Once you have a spark… How do you fan the flame?
With Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com, Andi Cortland from http://www.LevelUpSex.com and Raj.
Cathy: You may be feeling sexy and we just talked about this in the previous video, Responsive Versus Spontaneous, but how do you keep that going? Once you’ve got the spark going, how do you keep the fire burning nice and hot? I’m Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com.
Andi: I’m Andi Cortland from http://www.LevelUpSex.com.
Raj: I’m Raj. I’m married to Andi.
Cathy: You’re talking about the book Come as You Are.
Andi: Right, by Emily Nagoski.
Cathy: Yes, I love that you’re sharing this reading with us. In addition to being responsive or spontaneous, and if you’re not sure what those are, watch the last video, there’s something else about keeping that going once the spark gets there.
Andi: Right, so if you have an analogy where having sex is like driving a car, in order to drive a car, you need to push on the gas and you need to let your foot off the break. Trying to drive while the break is on is not advised. Often times, when people are wanting to have sex but they’re not able to for whatever reason, the mood doesn’t feel right or they can’t get aroused or whatever it is, they think, “There’s something wrong with me.” There’s probably nothing wrong with you. Your gas pedal and your brakes are probably working exactly as they should, but the trick is to ask yourself, “What is it that gets my gas pedal going?” What is it that arouses you and do you have those things?
If yes, then what is it that stops you? What is it that makes a super-hot moment turn stone cold and then make your freeze and get up and want to walk away? Those are your brakes. It could be you need to feel safe with the person you’re with. It could be, for me, one of my brakes is that I get cold super easily, so I am the stereotypical guy who wears wool socks when I’m having sex sometimes, because I know that it’s hard for me to be aroused if I’m cold. Look through things that help make you stop in the middle of sex and make sure you address each of those that’s turning your brake off.
Cathy: I love that.
Raj: One of the things that’s been blowing my mind is as I have been going out and trying to date women, this is something that I sort of had to do recently as our relationship has opened up. I realized how much of the dating advice out there, especially for men, like when men are dating women, no matter whether you’re dating in the sex possible, open relationship community or just the mainstream community, men once were the initiators and the planners. They have to call up the woman or text them and ask for a date and all that. That still applies. A lot of the advice for dating or sex that is given to men is often very focused on pushing the gas pedal.
Cathy: Versus releasing the brake.
Raj: Versus releasing the brake. It’s like, “Make a meal for her. Plan this elaborate date for her,” or, “Send her flowers,” or, “Light up incense,” or, “Do this kind of technique,” or, “Kiss her in this way.” All of that works, only after the brakes are off.
Cathy: They feel safe and the resentments are out there.
Raj: Right, and that’s something when I read Emily Nagoski’s book, I was like, “Oh my God. So many times there’ve been things that I’ve tried that just fell flat because I didn’t take care of the brakes first. I didn’t focus enough on making her feel safe, comfortable,” when it’s physically safe and comfortable like feeling warm, even. Those kind of little things that I didn’t think of and I tried to push the gas too soon and that can often lead to, basically, an evening just falling flat.
Cathy: I think of all the times I’ve had resentments, like we haven’t communicated and they’re there between us and we’re trying to have sex and there’s this big thing right between us and if we just had the conversation before, the brake is gone.
Andi: Exactly, and everyone has brakes and everyone has a gas pedal. This isn’t specifically gendered, so you have brakes, too.
Raj: Yeah, everyone does. For men, for instance, a very common brake is just work stress. It’s a very common thing.
Cathy: I think that’s a human one.
Raj: Yeah, it’s just a human one. Stress, all kinds of emotional stress, physical exercise, physical sleep, lack of sleep, everything can be a brake and it’s important for everyone to know what their brakes are and be able to talk about it.
Andi: Or wanting to get to know someone … It may be that a brake for you is you don’t feel comfortable having sex with someone unless you’ve gotten to know them really well and you’ve gone on a couple of dates and all of these things. That’s fine, then go do that.
Cathy: Knowing yourself can make such a difference and knowing how you and your partner, what your needs are, is so powerful. I really appreciate you sharing. I’m going to go run out and buy Emily’s book. I hope you join me. Love your comments below. Let us know what you think.
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