If your sexual identity changes, it can effect your relationship. How can you deal with it?
With Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com, Andi Cortland from http://www.LevelUpSex.com and Raj.
Cathy: So what do you do when you discover your sexuality or your sexual expression with someone isn’t what you thought it was, after you thought you had it all figured out? I’m Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com.
Andi: I’m Andi Cortland from http://www.LevelUpSex.com.
Raj: I’m Raj, I’m just a regular guy. I’m married to Andi.
Cathy: So you’ve been going through this, you gender transition opening your relationship and when you first met Andi you were kind of the traditional married couple, everything was good, we’re talking about how people can be wired in certain ways and you’re kind of wired towards cis women who were born as female that express themselves as female and so that’s what society says we should be. So you’ve kind of been coasting along in this, like everything is going pretty well and you don’t have to question it.
Raj: Yeah I met the social expectations when it comes to that.
Cathy: And Andi kind of blew that out of the water.
Andi: Right, whoops.
Cathy: And I think even though it can be really painful to have our nice cozy path blown up it can also be a really amazing self-discovery.
Andi: Well what I think we’ve realized, we said he’s kind of wired towards women it’s more that he’s wired toward, as strange as it sounds, feminine energy, because as you found out –
Raj: I recently played with a transwoman and she expresses very feminine even though her body would be described as born male and I really enjoyed it, it was very much like playing with a woman that was the energy she expresses.
Andi: Whereas when you’re with me, how does it feel?
Raj: It feels a little bit like dissonant because while Andi’s body physically is very feminine her energy is not because she doesn’t quite identify as male or female so it feels, there’s a bit of a dissonance there that I can sense.
Cathy: Yeah, I know when I went through this in the early nineties I kissed a woman and I’m like, I must be a lesbian because I liked kissing this woman, and then later I discovered I was bi-sexual or queer but that whole, I had this mental pathway figured out like I had expectations of how my life would unfold and it was kind of like torn asunder and thrown up in the air, it’s a hard thing to deal with and how did you deal with that as you went through that?
Raj: For me it’s been a journey that sort of got kicked off by all this exploration by Andi, sort of discovering who I am sexually. Yes as broad strokes I always knew I was this guy, I’m straight and all of that but because we started out in a fairly traditional marriage I didn’t really have to, you know, society defines us on a set of parameters for what a relationship should look like and if you happen to fall into that you’re pretty good, you can just coast along.
Cathy: Yeah we’re taught from infancy, Cinderella, Snow White.
Raj: Yeah, the certain way that men and women relate, we feel [inaudible 00:03:06]. Every issue of Cosmo there are always the 50 Sex Positions, you always seem to be discovering and you just do that and you’re good. Basically what I’m trying to say is that supposedly these traditional norms and paths that are set but when your relationship goes in a non-traditional direction what you realize is that as your partner is on this voyage of self-discovery you have to be on your own because that’s the only way you can actually, it’s not about keeping up with your partner it’s about discovering who you are sexually, developing your own unique identity that doesn’t rely on your partner or on society.
Cathy: That’s beautiful and I wish that we were taught that as children, that we get to discover who we are because we’re not really we’re told we should fit into these norms and if we deviate we’re wrong, but discovering who you are, and that can change like who you are right now might not be who you are tomorrow or the day after or next year but discovering what works for you it’s like a really delicious voyage.
Raj: I mean it’s delicious but it’s definitely not easy, it’s something that’s on-going. What I’ve found is that unfortunately, and this is one of the reasons why I’m so interested in these videos that we’re doing and this work that we’re doing is that, I found so few resources for guys who are partners who are going through these kinds of transitions and self-discovery for discovering themselves because as cis straight guys you are supposed to be a certain way. So if you fall into that bucket of traditional relationships you are well set, the world is all around you, it’s your oyster you can do whatever you want but the minute you go outside of that there is not a lot of material or support for discovering who you really are. And that’s what I’ve been finding and that can also be a challenger.
Cathy: Well I really appreciate you sharing and helping other people feel not so alone around this. What have you discovered about your sexuality? What are you discovering about you? We would love to know and we would love to hear any questions you might have in the comments below.
Andi: Please let us know.
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