What About Sexual Abuse In Men?

Cathy: What about sexual abuse in men? I’m here with Jimanekia Eborn you can find her on https://www.facebook.com/JimmyEborn/ and then Cathy Vartuli from the http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com/ thanks so much for being here Jimanekia.

Jimanekia: Thank you for having me.

Cathy: And I think there’s so little visibility that in men boys being abused or raped. And a lot of people just like “oh that’s not a thing” anyone can experience that. and

Jimanekia: Yeah, basically one in every 10 males have been sexually assaulted.

Cathy: At least from what I’ve heard a lot of people think that’s under report like that’s probably a low statistic because a lot of.

Jimanekia: It’s extremely underreported yeah definitely it’s sad and scary because there’s no more safe spaces or they’re actually have never been any safe spaces for men that have suffered sexual trauma when they try to get help they’re often shamed. And so that’s scary

Cathy: It’s hard enough as a woman, I was abused as a child and it was hard enough for me to go walk that path and find groups and but there’s quite a bit of support out there and we had one male in our support group and I know that he felt very alone and isolated you know we tried to be as welcoming as we could but there wasn’t a lot of space like he’s he said I can never tell anyone outside of the script because they’ll just shame me.

Jimanekia: That’s the scary part I’ve worked in different spaces I did work with juvenile adolescents all males and a lot of them were sexually assaulted by people in their own families. You know most sexual thoughts are done by someone that you know so it’s like if someone in your family’s assaulting you, who do you go to?

Cathy: Yeah, well and then if society says if you do that then you’re gay which is horrible or your.. There something wrong with you, or know that shouldn’t have happened know self-respecting man would let that happen, what do you do?

Jimanekia: Or do we, or what do you complaining about you just got late. Leading to future trauma and future scars and not feeling safe anywhere.

Cathy: I think that just perpetuates the rape culture we have or we’re telling men that they can’t have feelings. They don’t have consent they don’t have they don’t get to own their own bodies and now feelings about it being touched. It just

Jimanekia: I I agree, I definitely agree with that. I I also seen more so lately and I’m kind of glad and sad that there’s been a lot more stories in the news so glad because finally someone’s talking about. Sad one that it took this long, two of course that it’s happening in general.

Cathy: Yeah, it’s it’s and having survived it like I know how even as a small child when this was happening to me I felt like I should have been able to stop it, I should have been able to make him not do those things if I just did something right or I was a better person and I can’t imagine the pressure in a society where men are taught from infancy that they’re supposed to be powerful and able to fight off anything that there’s so much pressure on that.so the shame must be very intense is there something go ahead

Jimanekia: I do have friends I know I’ve been there were book actually about his sexual assault and it took him so long to process it. Because of those masculinity tricks that are pushed upon like it had him thinking like was that assault? Um, did I want that? and I I mean I feel like that’s also something that women struggle with as well.

Cathy: Yes.

Jimanekia: But of course it’s a bit different because they have that strength pushed upon them.

Cathy: Yeah, I don’t think it’s a gender thing I think it’s a cultural thing where society tells if you have a penis you must act this way and if you have a vagina that you must act this way. But the pressure the indoctrination that we get they even say we hold baby boys differently than or rougher with them immediately, that if you put they did this whole say they wrap babies and blue or pink blankets and they actually weren’t different they mix the genders but they studied like how people held them and they’re like if they thought it was a they’re much more that you weren’t paying attention to the individual they were paying attention to what society said. The blue blanket meant which is really hard um

Jimanekia: It’s sad, it’s really sad it makes my heart hurt.

Cathy: Yeah, it does me too. Um, well I think just giving voice to it and letting people be aware. Because when culture has its way with us when it doesn’t nobody’s conscious of it and when we start being at least aware that it’s happening we can go “oh oh what am I doing?” versus “oh that’s just how it is”

Jimanekia: I think that it’s too oh that’s just what it is it’s you know where we’re at today. Which scares me there was a recent story about football players from Ohio state game you when I retire once before and I was watching the clip and you’re like okay it’s a football game. One of the guys is on the ground with someone else on top of me the play is continued playing another player comes in and physically not even in this area comes and grabs the guys behind squeezes it you’re like whoa yeah next he reaches around and grabs his penis area and so there’s no like ..