Rather than focusing on the big O as a sign that you did a good job…try focusing on the connection and the joy. When we take the pressure off, and don’t shame each other for not “getting there”, we can be more present and enjoy ourselves a lot more.

Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com and Ashely Manta from http://www.AshleyManta.com share.


Cathy: If you read the latest addition of Cosmo, you’ll see a lot of advice on how to have the best sex ever, which includes orgasm almost always. Goal-oriented sex is what sells in the media, but it’s not necessarily what pleases people in the bedroom. I’m Cathy Vartuli from http://TheIntimacyDojo.com here with Ashley Manta from http://AshleyManta.com. Hey, Ashley.

Ashley: Hey, Cathy.

Cathy: A lot of the titles in Cosmo might be “How To Get Him Off Tonight”, “How To Have the Best O Ever”. People are very focused on orgasm, and I personally love orgasms. There’s nothing wrong with them, but when they become the goal, it can really change the focus of the interaction with someone.

Ashley: Definitely. So many sex articles are focused on how to have the best orgasm possible and the g-spot orgasm, the clitoral orgasm, the vaginal orgasm, and guess what guys? They’re all just orgasms, and they’re great …

Cathy: Yeah.

Ashley: But if you spend the entire sexual interaction focusing on, “Oh, my God, I need to get off. Oh, my God, I need to get off. Oh, my God, I need to get off,” you’re going to get so stuck in your head that you can’t actually enjoy the sex that you’re having.

Cathy: Yeah, and actually sex is … people look at it we’re trying to get to this peak and we fall off. Like we’re going to get to the orgasm and look, but actually arousal is kind of like a little more fluid. There’s peaks and valleys as you go, and if your whole goal is for yourself to get off or to get the other person off to show that you are a successful, valuable, good person in bed, you’re not allowing them the inhale and exhale of the arousal, and it’s harder to build to a really successful, powerful orgasm if you’re kind of being feeling pushed. I can feel it when someone has that agenda for me. I don’t necessarily feel safe and relaxed in my body because I can tell they want … they need something from me to feel okay about themselves.

Ashley: Definitely, and so often, when we hinge our sexual confidence on how well we are able to get our partner off, it can be really distracting for both partners.

Cathy: Yeah.

Ashley: I have a friend who, when she masturbates, it takes 45 minutes to orgasm.

Cathy: Uh-huh.

Ashley: You add time to that number when she’s with a partner.

Cathy: Yeah.

Ashley: And she’s had partners be like, “I can’t believe that I can’t get you off.”

Cathy: Yeah.

Ashley: And then she feels bad, when really it’s the ride that’s the important part, no pun intended.

Cathy: Yeah.

Ashley: It’s the buildup. It’s the stopping and starting. It’s the intimacy of looking into each other’s eyes and really experiencing each other’s body rather than focusing on the big O.

Cathy: Yes. I think that when we get more present … and Tantra does a lot of that where it’s not about the orgasm. In fact, in some types of Tantra, the men won’t ejaculate. They’ll just … they orgasm without ejaculation. But it’s really a beautiful … When you’re very present with how your touch feels to each other and you’re not just trying to get your hand on their genitals to try to push them over the edge so that you’ve had a successful night with your partner, it’s really amazing and you might find that three or four hours is delightful. Like you can’t wait to have another time where you can just spend that time caressing and touching and seeing what kind of touch. Do they like to be touched here gently or here, or do they like the edge of your nails, or what is it? It’s a total curiosity thing that’s delightful.

Ashley: Yeah, and when we see orgasm as a goal, it also tends to be seen as a finishing point …

Cathy: Yes.

Ashley: Like, “Oh, good. I had an orgasm. Now I’m done,” whereas if you don’t orgasm, you can tease and touch and build up and slow down and really experience all the sensations of each other’s bodies.

Cathy: You can, and you can actually ask … Some men may not believe this, but after you orgasm, you can still touch and play and be … there’s still a beautiful connection to be had. I know many women can be multiple orgasmic, have multiple orgasms, and even if they can’t, it feels really good to both parties. So when you stop focusing on the big O, you can start having a lot more fun in the bedroom.

Ashley: Yes, you can. So let us know how you enjoy your partner without actually orgasming.

Cathy: Yes. What kind of touch do you like? How do you like to spend your time together? Let us know below. Thank you.

Ashley: Thanks guys.

 

More articles on improving your sex skills:

Energetic Sex: Being Present With Touch

Romance For The Rest Of Us