Cathy: Okay. So someone write in and said I come from Asia and realized that what I’m sharing is trembles cultures, people will say everything is fine, when they don’t really mean it, so she says, I’ve had sexual partners who I, they report that they love our connection, interaction with regular partners and I asked them to let me know if anything’s uncomfortable or if everything feels good…they say everything is great and then one day they suddenly burst out, with how terrible and selfish I am and kind of the relationship breaks down and I get upset because it’s a surprise and it might be 15 minutes ago they were saying that everything was great. I can’t find a solution or to this. How do I get around knowing when someone’s not being honest about how they feel about things? This is Reid Mihalko from https://ReidAboutSex.com/.
Reid: Cathy Vartuli from https://TheIntimacyDojo.com/ and we love, we love your questions.
Cathy: Leave them below in the comments or messages and we will get them.
Reid: Alright, so how do you prevent that from happening? Go ahead, Cathy Vartuli.
Cathy: I like.
Reid: Fix this.
Cathy: Fix this. I know that a lot of people were raised with different situations like I was raised to be super polite and never tell anyone that I was unhappy and sometimes it would happen then I would get so frustrated and I would said something like blahh. So I’ve been in these both sides of this and it’s not fun to receive and it’s not even fun to be inside of it so I like to try to talk about things and give people space to really share and even model it. Sharing it hey this isn’t perfect I’d like to talk about it now and sharing that I trust them to be adults and to be honest with me as honest as I can you talk about this. People do sometimes make mistakes or tell lies, we can clean it up as fast as we can. So modelling that and actually making sure I’m speaking up to as I’m going through like, hey that was really wonderful but we were doing that one thing, I noticed that I was kind of sore and I’m sorry that I didn’t speak up in the moment. I was kind of lost in the pleasure, I was really too shy but I want to let you know now that like that might, you know that one spot is pretty tender you know can we be a little softer because everything else was really hot and you know what I really enjoy our time together, modelling that kind of thing and letting you know and then inviting that feedback back can be really powerful and help people feel safe and trust you enough to share.
Reid: Yeah, I think where I would go with this is in a peer of ours Betty Martin who does.
Cathy: She’s wonderful.
Reid: A workshop called touch like a pro talks about that we’re all trained, we’re all raised I assumed also in Asian culture to be amazing tolerators of things we don’t want or don’t like for example is we’ve all had our diapers changed when we didn’t want our diapers changed and that we just continue through life learning how to act we asked so for me that upgrade is just stop asking people if this is okay and instead ask people, how can I do this better? You know, on a scale from 1 to 10, 10 is the being best thing ever like what, where am I if they say 6 then you say, well what can I do to make it an 8 and because when you ask people who’ve been trained to tolerate things they don’t like, when you asked them if this is okay, we will all say it’s okay because based on me getting my diapers changed that I didn’t want to, this is okay.
Cathy: It’s a lot better than getting my diaper changed.
Reid: Yeah. And you know this is not, you know but it doesn’t give us any information or help the other person practice to give us feedback on how to improve things and so I would start there.
Cathy: this is something you do at workshops and I’ve seen it really like cause either write down or share three things you really love which lets them anchor the fun things and three things you’d like to upgrade differently.
Reid: Yeah, and if you want to bonus points three things that you’re afraid to tell me that you like.
Reid: And slowly exercise those muscles which are not going to happen overnight depending on your life experience and what culture you’re raised in. You’re exercising your ability to speak up muscles for all people involved like this is a game that you can play in the business world it doesn’t have to be about sex and like hey what are three things that you really like about how we work together? What are few things that I can be doing better? What are few things you’re afraid to ask me to do at work that will really make this rock for us.
Cathy: Bring me coffee.
Reid: Done. Boom. But like so change the awareness pieces like oh, we all ask if this is okay and also noticing for yourself when people ask you if this is okay if you just say yeah, like just naturally like how are you today? Oh, I’m fine.
Cathy: Yeah everybody does that.
Reid: We just, we’re so habituated to tolerate or say the things are fine that we don’t actually even check and be like huh, hang on, how am I doing today? Well, I’m doing this way and you know what would actually make my day better? If you did this, would you be willing to try that…we don’t take that kind of time cause we don’t want to inconvenience people because ultimately we don’t want to make mommy and daddy upset, if you have a mommy and daddy. And so we just try to tolerate things so that we don’t upset people.
Cathy: Right so going back to your situation one thing is to notice are people actually giving you feedback in the moment or they just kind of oh, everything is perfect, everything is perfect that could be a warning sign and you can talk about it. And it’s really useful the safe word not just to people have safe word for sex meaning let’s stop that activity but having a relationship or interaction safe word like wow okay I’m super triggered cause you burst out with that, I need to calm down, cool down. Reid has an article to cool down styles which is great. I need to cool down and then I really like to talk about this later and we were both calm and maybe not half naked and high on Oxytocin.
Reid: Yeah, you can go to ReidAboutSex.com/…or just look in the search bar and type cool down styles.
Cathy: I think it’s cool down styles
Reid: It might be slash cool-down-styles no promising you anything. Leave your comments. What do you think? Great question, give us some more and subscribe.