How Can I Overcome Dating Anxiety ?

Cathy: Someone wrote in and said how can I lessen of fear of dating if nothing seems to be working for me? I want to date because the more I get out, the easier it gets. But it’s hard to take a lot of losses one after the other.

Cathy: This is Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com/

Reid: Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com/

Cathy: It’s a great question. It does take courage to get out there if you haven’t been out there for a while. But if you start getting rejections it’s like …
Oh Wow, that’s like … maybe I should just go back and watch all three rounds. It’s a lot safer.

Reid: And how do you… How does your raspy… Voice, uhm… How does that work?

Cathy: Oh, I get no rejections… With the raspy voice.

Reid: No rejections with the raspy voice? I see I see …
Maybe if this person had that raspy voice, sexy raspy voice. It would work better.

Cathy: Just be getting over a cold and then go ahead, ask you for a while.

Reid: Just stay only after getting over a cold or gargling with the… steel wool

Cathy: Vodka.
Reid: Vodka. Something like that. Exactly. Yeah! Uhm Yeah, It is a great question and my uninformed advice or maybe well informed advice. Is the rejection piece… One you can look at rejection differently by reframing it. But then I’m curious about you’re … How you assess. Who you go on the date with …

Cathy: Who you’re asking now?

Reid: Yeah and can you do rejection as a form of like…
Oh! We’re not a good fit. so you get that both not a good fit, usually when the other person understands it’s not a good fit, It’s more empowering form of rejection.
Cathy: Yeah! I think a lot of us are brought up to think that if someone says “No” they’re rejecting you in total as a person. Like your whole being is wrong and bad versus I’m not ready to date right now or you don’t occur to me as someone who’s a good fit for me or…

Reid: You don’t want to get married I want to get married .we shouldn’t do this…

Cathy: Right… he could be a really cool person. I just told about if…

Reid: I was cooler it would be okay that I didn’t want to get married of course you wanted to fall in love with me for life.

Cathy: Our society is always trying to put square pegs in round holes. It’s like if you just hit it hard enough it’ll work and I don’t want to be relationships like that.

Reid: Technically that’s true… From a physics perception Right?
Cathy: Eventually they heard… Both party are not happy hahaha
Reid: Cathy is a PhD Engineer on the side if you didn’t know that so it’s always a fun to do a little physics. Joke. Yeah!
Cathy: Yeah, I think just realizing that not going out of a date doesn’t mean a rejection of you as a whole and what’s not going to done sometimes If I’m really relaxed about it like…
Oh, cool! Thanks they’ll ask someone out, they say NO I said okay cool thanks… Uhm You know thanks for listening and I’m relaxed about it. Something that I don’t do it to try to change their mind but there’s a doorway where they saw I handled the know well and that makes them curious about who I’am.
Reid: With so many people feeling pressured about the dating stuff, and that most people want to feel wanted they don’t want to feel pressure. The piece for me around rejection and the reason I’m such a proponent of thinking about things as fits, like just a good fit, tis not a good fit. What it helps me feel because I do, I am very insecure I did get rejected a lot when I was younger and I was the weird goofy kid. So nobody wanted to hang out with me, now being weird and goofy is what

Cathy: You say you rejected sometimes?
Reid: Yeah! But the rejection to me doesn’t occur as rejection.it can sting Yeah! Because I get disappointed… But from a fit perspective when I can remember. If were a bad fit and we try to make it work and it’s not going to be rejection it’s going to be explosion like it’s going to be crash and burn. Which I personally haven’t grown up in a family where there was a lot of stress. I would rather deal with the sting of disappointment than the crashing and burn… Like you know… Rahhhhhh.. Of just stuff being so terribly hard to make work than it then it just disintegrates. And that and that’s this is all my opinion but the reframe has been really powerful because then when somebody says NO I can really thank them for taking care of themselves. Because they saved me the crash and burn… Like the emotional scar tissue of all.

Cathy: Yeah … and you work through a lot of things. So as well so you’re just approaching as here and now, this is what’s happening a lot of us have trauma or painful memories from when we were younger . So were not just going up to a suit ask you out or going up to suit asks you out and …

Reid: She heal the entire childhood…
Cathy: And Mrs. Brooks who rejected me in the third grade… And my Sta.clause…
Reid: Why you’re trying to date Mrs. Brook?

Cathy: She’s Hot…