Treating people like adults means taking them at their word most of the time… How can you tell if someone can use their words well?
With Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com and Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com and http://SexGeekSummerCamp.com.
Cathy: Reid, you talk about taking people at their word and measuring their words by …
Reid: Let’s read the testimonial first. We love it when you guys send in cool things about our videos.
Cathy: We do.
Cathy: Ali said “You guys are amazeballs. I wish I could … “
Cathy: It’s cute.
Reid: I don’t even know what that means but it sounds awesome.
Cathy: Like amazing people.
Reid: Amazing balls?
Cathy: Yeah, well you may have … well mine come off.
Reid: What’s the rest of the testimonial?
Cathy: “I wish I could have chatted you up more when I kind of, sort of met you in real life, which we did but I love your channel, learning a lot.”
Reid: Yay. Thank you Ali, you’re amazeballs.
Reid: And you all watching are amazeballs. Alright now back … This is Cathy Vartuli from the Intimacy Dojo.
Cathy: This is Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com.
Reid: And what are we doing today?
Cathy: Well you talk about taking people at their word and measuring their words by their actions. I love the statement, I’m wondering if you could explain it some more?
Reid: Yeah sure, right now?
Cathy: Yeah, like while they’re here.
Reid: In an amazeballs kind of way?
Cathy: Yeah, be amazing.
Reid: The whole concept is most people don’t know how to speak up about stuff that they want or some people don’t even know what they want because they were never given permission. Most people that you’re dealing with on the planet, at some point will not speak up about something or ask directly or just aren’t good at it. People who can find their words and will actually fulfill on those words, that’s what I think is a really good way of assessing the level people are operating in your life. It’s not that the people who can’t find their words are bad, it’s just that that’s where they are in their journey and it’s not that people who say they want to do things but then never show up are bad, they’re just at another place in their journey and the people that I think we should all be hanging out with for the most part are the people who can, for the most part, find their words and do what they say they are going to do, they can speak up and show up. There you go, that was your amazeballs quote right there.
Cathy: One of the things I noticed too is, if you start treating people like what they say is real, they start acting that way. I was brought up in a culture, my family, where if you offered to do something, the other person had to refuse it like 3 or 4 times but you never were quite sure how many times those refusing was polite and how many was real.
Reid: That protocol exists in a lot of different cultures. In certain Asian cultures you offer, you offer, you offer, you refuse, you refuse, you refuse and that’s culturally programmed into the situation. You’re family life was like that?
Cathy: Yeah and so you didn’t want to be too eager because that was rude but if you said no one too many times they thought you really meant no but you never were quite sure what that was.
Reid: That’s confusing.
Reid: Leave a comment if you grew up in a family like that.
Cathy: Yeah, but when I started hanging out with you and you’d say, “If you’re sure, that’d be great” or “Yeah let’s go do that” and I was like oh wow and I was offering things I wanted to do but it was surprising, it was so nice after I got over my first surprise of it, it was like, oh I don’t have to play this game. If you’re offering things you really want to do and someone says yes, it feels wonderful and if someone is used to playing that old game of, no, no, no, I can’t do it or playing that game, you’re like, oh okay, well let me know if you change your mind.
Reid: And watch this video.
Cathy: Yeah or if they offer something you say, “Yeah, that sounds good” when maybe they were just being polite and hoping you’d say no. Well they’re kind of getting feedback that maybe they shouldn’t do that with you, so you start creating a much more open and honest connection with someone and the people that are willing to play that game, play on the level of, yeah this is what I really mean and I’m offering what I mean, are going to stick around.
Reid: Now understand that as you play this game, and games may be the wrong idea but … There’s a great book called Finite Infinite Games by something Carse. C-A-R-S-E.
Cathy: Its a great book.
Reid: Great book about creating games where there aren’t winners or losers, it’s all about playing and this is really what life, in my opinion, becomes. Understand when you start getting this kind of direct with people who are used to playing the other game, a couple things will happen. One, they won’t believe you. Two, you also may come off as very curt to them or too direct, they’re like uhh, it’s like right in the face, uhh. When it’s too direct and surprises them then they may not be good at speaking up immediately but that doesn’t mean that they won’t get really good at it. Just understand you may surprise people with your directness and it may come off as being abrasive.
Cathy: There are ways to soften it a little bit. When I was moving into this house, the person that was helping me was actually brilliant. The neighbors came over and we were exhausted, we’d been moving all day but the neighbors came over to say hi and they were like “Do you want help?” and we had a car load of stuff and she said “Don’t offer if you don’t mean that because we won’t say no” and that gave them a graceful way to like “Oh well we’re kind of busy” or “Dinners almost ready” but they did, they actually helped, they were really amazing. There’s ways to say it like “if you really mean that” or “don’t offer if you don’t mean that”, especially for people that don’t know you, that are used to playing the old way of, I have to offer things to appear nice and I don’t really expect you to take up on them.
Reid: What do you think? Leave ideas, comments.
Cathy: Does this ever work for you? What works? Yeah, see you soon.
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