Cathy: Hi, everyone. Have you ever wondered… I’m sorry I’m messing this up, I don’t know how to start this.
Reid: You messed up prematurely?
Cathy: I prematurely messed it up.
Reid: Guess what this one is about. Premature ejaculation.
Cathy: We’ve had several people email and asking for help with this, how do you deal with it.
Reid: I’m Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com.
Cathy: Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com
Reid: And we never mess up the beginning of these videos.
Reid: So first off, we’re being silly because we know this is a really charged subject for a lot of people.
Cathy: For both men and women.
Reid: Men and women. So, you know, please don’t mistake our levity and sense of jackass-ery that we don’t think this is important. It’s totally important and at the same time like getting more freaked out and frustrated about it is probably what’s not going to help.
Reid: So at some point as human beings, we all need to start embracing our foibles and that sex is kind of awkward and doesn’t always go well.
Cathy: Our bodies don’t always obey.
Reid: Yeah. So that being said, take a deep breath. There are lots of courses out there online and whatnot that you can take that will help you work through things around premature ejaculation. My basic advice for folks, for men is that a lot of us have grown up practicing self-pleasuring and masturbation.
Cathy: We try to hurry.
Reid: Yeah, we try to hurry because like we’re — you know, maybe you grew up in a family who had a bunch of people and like you only had the bathroom for five minutes, like it was the only alone time you had. Or you know you’re in the middle of doing a bunch of stressful work stuff and you just want to change your body chemistry and so you go and you jack off and this goes for women too. So one thing to look at is if you’re somebody struggling with premature ejaculation, do you actually masturbate like zero to sixty and try to get it done with as quickly as possible? That might be part of what’s happening is you’ve conditioned your body to get excited and to go as fast as it can. One of the things that you can do is practice masturbating —
Reid: — in a whole different way. Like explore your body, pay attention to how your arousal state changes, and like get a little bit more self-awareness like almost like if you were a hang glider. Like you’re trying to soar and like kind of cruise those erotic thermals rather than like a bow and arrow…
Reid: The next thing you can do around exploring issues of premature ejaculation is understand this kind of concept called what I like to call erotic momentum. Like if you’re pleasuring yourself or with a partner and your arousal is kind of like at a 5 and then at a 6 and then you keep going and you say woo, woo, woo, it’s like at a 7 or an 8. You know, like oh my goodness we’re at a 9 and 10 is the wine barrel goes over the side of Niagara Falls and there’s no coming back. If that’s a 10, there’s a big difference between me having sex with somebody and going or masturbating and going 5, 6, 7, 8 ½, 9 versus 5, 6, 7, 8, 9. It’s been my experience personally when I am excited and I go from like 5 to 9 really quickly, it’s hard for me to pull back. Like I have no braking distance. It’s like I’m driving too close to the car in front of me if you know what I mean.
Reid: And then they put on the red lights and I’m like bang. So this idea of like understanding erotic momentum and kind of like your braking distance, getting a sense of what your braking distance is.
Cathy: And you can play with going from 5 to 7 to 5 to 8.
Cathy: Like you just play from going up and down.
Reid: The other things you can explore and think about is the kinds of sexual positions for you. There might be some sexual positions that create less stimulation still feels good. I mean if anybody wants to have sex with me, I’m winning. But the idea of positions that might create less sensation for you that brings you to orgasm. Because there’s lots of other sensations that feel really great that aren’t quite bringing me to ejaculate.
Reid: Fourth thing you can do is wear a condom. If you’re not having condom sex and as I say for a sex geek, I think most people should be using condoms. But if you’re in a situation where you’re having fluid bonded intercourse or oral sex whatever that looks like, try wearing a condom because lessening the sensation can be really, really helpful in delaying your ejaculation. I personally like I love condoms for that reason because I’m very sensitive and I get super excited and then if you’re really excited, I’m really excited and then ah.. So you can try putting on a condom, different kinds of condoms. Thicker condoms might be better for you. I have some friends who will sometimes double bag it and put on two condoms to lessen sensation.
Reid: Do not put on 20 condoms. That is not healthy and it’s a waste of good latex, which you can use later. So you can explore that. Last but not least, I would recommend purchasing a Fleshlight and I’m not paid by that company to sponsor or say anything about them. But basically Fleshlight is a masturbation sleeve that I like a lot because the base is about three or four inches round so when I’m humping it, it’s putting pressure on my pubic mound and around the base of my cock in a way that feels a lot like when you’re fucking somebody. This is really useful because other masturbation sleeves that people use and that I’ve tried, don’t give me that firm grinding sensation on my pubic mound because they’re not like wide enough.
Reid: So that gives me a really good idea or sensation of what actual humping somebody would be and feel like.
Reid: So I actually recommend that sounds silly but like stick your Fleshlight in like the cushions of your couch. Don’t do this if your roommates are going to walk in or your parents or anything. But actually like hump your Fleshlight on the couch because now you’re also using your pelvic floor muscles and your body in a way that simulates sex rather than your hand, which doesn’t simulate sex. So the Fleshlight practicing is really useful for you to practice your braking distance, all these other things about sensation in a way that actually is engaging your body a lot like sex, sex —
Reid: And then the last way to do it is get your partner if you have one or a really good friend to actually let your practice with them going really slow and it’s okay if you come too soon when you’re practicing certainly because how else are you going to get it right.
Cathy: And that’s a good way to put it. If you’re with a partner and he is premature ejaculating, try not – it’s not about shame. You know, it’s happened and I’ve actually been kind of flattered that the sex was so hot that he came right away.
Reid: Sex is hot sometimes.
Reid: It’s hard to like not come sometimes.
Cathy: Yeah. And then kind of framing it like hey, I would have loved to have more time to play with you. Like it would have been fun and making it a game even.
Cathy: Rather than a shame and having to hide.
Reid: Yes. So we’ll end on this. It’s a joke, it’s a very funny story that I heard. A friend of a friend had been away from his partner for several months and then they were like sexting and getting all hot for each other. They get back together, they jump into bed immediately, he sticks his dick in her and comes like in a minute and he jumps off her and yell I won, I won, I won and runs around and takes a victory lap round.
Reid: It’s not a race but sometimes you know don’t be so hard on yourself if people come too soon and try these little things to see if they work and let us know your thoughts because we know this is a very charged subject for a lot of people.
Reid: So we invite your comments.
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