Want more spark in the bedroom? What to drive your partner wild? Join Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com and Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com as they discuss Tuning Into Touch.
Cathy: Tuning into Touch. This is Cathy Vartuli from http://TheIntimacyDojo.com.
Reid: And I’m Reid Mihalko from http://ReidAboutSex.com. Oh, oh, oh.
Reid: Everybody just clicked off because they were like, EW! Stop it! Stop it!
Cathy: (Laughs) I love that you talk about this tuning into the touch or feelings so that we get actually a lot more sensation in sexuality.
Reid: Um-hmm (affirmative).
Cathy: When you first showed it to me, it was really powerful.
Cathy: Like I could feel the ridges of my fingertips.
Reid: Um-hmm (affirmative). The basic thing…I use a lot of other people’s best stuff and then repackage it. I’m going to try to attribute it. Betty Martin, who’s an amazing educator and helped us out with Cuddle Party way, way back, and is still helping out with Cuddly Party today even though I’m not that involved with it. She talks about some of this idea of just slowing down touch, which has you become more present.
The idea is, and what I talk about with sex education, is how do you touch or approach the clitoris? It’s like we’re in the wild and like, “There it is! It’s a clitoris.” You don’t charge the clitoris. OK. Similarly with just people in general, slowing down helps you pick up more information and helps the other person feel more.
The analogy and visual for me is like you’re driving down a country road. You’re driving too fast, you can’t see the street signs, because they’re tiny. You need to slow down enough to be able to pick up more information.
Reid: This is all to say that when you’re touching, like … Can I have your arm?
Reid: OK. A lot of people are like, “Oh, my god, your skin is so soft.” That’s great. That’s creating a lot of stimulation.
Cathy: Right. It’s like going through a five-course meal all at once.
Reid: Yeah. It’s not creating a lot of information. OK. Or, actually, it’s creating a lot of information, but information you can’t pick up. If I slow down and actually go at the speed where I can pick up the most information through my fingers, I’m also creating a situation where there’s more information for you to be able to experience, where I’m feeling for … You don’t have very hairy arms, even though you’re Italian … That was a joke. Don’t get all angry Italian people. I want to travel fast enough to be able to actually feel the hairs on my skin …
Cathy: Or the texture of the skin.
Reid: Slowing things down and going softer, at first. The other thing that I talk about is like if you want to rub your eyelashes, … and if you’re watching, try this (but) don’t poke yourself in the eye …the gentleness with which you stroke your eyelashes is a good gentleness to start with touch. As things get revved up and you guys get more like RRRRARR! into it, then you can go harder and faster because then it’s about the shift from subtle information to creating a lot of stimuli.
Reid: That has a lot to do with, as a geeks, the differences in your blood chemistry changing and how you’re leveraging force and your pelvic floor muscles to create other things. But, for nurturing touch, practice going slower and lighter, and seeing how that changes things.
Cathy: I really love that kind of touch. It actually helps me if I’m being intimate with someone to get turned on. Carol Queen talks about not moving faster than your turn-on. A lot of times, when we’re with someone, our head is like, “I want to get there. I want to reach orgasm or get in their pants, ” and we’re not really paying attention to where we are in our turn-ons. By starting nice and slow like that, you let the turn-on build really powerfully and it can be incredibly delightful.
Reid: Again, you’re tuning into people. You’re going slow enough for yourself to notice stuff. For a lot of people who get aroused by anticipation, you going slower and softer creates this craving for more.
Reid: In a world where a lot of people are just getting pawed and …
Reid: Manhandled mindlessly, you going softer and gentler at first will sometimes surprise them to death. “What are you doing?!”
Reid: You’re like, “I’m going softer and gentler,” and they’re like, “Why?!” You’re like, “Because that smarter.” They’re like, “I’m feeling a lot!” and you’re like, “That’s the point. ”
Cathy: (Laughs) Yes.
Reid: Play with this. Everyone’s different. Some of you won’t like it, and that’s OK, but test it out. It’s a bandwidth of touch that we don’t get role modeled or taught, and it’s a really nutrient-rich place for you to explore.
Cathy: I love Betty Martin where each of you takes three minutes and touch each other, and explore that way. You can say, “Oh, that’s too light. That’s kind of tickly” or just notice what the other person likes.
Cathy: Leave comments below. We’ love to know if you’ve tried this, what your experience is.
Reid: (Whispers) How’s it going for you? …In our video.
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