Is lack of desire plaguing you? What can you do?
Find out with Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com and Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com.
Cathy: What do you do if your desire level is really low and you’re in a relationship or several?
Reid: I’m Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com.
Cathy: I’m Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com.
Reid: What do you do?
Cathy: It’s usually talk about different conversation formula. I think it’s a lot better to talk about it. It’s usually pretty apparent.
Reid: We live in a time now we’re pretending that things aren’t happening. It’s not the smartest thing to do anymore. This is not 1910 or 1810 and starting to practice finding your words and building a relationship or relationships where you can talk openly about what you’re going through, it’s really useful and sometimes, depending on your situation, you should also have a committed listener, a professional listener on the side, so that your partners or your friends or your families don’t have to try to play therapists because they can get overwhelmed, especially if they weren’t raised in families where people talked about all this stuff.
Cathy: If your desire is lower than normal, always go to a doctor and check it out. It could be a sign of something else. If you’ve got an all-clear healthwise, it may take some time for it to come back and putting pressure on yourself or pretending is not going to help. That can be really hard. I was in a situation when that happened, and it was a special occasion, we’d gotten together just for that and my body just was like, “No.” It just didn’t want to do it. It was hard to say it. I’d love to help us normalize it for people, show them how a conversation might go with that.
Reid: Sure.
Cathy: What role would you like?
Reid: I will be the person who’s not having the desire issue.
Cathy Okay. Okay. Hi, honey.
Reid: Hey, honey. What’s up?
Cathy: There’s something I need to talk to you about.
Reid: Okay.
Cathy: Is this a good time?
Reid: I think so.
Cathy: All right. So I’m a little afraid of the conversation. I’m afraid that if I tell you you’ll think it’s about you or that there’s something wrong with our relationship. I think you might feel hurt or let down. You might be mad at me.
Reid: Okay.
Cathy: What I’d really like to have happen is for you to understand that I’m going through some stuff. I still really care about us.
Reid: This is Reid Mihalko difficult conversation formula thing, isn’t it?
Cathy: It is.
Reid: I love when you use this.
Cathy: Oh my God you’re so funny
Reid: That’s why you love me!
Cathy: We’re going to have a difficult conversation about this later.
Reid: What do you want to have happen?
Cathy: I’d like you to know that there’s nothing wrong with our relationship, what we’re doing, and that you’re great and that I’d love for you to be patient with me. Keep showing up. What I’ve noticed is my desire has been really low lately.
Reid: Desire for what?
Cathy: My sexual desire.
Reid: Oh, okay.
Cathy: It has been really low lately, not just you but even when I’m masturbating.
Reid: Other people?
Cathy: Yes, with other people and when I’m masturbating. I’m not quite sure what’s going on. I’m going to go and see a doctor to make sure that things are okay. I just want you to understand that if I’m not responsive it’s not about you. I’d really love it if you were supportive about it.
Reid: How can I support you? Do you want me to come to the doctor’s with you?
Cathy: Oh that’s very sweet. Thank you.
Reid: You’re welcome. Any other things that pop up? Thank you so much for telling me.
Cathy: I think that when I went through, when I had a little period like that, I still liked physical touch. I would still like to cuddle and snuggle and be close, but I’m not feeling like I want to have sex right now. You can share whatever is true for you, or could we gently try and see what happens without any expectations or pressure, whatever feels like it would be useful to you. Ask for that at that time.
Reid: Cool.
Cathy: Then you can say, do you have anything you want to share?
Reid: I trust you to use your words and let me know what’s going on. Should I just not make sexual advances to you until you run some special candle, or there’s white smoke coming out of the chimney, or something?
Cathy: I think for the hypothetical me, I would still like to know that you find me desirable so I would like you to let me know that, that you’re open to having sex, but being really without pressure and with clarity that it might be about.
Reid: Okay. Cool. What do you think? Leave some comments below. What would you do? How would you handle it? How would you like somebody to come to you and share with you when they’re feeling like their desire’s taking a vacation?
Cathy: Thanks very much. I appreciate you showing up and I’d love to know what you think.
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