During my co-ed intimacy workshops in San Jose, I’ve watched hundreds of men approach women, and noticed what worked and what ended up in rejection.

I keep seeing well-meaning men experiencing women avoiding them and outright rejecting them. They feel like they keep missing opportunities. And they can’t figure out why.

Sound familiar?

What if the way you’re approaching women is impacting how they feel about connecting with you?

Things like tone and pacing of how a man asks a woman he’s just met for physical contact strongly influences what she thinks of him and how open and safe she feels with him.

It can be challenging to know what you want to ask for… And even more challenging to come up with the courage to ask. Society puts a lot of pressure on men to be the asker, so it may seem like this is all landing on your shoulders.  

After seeing other men connecting successfully with the same women, moments after they tried, they come to me, confused and distressed. They had missed out on opportunities they really wanted. These were smart men who wanted to connect.

Their confusion, over time, often turned into resentment.

As someone who’s struggled with rejection to the point of throwing up my hands and wanting to give up, I understand how lonely and lost this feels. I understand where the resentment comes from.

As their workshop leader, they turned to me for advice. And while I could see what was happening, I realized that telling men, “Just change your approach,” wasn’t giving them enough information.

For me, as a Ph.D. research engineer, I appreciate when people can point out specific things for me to try.

While the answer, “Google Fucking Exists,” is an option, it doesn’t often help us in the middle of a workshop (or a crisis). I’ve Googled! It doesn’t always help!

Complex answers deserve and require more than a sound bite.

Human beings, without new ideas, usually end up doing a slightly different version of the same thing, getting the same results. No one benefits!

I’ve run a lot of events, and talked to 1000’s of people, thinking about how I could give guidance, and one day it just popped in my head, The 7 Ingredients. These ingredients are considerations I’m inviting you to take into account before making a request or approaching a woman.

I believe The 7 Ingredients can help others experience your invitations and requests in more delicious ways, which is why I like using the visual of a sandwich when talking about these considerations. And who doesn’t like a delicious sandwich tailor-made for them!?

While I’m writing this article specifically for men, I think these concepts are useful to think about for all of us.

I hope my attempts to make this fun and memorable land well on you and make you hungry for more. Bon Appetit!

Cathy

P.S. Three things to remember:

  1. Just like learning anything new, these steps can feel awkward the first few times through. Don’t give up! This kind of learning gets easier the longer you stick with it, and can become second nature. If you compare it to how you felt when you were learning to drive… It might have seemed like too many steps and too much to remember. Yet a month or two later, you were zooming down the road!
  2. You don’t have to do this perfectly… And it can give you access to new approaches and better connection.
  3. Hint: The 7 Ingredients can help at work, with family, and in all kinds of other situations too!

The 7 Ingredients to Avoiding Missed Opportunities

When you want to ask or request something, especially sexual connection, consider the following:

Ingredient 1: Pause – Get present in your body and out of your head. One way to do this is to take a few deep slow breaths and notice how your toes feel. You can see a video of this process with some tips here.

1) When men are nervous about making a request, most of the time they get in their head and try to think their way through it and around potential problems, which can make them even more nervous. The women they are approaching can sense that, and it can make the women feel anxious.

Like any person, women are finely tuned to certain danger signals. It can help to realize that their danger signals may look different than yours or what you’d expect them to have. Try to imagine that you’re surrounded by people who were bigger and stronger than you… And who might want sex from you that you weren’t sure you wanted to have. You might be really careful too. If you were approached by a bigger and stronger someone who seemed anxious, not very mindful or nervous, it might feel too dangerous for you to explore whether they were really safe or not.

Anxious people are also less likely to listen to you with curiosity. The more grounded you are, the more grounded the other person is likely to be! And the more room they have to consider with curiosity whatever you’re proposing.

2) Do you know if what you’re asking for is something you authentically want, or if you’re just going along with the crowd? Being authentic and aware of what you want can be attractive. Being authentic will not guarantee any particular outcome.

Ask yourself: “Am I expecting a woman to meet my needs and to make me feel good?” If you are, you might be creating an invisible wall between you and women. It’s important to remember that you’re not guaranteed an outcome because expectations are not attractive. Women all too often experience men expecting them to fill the men’s needs whether the woman wants to or not.

In terms of authenticity, we teach something called Body Yes/No. It’s a way to tune into yourself and figure out what you really want to experience. All too often we want what we think we should have… Rather than noticing what is real and alive for us in the moment. While you’re Paused, we recommend checking in and seeing what’s a yes and no for you in your body. Body Yes/No is worth learning. Without this skill, it’s easy to get caught up in social pressures of what society tells you to want rather than what you want. You can find out more here.

3) You can also ask yourself: “Am I willing to hear no? Can I hear no without demanding a reason, pressuring, or guilt-tripping someone?”

This is very important because women are often trying to sense if the man approaching them will listen to their boundaries. If they aren’t certain, they will often avoid or find an excuse to move away. It doesn’t feel safe to many women since they’ve all too often had experiences with men taking advantage or pushing boundaries.

While you may never do something like that, the women don’t know who to trust… How can they be assured if you’re safe or not? It’s hard to know since even people with bad intentions will often assure women that they’re trustworthy. The experience many women have has taught them that they risk physical or emotional injury if they decide wrong.

You could be doing everything right, and women may still not trust you because their experiences may have taught them not to trust anyone. It may not be about you at all.

On the other hand, if you aren’t showing the women you approach how well you can handle hearing their “no,” other women around may be watching out of the corner of their eye. They may have decided to be a “no” to you based on how you treat other women long before you approach them. Your reputation could be proceeding you!

You can help by modeling how well you can hear a “no” and showing others you’re a safe person who will respect boundaries. (For ways to do this gracefully, check out this article.)

Even more tricky, some women have trouble saying the word, “no.” They’ve had experience with men getting angry or violent if they reject them. You can help in two ways… 1) Thank them genuinely if they say no. They are trusting that you are safe enough to be honest with. 2) If they don’t say no, but they hesitate or avoid answering, don’t push. Kindness and understanding can go a long way to helping women heal.

I like the phrase “I’m not hearing a clear yes, so I’ll take that as a no.” Any woman who is a yes will correct you and won’t miss that you’ve just modeled respecting their boundaries, you’ve modeled that you’re probably safer than other men who wouldn’t have said that.

If you don’t think you would be able to hear no and be respectful, talk to a friend or coach/therapist and figure out why. Work on getting your needs filled in other ways so you have more room to hear “no”. Cuddle Parties are a great to practice hearing and sharing boundaries. What your aiming for is to find ways not to put the emotional burden on the person who is saying no. Being able to hear no and respond in a way that leaves everyone comfortable will help people feel A LOT safer around you!

4) A black belt move is to notice where your identity and center of balance emotionally is. If you need them to approve of you or say yes for you to feel good about yourself, people sense this and few will want that responsibility. The more you support your own self-worth, internally and with friends, work, and other focuses, the more you’ll be centered over your own center of gravity, and the easier it is for people to listen to you without feeling manipulated, or worrying that you’ll cling and obligate them. Confidence is not about aggression. A playful attitude and calm certainty with what you have to offer will often win against an aggressive or loud man ignoring the needs of others and taking up a lot of space.

Ingredient 2 – Power Dynamics – Are there differences in power between you and the person you’re considering approaching?

When was the last time you got catcalled walking past a construction site? Or hesitated about going for a walk at dusk because you might not be home before dark? Might it be harder for them to say no to you than it is for you to say no to them? If so, what actions can you take that might give the other person more freedom to say yes or no?

A lot of people haven’t looked at how many obstacles they don’t have to overcome. How could they?

It’s hard to notice something you don’t have to deal with. Those same invisible obstacles can make it harder for folks with less power to answer your requests and invitations honestly.

Power is the ability to influence or outright control the behavior of people. Power comes in many shapes and forms, e.g. physical, social, and economic. Even if you’re not trying to control someone, the power dynamics may be present. It’s not your fault that they’re there… And you can’t actually remove them. You can be aware and use your awareness to help others feel safer. – Stack Exchange

[Black Belt Concept: People who don’t have to deal with those obstacles are often called the Dominant Culture or Default Culture. If I told you a story, it’s likely it would have people from the default culture and less likely it would have other kinds of people.]

Most men are familiar with power dynamics from business meetings where people are jockeying for who will control the outcome. Have you ever been the person with less power in a meeting? How did it feel to have less power? How power affects choice is actually a pretty complex idea that can be challenging to get ahold of. Seeing how power affects choice becomes more difficult the more power you have.

Power is often invisible to those who have it… If you hear people talking about privilege, they’re discussing a form of power that’s especially invisible to those who have it.

I have single men tell me frequently at my workshops, “Women have all the power.” And it may feel true to those making requests because women seem to have the say in whether something advances or not. However, the power dynamics present may make the women feel like they can’t say yes or no freely, which means it wouldn’t really be consent.

Ask yourself: “Who feels less powerful in this situation? What if we both feel less powerful?” These are great questions, and sometimes tricky to answer.

This is not just about consent or being able to greenlight an interaction. There are many ways in which women may feel less powerful, leaving them scared to say no or risk saying things that might make other people angry (especially men). Many women have been sexually assaulted, some have been shamed around their sexuality. Women have been largely conditioned to be people pleasers, to smile and be agreeable, no matter what they want. In order to have authentic interactions, it’s important to understand these challenges and help create the space for women to answer authentically.

Remember, just because you think women have all the power, doesn’t mean they feel powerful.

This isn’t an argument about who is right.

This is about finding an approach that helps everyone feel safer and more able to decide for themselves what’s right for them. Ultimately that’s going to mean happier interactions, finding people who actually want sex, and having better sex when both people want sex.

Consider that women are often put in positions where they are forced to do things they don’t want, make choices to protect themselves, and struggle to be taken seriously. Being gentle in your requests and realizing how complicated this might be for the other person can help a lot!

If you are bigger, stronger or have more power in the outside world, realize you may be intimidating to the other person. If they were taught to fear men or learned that men are not safe, then you might be intimidating to them for no other reason than you are a man. That’s not your fault, and it’s coloring the situation.

The word power can mean different things to different people. Hence, it can be tricky to talk about. If you think you’re on the same page about power and you’re not, automatically there’s a miscommunication. Remember, it is possible for both people to feel like they don’t have power.

While you have likely never forced a women and would never consider it, it’s important to acknowledge that 1 in 3 women will experience rape, physical violence and/or stalking by an intimate partner in their lifetime. They don’t know if you’re safe or not.

Let me ask you a hypothetical question… If someone told you about this great vacation they would take you on, but you would have a 33% chance of being physically violated and raped. And there would be no hero moment, just a lot of shame and judgment about what you did to get yourself hurt. Would you take it? Unfortunately, women can’t opt out of this “trip”. It’s their life experience.

The more you understand consent, the more you understand how tricky it can be. Unintended consent volitions can still land on the other person as assault, rape, or trauma. Unintended consequences might happen despite best intentions.

It’s important to mention many rapists and those who commit sexual assault don’t do so maliciously. They simply don’t understand what they’re doing is non-consensual. That the woman might be frozen in fear or she is allowed to change her mind.

This is why the stakes are so high. If it’s true that we’ll all make mistakes at some point, then we will all cause harm.

One way to become safer is to work on learning “what you don’t know” around consent. The reason I say “what you don’t know” is because you likely were never taught these things and society doesn’t provide easy answers around this.

If you wonder why you never used to have to worry about this before… In the past, women didn’t feel safe speaking up and dealt with the trauma and pain of violations silently. The best way forward is NOT silencing them again or taking away anyone’s voice. It’s learning the skills your father and his generation may never have known so everyone can interact in a safer, more empowered way.

Luckily, there are a lot of things you can do to help people with less power feel safe! Some of these actions can feel counter-intuitive. For example, have you ever noticed that friend of yours who is always blocking the exit or trying to herd people into a corner when talking to them to try to keep their attention? Even if it’s subconscious, they may be making other people feel trapped. You can do the opposite to help women feel safer and more open to connection.

  • Be aware of personal distance, so you’re not looming or crowding,
  • Don’t pin people in corners and make sure that they have a clear exit,
  • Get on their eye-level,
  • Soften your tone and volume (tough to do in bars when the music is loud, fyi),
  • Adjust your language — this includes body language (I’m Italian and I can get “loud” with my hands and arm movements).
  • Use questions instead of statements to make your conversation more gentle.

When you can show the other person that you understand what might be making them feel unsafe and adjust your behavior, they generally feel safer. Since so many women rarely experience men “seeing them” in these ways, this can have a huge positive impact. There’s no guarantee that people will feel safe, but you’re moving in the right direction!

To be frank, it can be hard to notice differences in power, especially when you’re trying to treat everyone as equals. Here is a quick checklist you can run through:

  • Is this person a woman?
  • Is this person a person of color?
  • Is this someone who has relationships that aren’t approved of by parts of society (like people who aren’t heterosexual)?
  • Do they have genders other than what they were assigned at birth?
  • Are they older or quite young?
  • Do they have bigger bodies?
  • Are they a person with a disability?

If the answer to any of these is Yes, these people are often used to feeling less powerful/having less power than heterosexual males. Treat people with compassion, empathy, and respect WHILE adjusting your tone, body language and words to create safety for those who don’t often experience people (with more power) seeing them.

Showing yourself as an aware and savvy person around power dynamics is unusual and delightful. It’s not what most women experience.

People who think that power dynamics don’t play a role in human interactions have likely always had the power. It’s easy to think we’re all equal when you’re on top. It’s easy not to notice people adapting to you when society has modeled that the way you do things is the way it should be.

Maybe a lion doesn’t notice how on guard the zebras are. (Side Note: Men are used to walking straight ahead in public places. Women are socialized to not get in people’s ways. When women switch things up and walk straight ahead, men are often shocked and surprised at their “rudeness.”)

Understanding other people’s perspectives is sexy!!

Ingredient 3: Place – Is this the right place and time for this conversation or request? What is the situation, sobriety, surroundings? Who’s there?

When we’ve gathered up all our courage to ask something, we often blurt out the request the first opportunity we get, before we lose our courage or the opportunity. Which means we often end up blurting it out at the worst possible moment. (Been there and done that!)

While men are generally encouraged to be sexual and make the first move, it can help to remember that women are not encouraged to be openly sexual or make the first move, and are often judged negatively on their sexuality or outright shamed by their peers. Just because she’s waiting, doesn’t mean she’s waiting for you or even welcomes you making the first move. Women can experience your request very differently than you intend it. There isn’t a simple solution to this. And, you can consider if this is a good place for this kind of request and consider the situation.

Remember, human interaction is not an exact science. In fact, it’s a soft science. People do not behave like robots and women do not like being treated like flowcharts. There absolutely can be a wrong time to ask a certain question. However, knowing when the right time is, is hard to pin down.

Here are some non-exact guidelines:

Situational – Is the situation appropriate for what you want to ask her?

  • Is what you’re about to ask for related to the situation you’re currently in? Asking for sex at the Church picnic or during a business meeting is probably not a good idea.
  • Is she engaged in a deep, focused conversation with someone else?  Probably not the right time. Best not to interrupt.
  • If she just ended a deep, focused conversation, it’s good to give her a minute before you rush in.
  • If you’re observing her to see when a good time to approach is, she might feel stalked. There’s a palpable difference between laser beam tracking her every move, versus casually glancing over on occasion to see if she is in a place to chat.
  • Sometimes the right place is the next time!

Surroundings – Are the surroundings (and the people surrounding her) appropriate for what you want to ask?

  • If she’s at a bar or event where people are connecting, is she looking around and meeting people’s eyes?
  • Is her grandmother with her? Do not proposition her!

Sobriety – Is everyone sober enough for what you want to ask?

  • Does she seem impaired by alcohol, drugs or strong emotions? Does she seem coherent and able to make informed decisions? Intoxication and emotional overwhelm can compromise the ability to consent. Since you want your interactions to be consensual, avoiding hitting on anyone who can’t give consent. If you don’t want others to regret interacting with you, consider this point seriously.
  • If you’re drunk, overwhelmed or exhausted, it might not be the best time to engage at new levels with people you’re just meeting.
  • If someone has been drinking, asking them if they want to grab a pizza and talk is very different than asking them if they want to go to bed with you.

If in doubt, take a deep breath and feel your toes again and get present in your body so you are calm and grounded and you can make better judgment calls.

Ingredient 4: Pace – Is this a good pace for the connection and situation? Does it seem like a good speed for the other person? Are you moving too fast for the level of connection you’ve built?

This can be challenging to know since some women are interested in moving at different speeds at different times. A good rule of thumb is to assume she wants to move slower than you do. Slower is almost always better.

For The Geekily Inclined: Think of this as a math a problem. Billy and Sara are on a train traveling 70 miles an hour. Billy and Sara are walking at 5 miles an hour along the train… So here’s the deal, we can be at a play party, and it all feels like we’re traveling at 75 miles per hour. That doesn’t mean Sara’s ready for a 75 miles per hour question. She may only be interested in a 5 miles per hour question since that’s her relative speed…

When in doubt slow down and figure out ways to set the pace together (and go at a slower pace).

Honestly, pacing is the biggest mistake I see people make over and over again. There are 3 dynamics that I’ve noticed that cause people to speed up in unconscious (often unproductive) ways.

1) Destination Mode,
2) Starvation Mode, and
3) Objectification Mode.

If you want to increase your odds of being rejected, you can always do all three at the same time!

1) Are you in Destination Mode? I see men getting more and more frustrated and angry, feeling unwanted and undesirable because they’re rushing the situation (trying to get the other person to go faster so they can reach some destination (like sex) before the window of opportunity closes). They keep trying to force their way to the outcome they have in mind, which increases their probability of being rejected so they never move forward at all.

Keep in mind that if women are used to being sexual without using a lot of words, they are going to look for your sensitivity to their body language. “Does this man stop when my body language says stop? No? Maybe I don’t want to be alone with him after all.” In a world where people are not encouraged to speak up about sexual things, paying attention to body language is another thing to get good at. I’ll talk about body language in another article.

If you have a picture and a script for what has to happen for you to feel good about yourself, you are in destination mode.

Noticing and letting go of expectations and outcomes can help you just enjoy your experience. This can step you out of Destination Mode. If you have nowhere to get to, and no place you have to be, all kinds of opportunities may arise. I know that sounds counter-intuitive, and I invite you to explore it.

So what happens if you’re in destination mode and keep getting rejected? You can end up in Starvation Mode. You can also end up here if you are having a dry spell (this can happen to anyone).

2) Starvation Mode makes pace even more difficult… if you haven’t had connection in a long time, you may be hungry for it. The hungrier you are, the harder it is to be grounded and consider the Power, Place, and Pace. We want to dive into the deep end and grab everything we can get.

Our friend Sara from the train example is definitely not ready for you to be tackling her at full speed!

Starvation mode doesn’t feel safe! A lot of women compare men in starvation mode to feeling like an antelope surrounded by hungry wolves ready to devour them. Their self-protection walls come up and they aren’t interested in connecting at all because they feel unsafe.

When in Starvation Mode try this: rather than a big ask, make a time-limited, small commitment request to help build connection and a sense of safety. At an intimacy workshop, instead of a full body massage, you could offer to rub their feet. It’s much easier for someone we don’t know to say yes to a 10-minute conversation, or a 5-minute shoulder rub, than sex. Rather than asking to sit in a Tantra Yab-Yum position and eye gazing for 20 minutes, try “May I hold your hand and tell you 3 knock-knock jokes?”

Requests for small commitments (short setup time, lower physical intimacy) can invite women to explore and connect without fearing being trapped or needing to do something they aren’t ready for.

Building more relatedness with baby steps/small actions, over time, is usually a better choice.

As a basic request at one of my intimacy workshops, you might explore: “You seem really cool/fun/interesting. I’d like to get to know you better. Is there something you’d like to do together for 5 minutes to get to know one another better and build connection?”

I’ve had men tell me that this slow pace felt wimpy to them. Yet it takes courage, thoughtfulness, and care to develop relationships gradually.  It shows that you have enough resources to take things slowly, and the courage to dance with the other person (the opposite of starvation mode). Sexy!!

3) Objectification Mode is basically treating someone like an object to meet your needs. To test if you are objectifying someone ask: “Am I seeing this person as nothing more than a means to get what I want?”

If you think “all women”, “all fat people”, “all ____ people” about someone, you’re probably objectifying them.

People tend to speed up when objectifying someone. Starving people speed up because they’re hungry, in objectification, they speed up because the thoughts and feelings of the other person don’t matter.

If you’re very focused on a destination, and/or very very hungry, it’s easier to objectify people, even if you don’t mean to. They become objects for you to use to reach your destination, and to consume so you don’t feel so hungry. Starving people trying to get at an all-you-can-eat buffet are more likely to push folks out of the way. Objectification is pushing someone’s humanity out of the way and treating them like they are the buffet.

All they are is a means to an end. And that does not make women feel safe.

If you notice that you’re objectifying someone, stop, go back to the first Pause and ground yourself, then see if you can connect with them as a person with hopes, fears, and desires that are rich and diverse. Be curious about them that way. If you can’t see them as more than an object, get your tanks filled up another way and try again later.

Ingredient 5: Polish – What could I do that would make this situation shine for the other person? How can I lower risks of negative impact, and take the other person into more consideration?

This is the step where you put everything you’ve already considered together, and fine tune it so you can make your invitation knowing you’ve evaluated important issues and looked at them from the other person’s perspective. This will likely leave the other person feeling considered and more curious and engaged.

Do a scan of the following questions to see if there’s anything you can tweak to make your approach and request easier and more delightful to hear. As you do this a few times, it gets easier and easier. Some of these questions touch on ones you already asked. Remember you’re double-checking the different considerations to create a smooth and comfortable interaction.

  • Is there a way I can make this more of a win-win for everyone involved?
  • Am I objectifying the person rather than seeing them as a human with needs and wants of their own?
  • Am I okay with her changing her mind if she says yes?**
  • If I’m feeling insecure, how can I be more grounded and aligned with my values?
  • Do I have FOMO? (Fear of Missing Out)
  • Am I trying to drive this interaction to a particular destination? Am I attached to an outcome?
  • Am I trying to manipulate (control or influence the other person unfairly)?
  • How can I handle rejection (if that were to happen) with grace?
  • Can this person leave easily (physically and socially)?
  • Are you pinning her in a corner or crowding her energetically?
  • Are you providing her a graceful way out of your request?

Adjust your approach accordingly! Polishing takes work and can make your approach much easier to receive.

**All humans are allowed to change their minds. Saying yes is not a lifetime commitment or an obligation. Allowing her to gracefully and easily change her mind lets her feel safer and adapt to what’s going on for her. Go back to your emotional center of balance and get grounded, then thank her for being honest with you!

Note on Dealing with Discomfort: Consider the questions above carefully, so you answer them honestly. You don’t have to tell anyone other than yourself.

Often, even just looking at the answers to these questions can be uncomfortable. We may not always like the answers. They may point out areas we need to grow or make changes.

Discomfort isn’t always a sign there is something wrong. That feeling of uncertainty, unease, embarrassment and upset is part of learning and growing. Discomfort can often lead us to the truth. It can help us grow and be better people. The truth is often hidden in the middle of the tough feelings. Are you willing to stay present with them long enough in order to find the truth?

In my experience, what makes an attractive, engaging person is the ability to look discomfort in the eye and be with the feeling, facing whatever we find there. This is the definition of an adult for me. Most women are looking for men who are willing to be with discomfort rather than being entertained or distracted from it or needing soothing for it.

Remember, humans, are really good at justifying, denying and avoiding what’s real. Courage is being willing to look at what is real and make changes when needed.

When we take care and look at these questions objectively, that creates integrity. The more integrity you have in your approach, the easier it is for the other person to hear you. This can create a shift in the listener from defending and avoiding, to curiosity.

Ingredient 6: Propose – If you Pause and the power dynamics, place, and pace align, making a savvy proposal is just a 2 step process.

1) Get permission.

Ask if you can make a request. It’s a simple as, “May I make a request?” Asking someone for their permission to ask them something may sound silly, but it’s useful because it does two things at once. You asking helps counteract the sense that you’re entitled to their time and attention. It also gives them an opportunity to say no, when they aren’t in the headspace for a request.

  • If they say yes, move on to Step 2!
  • If they say no or hesitate, say “Thank you for taking of yourself,” and move on.

[Blackbelt Concept: Why should you ask to make a request? Understanding that women are often approached and expected to listen, admire and hold space even if they aren’t remotely interested can give some perspective here. Men will often walk up to a complete stranger and tell her she should smile, dress differently, walk differently, or inform her about something she may or may not want to know.

Mansplaining is a term used when a man explains something to a woman in a “look at how much I know and how much I help you” tone, that she either doesn’t want to know or may know more than him. He likely never asked or considered that she might be an expert in the field. I once had a man tell me all about how to do what I have my Ph.D. in. When I told him he was inaccurate and gave him the correct information, he told me that I needed to let men help me because it made them feel good. Nope! Not my job! 

By getting permission to make a request, your signaling that you respect her space, attention and time, and don’t expect her to make room for you unless she’s interested in doing so. Really savvy!]

2) Make the request.

If they say yes, make your request, ideally in the form of a suggestion or invitation. Make any adjustments for Polishing you think appropriate.

Or, if you have questions about making your proposal, instead of making the request, you can:

  • Wait for a better place, pace or polish, (the power dynamic is unlikely to change),
  • Wait for the other person to make a request,
  • Consider alternative ways to deliver your request. Remember passing notes in the 3rd grade? Something like that can lower the pressure on the requestee. They can check yes or no and pass it back. Or they can ignore it if they feel uncomfortable. That’s just another way of safely saying no for them.***
  • Ask a 3rd party to make the request on your behalf, (this can be useful especially if the power dynamic is a big factor, it’s usually easier for someone to say no to a 3rd party who assures them they are safe),
  • Modify the request to something that fits the place, pace or polish better, or
  • Opt out of making the request at this time and place.

***Getting angry about it is likely going to make them feel unsafe again, and no matter how discrete you are about it, it’s likely most women will pick up on your body language. Angry body language often makes women a “No” to being alone with you or sharing intimacy with you. Humans are great at seeing danger out of the corner of their eyes. Women have great non-focal vision and are often practiced observing men with it. On the plus side, if you react really well, they will likely note that also.

Ingredient 7: Pause – After making your request, wait for the answer.

Give them the space to consider your question and to answer yes or no. Don’t loom over them or start doing whatever you proposed. Wait.

If you want to be super classy and help people feel safe with you, if they hesitate, say no, or make excuses, graciously say, “Thank you for letting me share my request! I hope you have a lovely evening.” And then leave them to whatever they were doing before you approached them.

[Black Belt Move: There is a difference between waiting for an answer (and perhaps emotionally pushing for a certain outcome) and creating space for the person to find clarity and their own truth.

If you can, center yourself in your body, take slow deep breaths, feel your toes, and see if you can create a space of curiosity and collaboration where any answer is welcomed and honored. Imagine you are creating an energetic space that allows her the room to discover her own truth and share that with you.

Apply this to yourself: If women don’t experience men waiting patiently, without expectations or agenda, for their answer… and even more rarely does a woman find a man who creates safety, presence, awareness, and gives adequate time for them to drop into their sense of curious discovery… What actions can you take that help them experience this delicious space full of unhurried possibility?

Try to not be attached to an outcome. Make room for their no, their yes… Or for modifications and negotiations – even for brand new ideas. It can be even more delicious if you can be curious and hold space for you and her to discover new aspects of yourselves, your desires, and consider new ways of experiencing her body and life.]

 

There is a belief about sex being scarce that a lot of people hold. It can feel that way if you don’t know how to approach and create a safer space to play in. Learning and practicing the considerations in this process will take you giant steps forward. As you spend time in sex-positive spaces and learn about connection, you naturally build relationships and a sense of community, which improves your chances of sexual connection. Over time, not only do you transform, but your opportunities can be more abundant and available than you dreamed.

Remember this is complex, and not everyone is going to get it perfect 100% of the time, not even you. It’s okay to be awkward sometimes, or get the power dynamics wrong, as long as you’re trying and you clean up any messes as best you can. Each request, each time you do this, you practice becoming more aware and tuned in. Your energy and approach shift, which will land on others as you being more inviting and interesting. All of this can be very sexy!

If you get turned down, remind yourself that there are many other people you can approach and that the more you practice, the more your energy will shift and the easier this will get. It can be hard to remember this at first, especially if you’ve been lonely, haven’t had a lot of connection, and if it took a lot of courage to approach this person.

The cool thing is that courage is just like a muscle, the more you use it the stronger it gets and the easier it becomes.

I’m living proof.

I grew up a shy kid. When I was getting my Ph.D., I would blush, sweat and stammer my way through meeting new people. Over time, as I practiced and took baby steps, I graduated to trembling while giving a presentation at work (in front of 5 people), then to being on stage in front of 700 people getting a standing ovation. If you had told me years ago that I would be running intimacy workshops, I would have thought you were delusional because what you were saying was impossible for me. It’s because I exercised those courage muscles over time that I’ve been able to meet and council so many people about their challenges around intimacy and missed opportunities.

“Courage muscles” exist. You can develop them and perform amazing feats of connecting.

You can become coordinated with creating safe and curious spaces where you and others can play and explore.

You can become the gift at the party, the workshop, and in people’s lives.


The way I remember this process is by using the Avoiding Missed Opportunities Sandwich. You can download that here (link coming soon!)!

I’d like to thank the amazing people who proofread this and made suggestions. These considerations are much stronger and more thoughtful thanks to you. Andy Eye, Reid Mihalko, Victor Salmon, Robin Wilson-Beatty, and others put in considerable time and energy. Thank you for helping say this so much clearer!