Should you blame yourself if you aren’t ever connecting sexually?

Find out with Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo and Reid Mihalko and

Cathy: We had a video on incels, people that are voluntarily celibate. And someone wrote in and said, white male that are incel are very pathetic, they belong in a group of men that are sought after by women. So your inability to get a decent woman is all caps COMPLETELY YOUR OWN FAULT. You are the definition of a loser and if you have the advantage of keep losing. And I want you to respond to this. This…

Reid: Thank you mean comment person.

Cathy: This is Reid Mihalko from

Reid: Cathy Vartuli from – compassionate, generous, not mean.

Cathy: Most of the time. Lumping a whole group of people in together and making brush judgment about that is not a really good way to help people generally. So saying all white man are all desired, are sought after by women I don’t think that’s really true or may not true in many like many cultures that may not be true. And to blame someone completely your own fault, shaming someone for not having skills or abilities that again doesn’t help it just tense people down. I’d rather lift people up and help them learn skills and encourage them to find new ways of interacting.

Reid: Haters are going to hate and generally speaking haters don’t have really good advice.

Cathy: Blaming yourself for anyone who might have read that comment probably seen that comments like these elsewhere. When we blame ourselves, it’s my own fault I can’t get this that doesn’t empower you. Saying hey I may not know these skills to do this yet that gives you a direction and a place to go. Okay there are skills you can relate to people, I’m not meeting the woman would like to meet, I’m not connecting them in a way that I want to maybe I should learn new skills on how to communicate, how to interact I can practice with more people part of it is numbers at least you know, you can date a hundred different people but you can find one or two that you really want to spend more time with like initial dates that kind of thing. So part of it is just getting out here and meeting more people but to say something that’s your own fault because you have an advantage I don’t know that within a white man there’s a big range of ability and skills and interest. There’s not like all white men are instantly desirable.

Reid: Yeah I mean first of, whenever you leave a meaning comment please direct it to me because I am very interested in assholelery and like why? If you are in this empowered place, a place of privilege, a place of hard one you earned it all, you work very hard to get where you at, then kicking somebody when they’re down is just [inaudible 00:03:09] behavior. While I’m sure, I guess I’m sure that somehow you feel good about it I would question like what is that for you. Because that’s like seeing a turtle on its back and then kicking it, kicking the turtle in seeing its skin across the road in an upcoming traffic. Why you being an asshole? That being said, use your power for good stay [inaudible 00:03:37] like Spiderman amazing tails taught us great power comes great responsibilities. If you are all these all powerful, all mighty, all knowing being or hater then use your power for good. Uplift people, be like “hey, here’s been my experience with what you know “women” because not all women seem to be attracted to or seem to engage with which these days tends to be non-douche baggery.

Cathy: Yes.

Reid: So again I’m just curious, I’m curious by humans why they do what I do and for folks who are having a hard time connecting with people which can be for peripheral reasons we can empower ourselves to seek out resources to figure out how do I feel better about myself? What things most people seems to appreciate just a thing for me, I drink a ton of coffee. And I have friends who be like “Reid, you got a coffee breath going on” they don’t really love it when it just like coffee. So I have to go like take a breath mint, brush my teeth maybe drink more water or something like that but hen aging something really simple like, If you’re somebody who suffers from halitosis or bad breath things like what would you do? Coz I have friends “wooooh” now I’m curious why is your breath like that but it’s like how we can empower ourselves? How can we empower each other that don’t shame, don’t blame, we don’t blame anything let’s blame the society and blame the douche bags out there. But it’s like how can we uplift, how can we empower? That’s what I’m interested in and I loved that you tend to find the hater comments and I want to address them. But really? Really in this day and age like why being a douche? Why?

Cathy: You taught me to address the comments and like to.

Reid: So haters going to hate and takers going to take.

Cathy: So if you have thoughts about this comments or any of these issues we love to know.

Reid: And last piece, I’m just going to say just because these kinds of comments don’t really bother me, I also want to create space and acknowledge that sometimes shit fucking hurts and stings and that’s okay, too. In a good day we can brush it off and on a small day the barge goes in deep, I get that too and hopefully these videos are helping.