to be shy I tend to hold back and if I was feeling confident then I would be much more engage and direct about what I wanted not apologizing for my needs and wants. Which I think would be more fun for everybody.

Reid: That would be
Cathy: Yeah, so I’m curious like what are your like if people want to share like in the comments below what is your thinking that hold you back and how would your sex life be better if you had a breakthrough problem?

Reid: Another thing to notice is often sex is.. is a microcosm of all relationship dynamics and this and I believe this goes for anonymous sex as well and long term relationships around sex where you know if you identify that thing that’s holding you back where is that thing holding you back in other areas of your life.

Cathy: Yeah, at work and with friendships.

Reid: Yeah even if even if it’s just intimacy in your relationship right? Because relationships aren’t just about sex. But because people are willing to take a workshop to get better at sex we can you know be clever and sneak in the relationship stuff because you’re relating and to have identified those things that hold you back which may also be holding you back in work and in whatever. Those pieces when you work on them whether you work on them in sex or in other areas like they’re huge I think they just kind of filter through or trickle down into the into all of your life.

Cathy: Yeah and I think it’s really powerful to make it conscious and be aware of how much of an impact it would have writing out how your sex life would be different it gives you an impetus like wow this is this would this would really help me and then what a lot of times we have trouble thinking of solutions for ourselves for big things we have and one thing I like to do with my clients is I say if they have a daughter or a nephew or a niece or a best friend somebody’s a little younger than usually brings out that kind of problem solving thing. What would you tell them if your niece came to you and said hey I’m having a problem with confidence around intimacy what can I do? And then often we often come up with some solutions or at least directions and we can start going like I could take a class, I could talk to a therapist, I could read a book, I could watch some YouTube videos on having more confidence. It’s about that we always know the answer we at least have an ideas where we can go versus what it’s an internal problem we tend to feel that at least I do often that frozen like oh my God! This is a problem I don’t know how to move forward but if I put it for someone else like hey this person I love that I want to help oh okay well let’s go watch some YouTube videos together at least get an idea, there’s some good books out there the Amazon like five thousand people said this is a good book and let’s read it. Just a kind of break the the freeze response we also know.

Reid: Yeah there’s an audio you know, you find a good book this is also just useful if you’re adult learning style like if you listen to a lot of podcasts or talk radio then finding those relationship books that can really be useful and then getting them on audiobook that can help because then that’s the thing you’re listening to when you’re driving in the car a lot of online programs have audio versions of the videos so that you can listen and podcast versions where I go deeper into things so that you can listen and get information in your brain so you can start thinking about it you start marinating in it. Not everything has to be you know a sixteen hour cram session for your relationships and some people learn well in seminars like going away somewhere away from the having to take the kids to soccer practice and taking a weekend retreat or seminar where you’re learning stuff and doing exercises and then taking a break and having dinner and letting it sit in your head for other people like those weekends are the beginning of changing your life.

Cathy: Yeah

Reid: Those retreats so as you start to figure out those things that are holding you back, the next step is leveraging your adult your adult learning style with the experience that’s going to start letting all that stuff percolate and let you start to make progress without throwing you completely into overwhelming shutdown, right? Because you don’t have to you know on the sex the next weekend we joked about you know baby steps like don’t try to get the butt plug the entire butt plug in on the first shot right like go slow and ease into things and then when you start nerding out on like confidence and if that was your focus and you’re you know reaching out for all these different resources and ways of learning where you get to in a year of constantly exposing yourself to confidence stuff might be dramatically different than if you never tackle confidence.

Cathy: Yeah and ten years later you’re looking back and going

Reid: What’s wrong with me I’m broken because you didn’t even identify that it was the confidence piece was your biggest

Cathy: And one of the things I’ve done is because I have confidence and self-care or self-respect or something I want to work on, I’ve created a game where people can improve their self-love and its fun way to walk through and have daily exercises that are playful so if you’re interested go to https://theintimacydojo.com/ forward slash self-love-game and if they want to go in to your… your three-day

Reid: Yeah the three-day retreat which is coming up in a couple of months is http://wa-com.com/highperformancerelationshipmastery.com

Cathy: Yeah

Reid: Or you can get your performance so your relationship super fun.

Cathy: Yeah

Reid: That’s great and then checks out on Cathy’s game it’s worth it.

Cathy: Thanks everyone.