How much do looks matter when you’re out there dating?

Find out with Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo and Reid Mihalko and

Cathy: We did a video a few months ago about status, how people have different status something you should consider when you’re dating. Someone replied and said forget status it’s all about looks. This is Reid Mihalko from

Reid: Handsome is the day’s long, this is Cathy Vartuli from carrying, forgiving, compassionate, generous and skin soft. So what are we talking about?

Cathy: So we’re talking about, it’s not really about when people are dating there are not looking for status according for this person and are looking for looks.

Reid: Yeah asked some few men, this life sucks.

Cathy: There are a lot of people out there that go by looks in Tinder just going through, looking on a face and deciding if you want to be with someone. And looks do have a lot of important in our society we taught that. We constantly bombarded with messages of having to look in a certain way. And we already get the job or the love, or whatever it is. And there’s a lot of reason for that marketing works it help us spend money coz we want to live a certain way….

Reid: Happy people don’t buy things. Happy people, do not buy things, ladies and gentlemen.

Cathy: They did find that the average women look reading a Cosmo magazine will dropped the self-esteem 30% going through one magazine. They do emphasize, our society empathize that and there is an association that created like on TV if you watch a sitcom, I just turnoff the sound coz it helps me focus but you’ll see the pretty people that have fun or see the smart gets the job. But in generally the non-pretty ones are not seen us so there not going to get, you won’t see it showing as they’re getting good things in life. Our brain associates that it’s not actually true loving someone that’s is really cool and good fit to you is far more important than finding someone who’s perfect looking. In fact one of my colleague in pastor whom I adored, she was an older woman about her 50, I guess she’s older now but the time she was older.

Reid: Coz you were younger.

Cathy: She was amazing, so charismatic, so dynamic woman, amazing teacher we all adored her we took all her classes.

Reid: She was a good teacher.

Cathy: And a few years late, I saw her in brochure were she was getting distinguish professorship or something and without any context I looked at it and I was like “Oh my God, this woman is kind of ugly” She was not, I just see her as amazing like I never seen here, like I never evaluated her looks in that sense she was just amazing person. But out of context she was not conventionally pretty people would look like. So I think so much more about who you are in the world and I want to spend time with people that are amazing not just looking on a certain way.

Reid: So this might be a problem, to be a nerd and pick this up a part like when we say people who are amazing like understand culture is having its way of you, right? Coz that’s statement “you want to spend time with people who are amazing” what about the mediocre people who are just playing I guess Cathy does not want to spend time with them. So then they feel broken, so then they feel they can’t hang out with the cool kids, right? And that we have YouTube channel and that you have and you’re watching and you don’t want to be in front of the camera so you can never get to hang out with us. But this is the thing, this is all culture.

Cathy: But my amazing may not be someone else’s amazing.

Reid: Aha!

Cathy: The people that are really good fit with me got me very excited, maybe someone else’s mediocre and that people are my not that I call people mediocre but if there’s somebody they might find something else there excited about.

Reid: First of, a mediocre person is always at their best. If you strive to be mediocre you good for life. That’s me being funny but at the same time this is what you say that is completely true to me at least other people will have their opinions. When you start looking at the people who are good fit for you and especially good fit being is that you get really excited by and passionate about like the dynamic change. This is one of the self-expression not of attraction which is Cosmopolitan, right? And marketing because happy people don’t buy things so we have to make you feel broken, so then you won’t spend money to fix it.

Cathy: You run credit cards that you finally be acceptable.

Reid: Exactly. So the idea of what is a good fit for you, I’m just pulling stuff out of my butt as usual but like look at your favorite music band or the rock band or the country band the music that you loved most that inspires you and actually look at the faces of people in that band like they’re not usually not the Backstreet boys or Boyz 2 Men like all good looking.

Cathy: Justin Timberlake.

Reid: Like rugged, like sexy, like a lot of rock and roll bands where filled with not attractive people, right? Like woooh the Traveling Wilburys some of them are like the joke being, this is the community instead. Like let’s make a band of some of the ugliest man in rock n roll. But you still get inspired by them, they’re like amazing to you because there something about their self-expression that speaks to you. I’m just using the rock n roll stuff as a silly analogy but in the kink world people who are in to certain activities who really into the activity, the activity is what’s important not necessarily the looks.

Cathy: Find someone who is a good match for you.

Reid: Yeah. Are you really if you’re golf enthusiast? Sorry Bob can’t golf with you, you’re not pretty enough. When you jump out of the attraction box, you realize life is about so much more and cultures taking a lot of dump out of us. When I have the convenience of men as they get older they get more sexy thank you [inaudible 00:06:37] and culture.

Cathy: Sean Connery too.

Reid: Sean Connery. But I don’t know what that was, that was an attempt but the idea of like that you’ve got culture on your side for some things and against on a bunch of some other stuff. What are you actually like and who you wanna be and go hang out with those people, go hang out with those awesome people and that’s your kind of you awesome.

Cathy: And figure out where you awesome and own that. I have a friend who’s into historical reenactment and to his friend he was awesome, to me about half an hour I’m like okay I’m really done. Just because one person is not really excited about who you are doesn’t mean there are millions out there who would love to get to know you.

Reid: And if you’re turned on by “whatever is attracted is to you” then let be that thing that you want to.

Cathy: Let it be your own not what society says.

Reid: Exactly. And understand, look at the other things that turned you on that turn your brain on just in life in general and surround yourself with those and don’t be mean. Like be nice to people, Jesus! Leave a comment.

Cathy: Said snarkly.

Reid: Do it.