There is give and take in every relationship.

Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com interviews Betty Martin from http://www.BettyMartin.org about making taking and receiving consciously.

Cathy: Today, we’re talking about taking and receiving. I’m here with Betty Martin from http://www.BettyMartin.org. I’m Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com. Betty, why is it important for people to understand the difference between giving and receiving?

Betty: That’s a great question, and that’s one that’s really very often confusing when it comes to touch and intimacy. Everyone thinks, “I want to do them both at the same time.” One just happen mystical magical flow that we’re in glitz land. That’s fine. And when you take, receiving and giving apart, you take turns. Meaning you take turns, and you only do one of them at a time. Something very different happens. It’s not the way you’d want to live your entire life, but something very different happening.

What happens is that you find out what they actually are. In the context of touch, most people think that giving is the person who’s doing. That is sometimes true. We will talk about that on another tape. The person’s receiving they think that’s the person who’s being done to, but that’s not actually always the case but if you define receiving and giving as which direction is the gift moving.

When we all have a need, just the basic human need, for someone else to put aside what they want and give us attention. We also have a human need to put aside what we want, and put someone else’s needs first. That’s essentially what giving and receiving are. What I’m giving, I put what I prefer on the shelf for a period of time, within certain limits.

What I want doesn’t matter. What you want matters. Then at other times, what you want doesn’t matter. What I want does matter. What happens is, because both of those are actual human needs, when you can take them apart and do it one at a time, there’s something in you that is fed. That is fed no other way. There are just times when you need someone to … intimacy, that’s just the way it is and vice versa.

Cathy: I’ve noticed that when I get really caught up in myself, and I’m focusing on my need, I can sometimes feel off balance. Other times when I’m so giving to other people, I feel depleted.

Betty: Exactly.

Cathy: You got to balance that.

Betty: Exactly. You need both. You need both. Probably the biggest fallacy about giving is that if I’m going to give, I have to give everything. That’s really ironically what makes you able to make you to be generous as a giver, is that you know what your limit is, and what you are not willing to give. I can give this much, but not this much.

When I know where my limit is, then I automatically become very generous. I’m no longer guarding and worried about what if they ask for too much? What if I give too much? All that stuff. When you know your limits, you become very generous.

Cathy: Yeah, say, to be intimate and close to someone if you say you can say no, or that’s…

Betty: Absolutely. Yeah.

Cathy: It’d be pretty scary that you think that you just have to give whatever that person wanted and say like, “Shave your head.” You’re like, “Okay.”

Betty: (Laughs) It’s funny most of us will say that, but when it comes to touch, both touching and being touched, it’s amazing how easy it is to give more than you want to give. When we were small children. We were all touched in ways we don’t want. Even in the very best of circumstances. You already know how to put up at stuff. That can get … I’m not talking about problem necessarily. Just normal everyday living and…

Cathy: Yeah. Your diaper needs to be changed, they want a diaper change.

Betty: You don’t want it.

Cathy: No. “I don’t want a bath!” No. (Laughing)

Betty: “I don’t want to brush my teeth!” (Laughing) That makes us tend to give more of ourselves than we necessarily want to give.

Cathy: If a couple wanted to practice giving and receiving, are there couple of steps that you could recommend that they could try? 

Beth: Sure! Really, really simple in fact it’s sort of pathetically simple. “How would you like me to touch you right now for 5 minute or either 3 minute?” and then if they are willing to do that and the other person now, “How would you like me to touch you for 3 minute or 5 minute?” 

Cathy: Yeah I just felt like very relaxed. 

Betty: It’s really, really simple. The key or secret to make it much easier is that you start with a very short time, 3 minutes is great. You start with something that is not about sex. And it’s also helpful to start not into a bedroom actually because so many people think that touch have to live with sex or if you not going to have sex you don’t get touch you’re a stupid actually. 

Cathy: Yeah. Which is part of… 

Betty: Yah! Absolutely, so it help to start with clothes or not in bedroom. Start with a body area that is not very sexy. 

Cathy: Start with your arm and hands 

Betty: Yeah! Like head scratch and then you get comfortable and confident in that little bit of asking a communication and that’s really the key out there. 

Cathy: Nice I love it. Thanks very much Betty. 

Betty: You are so welcome 

Cathy: If you have any comments please leave them below we both to know how did this works for you. Did you try it out? What did your partner think? Thanks very much.

 

More articles on improving your communication and relationship skills:

Intimacy and Connection: Allowing, with Betty Martin

The Big O, and Goal Oriented Sex…How They Can Get In The Way of Deep Intimacy