When Do You Initiate The Safer Sex Elevator Speech Especially With Oral Herpes?
Cathy: I’m curious about, when to initiate the http://reidaboutsex.com/safersexelevatorspeech/? It sounds like it comes before kissing especially for including oral herpes in this discussion but I don’t usually talk about sex until I know someone’s interested which I frequently find out by kissing them. I won’t like the idea and want to incorporate it but not break the flow.
Cathy: Where does it fit in?
Reid: Cathy Vartuli from https://theintimacydojo.com/
Cathy: Reid Mihalko for http://reidaboutsex.com/
Reid: Give me your answer I have my answer but I don’t want to show you off what’s what what your advice?
Cathy: I typically will have it on a second or third date depending on how it’s flowing. I might have had like a goodnight kiss but I usually haven’t had a make out session with them. So, that’s I usually that’s what I have it and I kind of listening to the flows. My body it’s not just as if they when I have sex with me, it’s do I won’t have sex with them. It’s my body going “hey I’m so glad you’re here.”
Cathy: So, I listen to that and you know sometimes we will run away and that’s okay and sometimes it does break the flow and it’s still okay because I had the conversation with people I wasn’t sure I wasn’t have sex with me a great discussion at the very least.
Reid: Here’s.. her device. Here’s my advice and this is my advice probably from now moving forward because I think it just occurred to me, “oh! Just teach it this way Reid. First imagine, how would you feel if you’ve been making out with somebody and then they told you the next date when you want one you wanted to sleep together that they had oral herpes?
Cathy: I wouldn’t be happy about it.
Reid: Why wouldn’t you be happy about it?
Reid: She.. she is standing for.. for or [inaudible 00:01:42]
Cathy: Sure. I would.. I’ve feel like that should be disclosed and I get to take a choice I feel like my choice was taken away.
Reid: Got it. So, now shake up the edges sketch ..you drawing, your… you have oral herpes you want to make out with somebody but you’re ..you’re afraid you’re hesitating whether or not you should tell them or not. Why are you hesitating?
Cathy: Well, I think there’s a lot of the shame around it in general society and I don’t know how that person in general is going to take it they might freak out and go “oh my god I never want to see you again” or there’s the fear being rejected.
Reid: So, the situation if I’m assessing it correctly is that people tend to not tell people at first hoping that when they do tell them
Cathy: The connection will good enough
Reid: They’ll be okay with it
Cathy: Yeah. Yeah the connection will be good enough. Whereas I would actually be I feel disrespected if someone doesn’t tell me beforehand.
Reid: So, in the weird world of Reid Mihalko, Reid Mihalko being somebody who makes out with a lot of people and it’s been very fortunate to have sex with many many folk and if you’re watching and you’ve had sex with me thank you so much thank you, really. The.. and who’s also Jackass about it and the reason I’m not doing it to brag this is like I’m impressing upon you how I do it is I tend to tell everybody ahead of time
Reid: Before I make out with them because my offending them later is worse than me not getting to make out with them. Now the argument is what we make out with all these people so you’re not starving for making out.”
Cathy: Yeah, that sounds precious to you.
Reid: However if you are starving for making out, why would you be willing to offend them later? Or take their choice away? That just feels weird. Now granted what I’m saying is, no tell them that you you know before you kiss be like “hey just you know like I have herpes and I just want to be respectful like are you okay with us making out?” I’m not saying that that’s easy to do, I’m saying that that’s powerful.
Reid: And if they can’t handle it, they’re really gonna to be pissed when you tell them later so when you do the math
Reid: I would say that I would say take the workshops, watch the videos, read the books so that you feel less shame and just kind of get “hey you might not want to kiss me.” However when I really talked to people in the sex geek community and also in the.. in the non sex geek community the response more often than not around kissing tends to be that most people are okay with it. Most.. most being more than fifty one percent.
Cathy: Yeah. Well, I also I’m kind of a geek and I don’t always notice what people are interested in me or not and so for me, is someone had like tells us safer sex elevator speech is like, “oh, they’re kind of interested at least exploring that.” And for I’m sure I’m not the only one who’s been on a date so didn’t realize they were date still in like a year later like, “oh, would play that totally different.” So just initiating that makes it clear that “hey I’m at least interested in you somewhat or tell these conversations.”
Reid: Yeah. Now you don’t even have to have the full conversation.
Reid: Right? Because then.. because I do I am I have talked to enough people that they’re that some people say that well, if I have the safer sex conversation, now the other person is assuming that I’m a yes to sex.
Cathy: Well, I will say right up front I would like to have this conversation with you I don’t know if I want to where we’re going.
Reid: And the persons in this is feedback from other people, people still assume
Reid: They’re like “oh yeah, yeah, yeah” you’re just saying that, right? And again some people are like, “no I just want to make out I don’t want to open up this other door yet.”
Reid: So then just talk you don’t have to have the whole safer sex conversation just be like “hey I have oral herpes” yada yada yada and then you’re just keeping it above the waist so to speak and then if the make out goes really well and now people want to do other things then it’s like hey we need to have a safer sex conversation because there’s other stuff I want to know.
Reid: So, again you don’t have to have the full elevator speech you can just let people “hey I.. you know I’m a decent human being who wants to give you information about what you’re getting yourself into.”
Cathy: And sometimes it’s okay to break the flow and see how they handle it so you know they’ll talk about stuff.
Reid: I t’s a great assessment technique but the big piece is if they’re gonna to be pissed knowing it now, how do you think they’re going to react later when you have to tell them?
Reid: They’re going to fucking have a meltdown. So save yourself the headache.
Cathy: The paperwork
Reid: The paperwork the emotional paperwork. I hope that’s useful.
Cathy: That’s great, thank you.
Reid: You’re welcome. Leave comment.