How you view and connect with your body can strongly effect how you express your sexuality (and whether you express it at all). Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com and Ashley Manta from http://AshleyManta.com talk about body image and how you can improve yours to improve your sex life!
Cathy: Hello, we’re talking about body image now and about how we view our body has an amazing impact on positive and negative on how we interact with the world, at work, with friends and family and especially sexually, because sexuality is a body-centered … it’s just who we are.
When we’re in bed, it’s … we’re connecting body to body and if we’re sitting there going, “Did I hold my stomach in right?” “Is he looking at my good side?” or “Is she looking my good side?” “I don’t think my hair is right, what if I have mascara running?” we’re not really present for sex, it can just totally change the energy, and when we’re confident and we’re feeling connected to our body, it’s really hot. I’m Cathy Vartuli from the http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com and I’m here with Ashley Manta from http://www.AshleyManta.com, welcome, Ashley.
Ashley: Hi, Cathy.
Cathy: How have you noticed your body image has changed over the years and how has that affected your sexuality?
Ashley: I have noticed a direct correlation. When my body image is poor, the quality of my sex life is equally poor, because like you said, when I’m worrying about rolls and stretch marks and if I’m too heavy on my partner and weighing them down, I’m too focused on that and not focused on the pleasure of the act itself.
When I’m feeling beautiful in my body, when I’m feeling confident, it comes across as incredibly sexy and I found that to be a huge aphrodisiac for my partners when I’m feeling good.
Cathy: Yes, they can sense that confidence and that … the presence that you have. When you’re focused on your body looking bad, you’re generally not present with the touch you’re feeling in your body, you’re not present with the other person, even. You’re present with your thoughts about what they might be thinking, which is all guess work.
Half of the time people don’t notice stuff. If the sex is good, they’re not noticing anything but sensation. They’re not worried about it, and I’m a bigger woman too. I’m 300 pounds and I know that when I had sex … I have sex, the first time, I’m really nervous about how someone views me.
I found that this works really well for people in general. I have a friend that’s a size two, gorgeous, model-type person, and she worries about the cellulite. She has a little bit of cellulite on her stomach, but I never noticed it. She pointed it out, but she’s … when she’s in bed, she’s worried about that, so all of us have … it doesn’t matter if we’re 300 pounds or 100 pounds soaking wet.
We have these beliefs about our body, so it’s really cool if our partner can reassure us and if we can ask for what we need, that’s really good, but I love it when a partner tells me something they appreciate about me visually, and that gets me out of my head. I had one man I was sleeping with who was like, “I love your beautiful white skin. Look how much there is of it, it’s so amazing.”
Then I was like, it got me out of my head. I was just like, “Let’s enjoy this now,” like I was past any … he told me what he was thinking and it was really positive. Have you noticed that there are certain things that could help you get out of your head and be more confident about your body?
Ashley: One thing that I found really helpful … I’m really self-conscious about my stomach, and so my partner and I took some time, and he would just touch my stomach and he started just putting his hand there and then he would start stroking it and telling me he loved me and that I was beautiful, and that was a game changer, because all of a sudden this thing that I’m so ashamed of was being loved and stroked and it felt so good and by the time he was done, I was like, “Let’s go.”
Cathy: Yes, and if you don’t have a partner …
Ashley: It goes on.
Cathy: If you don’t have a partner, you can even do that for yourself, or even if you do have a partner, just standing in front of a mirror and looking at yourself and putting aside all those judgments that society has given you or that you’ve intern … that you’ve created for yourself and just going, “Oh, wow the skin is actually really soft and it’s responsive and it’s amazing,” if you start connecting with yourself that way, it’s beautiful. I love … thank you for that analogy.
Another thing is just being relaxed and talking to your partner is really helpful. I have a belly, and when I slept with people that weren’t comfortable with it, they were just … or avoiding that part of my body. They didn’t know how to interact with me and I didn’t have the skill set to help them be comfortable with it at first.
Just the first person that reached up and put his arm and pushed the belly out of the way so he could go down on me was like … and he was totally relaxed, he was like, “This is your body and there’s nothing wrong with it, but I’m moving this part out of the way,” just like he would move a leg. He was comfortable and relaxed and that helped me be comfortable and relaxed and to model that for other people.
If you’re uncomfortable saying something like, “I know my belly’s bigger and I’m feeling a little in my head about it, but you can just move the skin out of the way. It’s okay.” That gives your partner permission to talk about it, too. It sounds like you’ve been really lucky with having a partner that was really body aware and accepting.
Ashley: He is wonderful. That has really changed my entire view of my body and the way that I interact with sex, so I’m very grateful to have him in my life.
Cathy: Yes. Hopefully you people watching this, you’ll find people that are like that, and you can start modeling that by being that for yourselves. If you’re not beating yourself up and shaming yourself, you have a much better connection with your body and it’s healthier, I think. You’re not creating toxic stress for yourself.
You can model that for your partner. If your partner’s critical you can say, “I would really appreciate kinder words towards me.” You can start creating that for yourselves.
Thank you for being here and sharing that with us, Ashley.
Ashley: Thank you, Cathy.
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