Moving across country for a job? Any big change can stress a relationship. What can you do?
With Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com, Andi Cortland from http://www.LevelUpSex.com and Raj.
Cathy: Dealing with change in a relationship can be really challenging. Moving across country because one person has a job or for other reasons, that can put a lot of turmoil into a relationship. How do you deal with that? I’m Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com.
Andi: I’m Andi Cortland from http://www.LevelUpSex.com.
Raj: I’m Raj. I’m just an ordinary guy who happens to be married to her.
Cathy: You’ve had this transition where you moved out here for work.
Andi: Yes, I did.
Cathy: And Raj, how did you have that dialogue? How did it work?
Raj: It happened because we visited San Francisco on vacation and we really both loved it. In particular, Andi was finishing up school and basically one day she was like, “I’m moving to San Francisco.”
Andi: I was at the end of my PhD, and I was completely burned out on academia and I wanted to make a big change and get away from the PhD program.
Cathy: Was that how you told him? “I’m going to move to San Francisco.”
Andi: No, at least that’s not how I remember it. People always have different memories. I remember saying, “Hey, I really want to move. How is San Francisco?” We had actually been talking for years about moving to a different city. We just hadn’t picked which one. I said, “How do you feel about San Francisco?”
Raj: Yeah, and I was like, “Whoa, that’s really sudden, but I like the idea if we can make it happen.” Then she was like, “All right, I know how to make it happen.”
Andi: Then 2 months later, I was on a plane. I had a 6-week ticket to San Francisco and I gave myself 6 weeks to find a job, and then there we go.
Cathy: Way to take action.
Andi: Yeah.
Cathy: How did it feel for you?
Raj: It was really scary for me because I had a huge community in Atlanta. I’d been living there for about 5 years. I was known in the tech community there. I’d been involved in a lot of groups, activities and all kinds of things. It was really scary for me to contemplate leaving all of that physically. I knew I’d still have some of my friends. Nowadays, we’re always connected, but still scary to imagine actually leaving that. Even when I was planning to go to a city that was so attractive as San Francisco.
Andi: When I left, what kept you going? When I was in San Francisco and you were still in Atlanta, what helped you?
Raj: What helped me was when I was in Atlanta … I was in Atlanta for about 2 thirds of the time for about 8 months until I moved here. When I was in Atlanta, really deliberately trying to make the most of my time there and being present there, as opposed to constantly thinking about my move … I couldn’t commit to new things, to many because I knew I was not going to stay there, but still trying to make sure I connected with my friends there … I had my life there, my activities there … While I was present there, really staying. I wasn’t constantly thinking about [inaudible 00:02:55] that I did not have my wife with me in Atlanta and also, “I’m going to move so I’m always going to think about the future.”
Cathy: Did you have specific Skype dates or times when you would connect to help the relationship stay strong?
Raj: Absolutely, we talked very frequently. We texted a lot. We talked frequently on the phone. We talked on Skype at least every couple of days.
Cathy: You were able to come out. You were lucky that your job would allow you to remote in to come out.
Raj: Yeah, initially I started telling my colleagues and friends that I was going to move so that expectation was set. Then I started coming out to San Francisco first for a couple of days at a time, then for a week at a time, making sure all the remote systems were set up for work. Setting that expectation with friends and colleagues also helped a lot.
Cathy: Wonderful. Thank you so much for sharing this with us. Dealing with change is challenging, but you can talk and communication and be vulnerable with each other, ask for what you need and still make it work.
Andi: Absolutely.
Cathy: Even with a lot of change.
Andi: Even when it’s hard.
Cathy: Leave comments below. Let us know what you think and how you’ve dealt with this. Thanks very much.
Andi: Thank you.
Raj: Bye.
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