Cathy: We have a wonderful viewer who write in and said that she loved our video on when your partner doesn’t want to sleep with you meaning sexual sleep with you but she said you know I love sleeping after the date like after we have sex. I love when my partner wants to sleep over and I am dating someone right now, he doesn’t want to spend the night. They don’t want to curl up and cuddle together. I find sleeping very intimate and it bothers me when they don’t want to. What can I do? This is Reid Mihalko from https://ReidAboutSex.com/.
Reid: Cathy Vartuli from https://TheIntimacyDojo.com/. I have nothing useful to say that’s not snarky and probably problematic.
Cathy: We don’t want them all to unsubscribe today.
Reid: No, not at all. What is your advice?
Cathy: So what I would share with them what you like and maybe find out. It may be that they are feeling shy or they snore really loud that they won’t sleep with someone and sometimes just knowing what’s going on why they don’t want to. So saying hey I really love it when I’m feeling really close to you. I love to spend the night in the bed together. It feels really intimate to me. Is that something you’re interested in and if they’re not like if they don’t want to like you don’t try to question their yes or no but just like could you help me understand why so I just feel more pit, more comfortable with it. I do love that intimacy when I feel comfortable with someone and it feels kind of lonely when they leave if you’ve had a really good connection. Understanding- I guess the best thing is just understanding it. Was this something permanent like they never want to stay the night and is that a deal killer for you? Something that you don’t want to be involved with because it’s really important to date people leaving them fulfilled and happy versus someone who’s like really shy about this and I never sleep over for several months because I want to take it slow or I snore. I just don’t sleep well with other people.
Reid: I mean other things you might want to think about are what do you get out of having them sleepover? Is it the actual cuddle? Is it getting the wake up the next morning and have breakfast? You might in playing detective find out that there are things that you get out of having a sleepover that isn’t as much to do about them actually sit next to you like maybe them cuddling you and then when you’re asleep than being able to go home? I’ve had friends who fall asleep next to each other because one of them snores then the other person goes off into another bed or sleeps on the couch. Because they talk about it like it’s not weird, it’s just like oh we’re being pragmatic and we’re taking care of ourselves. If it is not so much about the sleeping or if it’s the having sex late at night, it has you want to have people sleepover then maybe sex in the afternoon and then you’re fine. I don’t know what like is but it’s about playing detective for yourself and then having a relationship where you can have the conversations that might be vulnerable because of vulnerability that ability to have this conversations is healthy and all relationships moving forward so might as well start installing having the vulnerable conversations now and just being real with each other.
Cathy: I’d love to know what you think and how it goes if that advice helps and I really appreciate you asking that question because a lot of people think that it should be just about the sex and we should be fine if we don’t but that other connection can really, really valuable.
Reid: Good luck. Great question.