We don’t see people having sex with bigger people on TV, generally. There’s a lot of internalized shame around sex and bigger people. Making it normal and ok and having great communication (which is important in ANY relationship) can make it lots more fun!
Cathy: So if you’re playing with someone who is bigger, there’s not a lot of information out there on how to play with them? How to make them comfortable? How to move their body?
Kelly: Right. Especially if you’re somebody who is uncomfortable. Say for instance you’re a bigger person and you’re not that comfortable with your sexuality, having sex with somebody for the first time might be slightly unnerving/terrifying experience because you don’t know if that guy is really into you.
On the flipside maybe you’re a guy who wants to try intimate relations with the chubby chick for the first time or you’re a skinny girl, you find that oh my god I have no idea but I’m really attracted to chubby guys. How do you get into that space where once you’re naked in a room together, how do you have sex in a way that maybe doesn’t make the other person uncomfortable? The skinny person or the big person.
Cathy: Yeah there’s a lot of shame on the part — for most people that are considered overweight – there’s a shame of I’m not supposed to be this way, I’ve never seen this portrayed.
Kelly: I’m not supposed to be sexual or sexy and why does this person want to have sex with me. This just becomes very unnerving and if you’re a guy that can mess with direction problems and if you’re a girl, you’re just beating yourself up and the whole night just goes…
Cathy: The chemistry between two people is messed up if one person’s like I hope they don’t notice how big I am or I have to hold my stomach in the whole time. It makes it very uncomfortable.
Kelly: And you are?
Cathy: I’m Cathy Vartuli from http://TheIntimacyDojo.com.
Kelly: I am Kelly Shibari from http://ThePRSMGroup.com and http://KellyShibariXXX.com and yeah it’s kind of funny. I’ve dated all sorts of guys over the years and I have all my ways kind of — when it comes to sex it’s the inside of my thighs.
I have a pretty fleshy pubic mount so I’m comfortable enough with my sexuality because I do a lot of porn so performing and being naked especially in front of the camera is something I do often so part of what I do is facilitate things for my male costar.
I realized that that’s something that you should probably do in your bedroom too if you’re working with somebody and maybe they’re not used to your body but you know what works for your body.
Cathy: Coach the other person.
Kelly: Yeah. I’m a big fan of communication in the bedroom anyway so why not? Say “hey look, what works for me is doggy style or what works for me is I get really turned on if I give you a blow job first” because I’m a very oral person personally.
Cathy: Knowing yourself and being able to share that is really helpful.
Kelly: Yeah. For me because I’m slightly submissive I’m cool if you want to go down on me but I’m going to be happier if I’m giving you head. That’s me.
Cathy: You know yourself…
Kelly: Right and that’s because I’ve learned that over years of experimentation but I think that it’s different if you’re a guy who has a big gut or big thighs or whatever, things that are in the way.
I’ve played with boys and girls who have an apron and for me I’m comfortable enough with it that I can just go and just move it out of the way. Just go or say ‘hey get into this position and then that way I can get at you better.’
Cathy: But you’re willing to experiment and play with them whereas someone who’s really scared and insecure or shamed might not be willing to say ‘let’s try and see what works well for us.’
Kelly: Right. And so somebody in that equation, if you have two timid people, it gets very uncomfortable for everybody so somebody’s going to have to take the bull by horns and go okay, let’s try this.
Cathy: You had a great suggestion for bigger people. If you look at tips for pregnant women, that’s a great way to find positions and ways to move that work.
Kelly: Yeah, scissor works great, like sideways. The interesting thing about sideways is as a girl you only have to put one leg up. Putting both legs up can be exhausting and sometimes if you’re in that position where you’re on your back and you’re doing missionary and both your legs are up in the air, it pushes all your stomach and…
Cathy: You can’t breathe
Kelly: Yeah and I’m one of those people that in missionary, if I’m not careful, my boobs will come up into my face because I have really big boobs. I have like F cup boobs. And they will actually come up here and they will suffocate if I’m not careful so I prefer positions where I’m not the one in the bottom although that can be fun for short periods of time.
But yeah I mean looking at positions that work for people. Yes I understand that there are jokes about ‘when are you due?’ because you have a big gut. But in reality you have to kind of ‘hey I’ve got a big gut. Guess who else has big guts? Pregnant women’ so if you want to see what sexual positions work for people with large bellies you’re going to have to just suck it up and go okay well people think I look pregnant, maybe I should look in the positions that work for people of that stature.
Cathy: Yeah and if you can let go of some of the shame that’s around that…
Kelly: Yeah because there’s no shame.
Cathy: There’s nothing wrong with you being how you are.
Kelly: Right, it’s genetic. I mean most of the time – and even if it’s not genetic, maybe you do like to eat. Maybe you don’t like to exercise. Maybe you are a big fat slob. But if you are…
Cathy: You have little traumas that keep making you insecure feeling…
Kelly: Yeah but who cares?
Cathy: It doesn’t matter.
Kelly: Don’t let that ruin your life.
Cathy: And still get to go out there and have a great time.
Kelly: Yeah. It took me a long time or when people tell me that I’m fat I’m like yeah like I didn’t know.
Cathy: Really? Oh my god.
Kelly: Shocker. I think that’s important is owning who you are, not trying to hide it. The more you hide it the more shameful you are. The more shameful you are when you’re in a situation where somebody actually find you attractive and you can actually find happiness, you don’t let it in because you have all these barriers up. You know what’s not attractive is a person who just beats themselves up all the time.
Cathy: You can hide and run but in the end its how much joy did you have in your life? What did you do with your life?
Kelly: Yeah. So interesting anecdote and I don’t know how much of this is true – these are stories that I’ve heard. Ray Liotta, his wife is a stunt car driver and he met her after she had this horrible accident, she’s wheelchair bound.
But he and her totally clicked because she owned it. She was like dude I’m a stunt car driver. I got in a wreck and I’m in a wheelchair but I did some really cool stuff when I was driving. They really got along and so they would go to the movie theater together and he would take her to the movie theater in a wheelchair, pick her up so she didn’t have to sit in the wheelchair area because it kinda sucks.
So he’d pick her up, take her over and sit her down next to his seat at a regular movie theater chair and I guess they’re still going strong because she owns who she is. Trauma happens. You can’t live a life without trauma. I guess you could but then you live a life that’s not really well lived.
Cathy: Yeah. It’s worth getting out there and connecting even if you have to deal with things that feel a little scary or things you been thought that are shameful but they are really not shameful.
Kelly: Yeah, makes you stronger.
Cathy: Please leave comments below. We’d love to hear what you think.
Kelly: You’re like why did we went from fat people having sex to Ray Liotta and the wheelchair girl. What?
Cathy: Just enjoying the ride.
Kelly: So much of it is just saying look, I know I am a certain way. None of its shameful.
Cathy: You may want to change it but where you are right now…
Kelly: Yeah I mean look, if you want to go on a diet, go on a diet. If you don’t want to go on a diet then who cares? I mean if your doctor tells you to then maybe you should take a look at what you’re doing. In my case I’m a bigger girl but my blood numbers when I go to the doctor he’s like yeah you’re totally healthy so I’m like okay I’ll go have a milkshake. Not really.
I think that being happy should be your number one goal and if you’re beating yourself up then nobody else is beating you up but yourself and that’s the first step. If you stop beating yourself up then eventually you realize that nobody else is doing it either and that’s when you can start having fun and start having awesome sex and start attracting awesome people that really like you for who you are and they like you because of your size or not because of your size but they just like you.
Cathy: And see who you are. You’re just sharing it out there.
Kelly: That’s when you can start saying hey let’s go to the Korean spa and get naked which is what we did the other day. Yeah that was awesome and we will do it again.
Cathy: So go out and start living your life. Have fun.
Kelly: Yes, absolutely.
Cathy: Thanks Kelly.
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